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Old 01-05-2019, 11:37 PM   #1
HopefullyLost1211
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Default Does anyone feel that women could possibly be kinder to other women?

Hello folks,

I am wondering if anyone feels that (in general...exceptions always occur of course) women could be much kinder to other women? There are times when I am researching women's issues, I find that women actually respond with some of the most negative and judgmental comments. I have a theory that because we are living in a patriarchal world (most people with real power are men) and women are often subordinated that women then respond to each other in conflict rather than unity. I've had several female friends down the years you told me things like: "If I told my other female friends this they would judge me up and down."

Have other women experienced this? Not that it's okay for men to put women down either but I suppose I find it more confusing when some women seem to make it their mission to put each other down. Particularly regarding women's issues. We have enough challenges in this world...why can't we work together? I don't mean working together against men. I always invite the good guys to join us in our quest for safety and respect throughout the world.

Any thoughts?
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Old 01-06-2019, 09:39 AM   #2
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Hhmmm....I agree and do see this. Tearing other women down as opposed to building each other up. The whole "mean girls" method. The shunning, the snide remarks and looks behind backs...the whole shebang. It's almost like lets eradicate them to the point of making them go away type of behavior.
And judgement...yep. If a woman isn't living life the way they think a woman should...yep.
Even in motherhood there's off shoots of what you've posted...called Mind your Motherhood.
I get it's been going on for generations. Probably does stem from being oppressed in the past and learned through generations as it's a way to have power??
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Old 01-06-2019, 10:06 AM   #3
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Could be a power issue--and a sense of competition. I am glad I haven't seen the snarkiness and meanness that some women have. But, in general, we could be kinder to other women--and work together instead of fighting.

Yes, some women are so critical! Sigh.
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Old 01-08-2019, 05:02 AM   #4
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Women need to support each other, not tear each other down.
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Old 01-11-2019, 07:31 PM   #5
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Yes. Women can be catty 'itches to each other. Competition for men, superficial beauty, parenting...

I have pared down my close friends in recent years.
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Old 01-18-2019, 11:37 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post
Hello folks,

Have other women experienced this? Not that it's okay for men to put women down either but I suppose I find it more confusing when some women seem to make it their mission to put each other down. Particularly regarding women's issues. We have enough challenges in this world...why can't we work together? I don't mean working together against men. I always invite the good guys to join us in our quest for safety and respect throughout the world.

Any thoughts?
We could look at someone as a person and as a human being before we look at her based on gender. Compassion is important in all relationships. I don't want to side with someone automatically just because she is a woman. I want to see her character first. But I think you are coming from the standpoint that women can relate to each other in many ways that creates a special bond.

So yes, with very few exceptions, we should definitely support each other.

The only time when I feel I can't cooperate with another woman is if she wants me to support her in a way that violates my conscience. For example, if she wants help on spying on her ex, I cannot support that.
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Old 01-19-2019, 01:38 PM   #7
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I think my post was misunderstood. I was not suggesting that women should assume all women are great or implicitly trust them. I was also not suggesting that women should be treated better than men. Of course a person is a person; man or woman. That seems so obvious that I didn't think it needed to be spelled out.

A disconcerting trend I've noticed is that some women are much nicer toward men than toward other women. I was referring to what psychologists refer to as 'relational aggression' which many young girls and some women exhibit toward other females. As someone who grew up in single-sex schools and has worked in some female-dominated environments, I find it deeply unpleasant. Even when it is not directed at me...I can see some women trying to gather other women against one woman in particular of whom they are jealous. At one point at work, there were three women trying to convince me to join them in trying to get another female reported at work.
She had not done anything wrong. She worked hard. But I know they had a problem with her beauty and her own persona.

My sisters and several of my female friends have noted the same issue in some of their workplaces. The women I am referring to do not treat men that way. That is what I was referring to: female-female relational aggression from women who treat men with respect.
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Old 01-20-2019, 11:35 PM   #8
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Relational aggression. There's a term for it?
It was actually something my mom and I would discuss through much of my life. It was along the lines of getting along better with men than women because there was such history of being turned on, scorned, ostracized, back stabbed. Back then it was questioning was it because for both of us growing up being involved athletically in the games and sports talk that the men or boys then would play or have interest in. Out there in the world keeping up with the guys as opposed to tea parties and makeup etc? But seen more sisterly than anything, really. Relational aggression makes sense.
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Old 01-21-2019, 01:56 PM   #9
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Relational aggression. There's a term for it?
It was actually something my mom and I would discuss through much of my life. It was along the lines of getting along better with men than women because there was such history of being turned on, scorned, ostracized, back stabbed. Back then it was questioning was it because for both of us growing up being involved athletically in the games and sports talk that the men or boys then would play or have interest in. Out there in the world keeping up with the guys as opposed to tea parties and makeup etc? But seen more sisterly than anything, really. Relational aggression makes sense.
Personally, I've always found it easier to talk to men and socialize with men. I do value having female friendships but I've found it hard to find secure, confident women who aren't constantly comparing themselves to me. You can't have a friendship that way. You're either okay with yourself and with me or you're not.

Yes relational aggression refers to when females engage in trying to ruin another's reputation, trying to turn other women against one, back-stabbing etc. I was surrounded by it in single-sex schools growing up. It has actually been suggested by > 1 psychologist that women are just as aggressive as men; they just employ a different form of aggression.

I'll never forget my first male friends. It was so fantastic. We could talk and be real. There was no game-playing or frequent comments comparing their body to mine etc etc. I naively used to think that girls grew out of relational aggression. They don't. The girls who did that in high school are the women doing it in their 40s.

At one point, I worked on a team which included two middle-aged women who acted like 7 year olds. No exaggeration. It was like watching two little girls gossiping, whispering, a little hive of negativity. They would even talk behind a hand over their mouth in the middle of a room about our other female colleague. She was much younger than them and became their target. Then I wound up in role of mediator with both sides coming to me. I managed to keep the peace but there were some days when it made me very angry because - why can't we just do our jobs respectfully?? Talk to a therapist if you're insecure. Stop playing games at work. Sigh.

I asked my significant other if he ever experienced male colleagues behaving like that either toward him or other males. He just laughed. That's a no
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Old 01-21-2019, 02:14 PM   #10
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. I do value having female friendships but I've found it hard to find secure, confident women who aren't constantly comparing themselves to me. You can't have a friendship that way. You're either okay with yourself and with me or you're not.

Yes relational aggression refers to when females engage in trying to ruin another's reputation, trying to turn other women against one, back-stabbing etc. I was surrounded by it in single-sex schools growing up. It has actually been suggested by > 1 psychologist that women are just as aggressive as men; they just employ a different form of aggression.
The women that I have remained close to and continue to maintain close bonds fit what you say about secure and confident-at least within the friendships(we all struggle with things in one way or another afterall) is true. We all have commonalities in our own life's experiences with the harshness of not only growing up but also in sharing the experiences in our own adult lives.
I never thought much to bring such a point into therapy itself, except perhaps some recent work events would qualify, as such, since I work in a women predominant field. And for whatever reason, I became a target as of late. Despite how terrible the aggression can be, I've at least had the life skills and job experience to reach a level of overcoming it.
I never thought to analyze it from a psychology standpoint, as to me, it's a Fact of Life.
I've known a couple of women who had also gone to all girls schools and described their own experiences. Had a mentor in college that had gone to an all women's college, we hit it off quite lovely. She was so real and in tune with things. Looking back, I value that experience fondly.
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