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Old 12-03-2018, 01:27 PM   #1
letlovego
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Trig Women unloved by dads

Not sure if this is the right place, but I wanted to start a discussion for women who feel unloved by their dads. This is something I struggle with immensely despite having done therapy, and right now I feel it'd help to simply have a place where I can go when I need to, to share my thoughts and feelings with people who 'get it'. I hope this'll help others as well.

What I'm struggling with most at the moment is this feeling that I've missed out on something essential because my dad didn't love me. Like there's a part of me that never got to develop because of this, and I have these horrible thoughts of what if it's too late to 'fix' this. That 'all is lost' simply because I didn't have a father who would have loved me. Then part of me gets really angry at the thought of my whole life being dictated and ruined by something I had no control over...

I think that thing that's 'missing' is self-esteem... I feel that all I have is the experience my dad 'gave' me of being worthless. Sometimes I find myself thinking it would have been better if he'd hated me, that at least that would've been some kind of reaction - but to think I made no difference whatsoever feels almost intolerable... With him, I feel I've got to experience first-hand what I've read about the opposite of love being not hate, but indifference

Well, just getting this out helps... I'm starting to see that that is what he thinks of me, not what I think about myself. That his views aren't the truth about me, and that I can decide for myself who I am and what I want to be. I don't need to be dragged down forever simply because he didn't love me. I'm saying it now, he was an IDIOT, and it's his loss
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Old 12-03-2018, 01:41 PM   #2
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I donít know what to say to be supportive right now. Just speaking up as another woman who has not been loved by fathers. It is damaging.

We tend to get into complicated relationships with unloving people in the aftermath.
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Old 12-03-2018, 04:39 PM   #3
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Default Re: Women unloved by dads

Thank you so much for the hugs and for replying, TishaBuv It helps knowing I'm not alone. I'm sorry you've had to deal with unloving fathers as well

I know several women who had unloving fathers and went on to have abusive relationships later on... I've gone to the other extreme in that I've hardly had any relationships at all. I just haven't felt good enough But I'm going to change that kind of thinking...!
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Old 12-03-2018, 06:47 PM   #4
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No you are not alone. I am 56 now and my dad passed away in 2000. My Dad was never given the tools to be able to express himself or communicate on an emotional level. Apart from anger. He did the best he could by providing a roof over our heads and putting food on the table. As a kid you dont understand that. I suppose that was the only way he knew. Otherwise he was emotionally absent. When I went to his funeral it was like being at the funeral of a stranger. Maybe it was the era that he was brought up in. Mum was emotionally absent too. The couldn't give what they never had themselves.

Deciding for ourselves now how we need to learn to nurture and affirm ourselves is a journey is our job now. Hope that you have some good people around to to bring the light and life back.
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Old 12-03-2018, 08:06 PM   #5
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Part of me feels like how dare I have the nerve to say I was unloved. I wasnít even enough on their radar to be close to being considered about being loved- how presumptuous of me.

I remember an incident, maybe I was around seven. I was crying in my bed, and finally my mother came in. Maybe I had tried to sit in my fatherís lap and he shoved me off. The memory is sketchy. I said, ďDaddy doesnít love me.Ē She went out there and after overhearing yelling, he finally came into my room. Iím not sure if he stood or sat on my bed. He said, ďI love you.Ē No hug. He said it like he knew he had to because my mother screamed at him, not like he meant it. Awful memory.

It was never said to me any other time either. I donít think my mom ever told me she loved me either, until more recent years. I think she may have said it after we had it out over her being a pretty bad mother.
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Old 12-03-2018, 08:32 PM   #6
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I can relate. I was drawn to unhealthy relationships... battled the self esteem issues... Itís been hard... but itís never too late to learn better self-care and develop healthy relationships. Women unloved by dads
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Old 01-30-2019, 10:10 AM   #7
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As adults, I feel like we (women) who grew up without fathers are supposed to just "get over it" pretty much. It's not so much that society feels that way, maybe it's just my own personal belief because that's what seemed healthiest for me, before I was willing to explore it more. I never met my father, don't even know his name. At 14 I was adopted and I have a great "Dad" who I love to pieces. He's one of my favorite people in the world. Being that I was 14 and growing up, I wanted zero physical affection from him, understandably. Getting a Dad that late in life didn't solve the "Daddy Issues" that I identified I deal with much later on in life, actually within the past few years. Now as an adult, I think never having a real father has shaped parts of my character. Something nobody really talks about much is how this affects women in their relationships. Some women say they are drawn to negative situations. Personally I am drawn to the opposite. My partner must make me feel safe, loved, he must be able to protect me, be kind to me and be able to take care of me, emotionally at least. Currently I am engaged and in a wonderful relationship. We are both in our 30's, he never had any children of his own, I have boys. Career wise, he's very successful. With his personality type, he's naturally a leader, he's literally a boss of dozens of people, he's the more dominant one out of us. Which comfortably led us into the "taboo" area of him being "Daddy". It's not something we share publicly at all, neither of us are ashamed of it or anything like that, but we know other people may not view it in the same nice way that we do. Honestly, I think it's very healthy for me. And him as well. I always call him Daddy. If I call him anything else, it's odd. He calls me Kitten and his little girl and his sweet potato, all the cute things. He babies me to the extreme. He prefers that I don't work, don't stress about anything and that I am able to live very comfortably and happily with him. We live very "normal" lives, in this fashion that coddles both of our personalities and emotions. He likes to be in charge (but isn't bossy) and likes to take care of others, especially me and our family. This type of relationship nurtures that, and gives me a sense of peace and stability as well as deep trust, vulnerability and I'll admit, a certain level of dependence on him. We don't go all out DDLG, there's nothing like bottles and diapers going on, not our style. However our bedroom has way more stuffed animals than most couples our age, I'm sure! He loves to do the "Daddy" things, surprise me with presents, make sure I have everything I need and want. It could be sparkly earrings, or very serious adult things, such as when we had to put my old cat down because of kidney failure. It was expensive, my dog that I brought into the relationship also has expensive health issues, it's just an unspoken agreement that Daddy handles all the things. In the moment when I had to decide if I wanted my cat to pass peacefully and mercifully or if we wanted to spend thousands on surgeries and medicines for an elderly cat, it was 100% my decision. I am an adult of course and he does respect me as a woman. During that time (it was a few weeks ago) even with other people in the room, a vet, techs, it was the absolute best feeling to be able to bury my face in his strong shoulders and cry my eyes out, ugly cries and know that I wasn't alone and everything would be ok because Daddy was there to take care of it and more so to take care of me. The moral of it all, you really don't ever Have to let go of wanting a father or father figure. It's something all people instinctively want and need to some extent. Being deprived of that for any reason is not your fault at all and you have to know that. It's ok to be sad about it, or to be angry, feel whatever you need to feel. It's also ok to admit that it may have caused you some issues or that you think it has affected who you are in ways. It's smart to identify it the best you can, to deal with it and explore what you feel you missed out on, as well as to seek out those things in ways that work for you...and perhaps your partner if that's an option. I hope this helps.

Last edited by Kitten33; 01-30-2019 at 10:12 AM.. Reason: grammar
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Old 02-07-2019, 01:24 PM   #8
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Default Re: Women unloved by dads

I never met my father. I spoke to him via messenger when I got older but the conversation turned sexual and I cut contact. I spent the next 10 years in an abusive marriage and only recently left.
I now struggle with fears of men and feelings of my own worthlessness.
I wish I could go to therapy to try to figure out my struggles but being left with 3 children i can't afford it!!!

I hope you get to where you wish to be in your healing x
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Old 02-11-2019, 02:06 AM   #9
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I was raised not knowing my father. He chose to bail when he found out he got my mom pregnant. My father figure was my grandpa who was very involved and available to me. My mother was and is emotionally unavailable. I lost my Grampa when I was 11. I met someone as a teenager that I partied with and eventually found out she knew my father and she offered to set up an introduction. I thought about it for a time but ultimately said no. He bailed before I was even a person to know, he has no right to know who I have become. Sometimes I wonder how I'm shaped different growing up with no dad, but I had my Grampa for a time. And with my mom being emotionally unavailable I vowed never to hold back love and feelings for others. It's ok to break the cycle and stop doing what was done to or around you. My sister is the same way. Very loving and understanding with her kids and husband. Polar opposite from mom. Her dad I know nothing of either.
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Old 02-11-2019, 12:52 PM   #10
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My Dad has long passed. I dont know if he loved me. He certainly didnt behave like it. I have what I now assume will be life long trauma related behaviors because of him.
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