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Old 02-12-2018, 11:10 AM   #1
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Trig How do I get free when I'm financially dependent on my abuser?

This question is even more complicated because it is not a romantic partner, it is my father. I can't go to the DV shelter because it is not a romantic partner abusing me it is my father. And it would be very difficult to prove to anyone anyways that he is being abusive. No one would believe me or has believed me.

My self-esteem is non-existent. Anytime I achieve any level of success, I always fail and fall back even further than where I was before. In the family system, I am the scapegoat and I hold all the shame and disorder for the family. I'm the crazy one, the one with all the mental disorders, the one with all the problems. Everyone else in the family (except for my mom to an extent) is seen as perfect. Especially if they are achieving and doing good.

I'm in debt A LOT. I can't seem to hold down a job or even find one that will hire me. I don't see a way out because I am financially dependent on my father. He has inch by inch, slowly & meticulously, manipulated the situation to be like this.
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I don't see a way out. I have been cut off from all my outside supports. I'm in therapy and that is the only ray of hope. I have a business I'm trying to start, but my father has gotten involved so I see little chance for it to succeed. Any hint of success will be squashed by him because I am not to be independent or have my own life.

I'm almost 35 years old!!!! I want my own life, to maybe get married and have a family of my own. But I exist solely to take care of my parents as they age, and especially my dad. Instead of him being concerned that maybe I'm getting older and should probably find a romantic partner to build a life with so I won't be stuck living in his basement with him having to provide for me - which I would perceive to be ANY parent's NORMAL reaction. Instead of him being concerned I haven't found any job or career that I will be able to support myself and get on my own and live independently... HE IS ACTUALLY ENCOURAGING ME TO STAY. He does this in subtle ways. If you haven't been in a relationship with a narcissist, it would be very difficult to see or understand the ways they trap you.

But here is the thing about my dad. If he wants something, he always gets it. If he doesn't get it, he throws an adult tantrum and rages at you until he does. If he wanted me gone, I would need to be gone. What is MOST concerning is that HE DOES NOT WANT ME TO LEAVE. It is puzzling to me so much and I've tried and tried to figure out why since I've been living here off and on (I have tried to escape 3 times and failed now always coming back with my tail between my legs and even more obedient and compliant - not to mention even more financially independent because of being more in debt. More helpless feeling, more incompetent feeling, more hopeless feeling, and filled with self-doubt about me ever being able to make things any different for myself or if I'll just be stuck here forever).

So I've TRIED and TRIED to figure out WHY and the only thing I can come up with is that in his own family, his older brother gave up his own life and family and went to live with my dad's mom. SO I'M THE CHOSEN ONE by my dad who gets the honor and privilege of selflessly giving up my own life and hopes for a husband and family of my own, to take care of my parents and live with them until their dying day. Or in the case of my dad's family, his mom outlived his brother. There's always that option too.
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Then my parents would just wash their hands of me and no longer have to deal with the burden of me. Then they could just move on to plan B, which is my brother's family taking care of them as they get old.

My dad is very smart. Smarter than I am by a long shot. I'm not able to beat him at his own game. My brothers were, they got out and are at least living their own lives with their own families. But my dad views females as servants, as stupid, as inferior, as incompetent. My self-esteem is shattered if it was ever there in the first place (and I'm not sure it ever was).

SO what do I do? How can I get free of this situation? I'm willing to try anything!!!!! My dad is a meticulous planner, and very manipulative and controlling. He has planned out his retirement carefully, financially providing for himself until age 105. He has numbered his years (never mind my own biological clock ticking out and Whoops, there goes any chance to have kids of my own). He is setting up everything to make sure HIS needs and HIS ALONE are taken care of. It feels very hopeless, it has been very damaging, and I would give anything to be free of it for good. PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
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ďAnd if I fight, then for what?"
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Last edited by bluekoi; 02-12-2018 at 10:18 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Old 02-13-2018, 06:43 PM   #2
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Default Re: How do I get free when I'm financially dependent on my abuser?

Not sure where you are from but I know that here in Canada I was offered a place in a DV shelter when an acquaintance was threatening me, so it may be possible in your situation. I would try and call and see what help can be offered. I hope things get better for you.
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Old 02-17-2018, 05:09 PM   #3
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Default Re: How do I get free when I'm financially dependent on my abuser?

Quote:
Originally Posted by technigal View Post
Not sure where you are from but I know that here in Canada I was offered a place in a DV shelter when an acquaintance was threatening me, so it may be possible in your situation. I would try and call and see what help can be offered. I hope things get better for you.
Thanks Technigal, I'm in the US. It would be a good idea to call. Trouble is that there are no threats. In fact to the outside world my parents look like saints because they are helping me so much. My whole world right now feels like it is closing in. I'm looking at rehabs, treatment centers, anything to get me out of here!! Just hope I can find a place that I can bring my animals with me. I made a list today of the things I will bring with me. Then looked at storage units so I won't ever have to come back to this house ever again if I need something in the future. If I can use my credit cards a little longer, I know I will max them out, but where ever I get to, maybe I can dig myself out of that hole. Or just go bankrupt. I don't even care just need to get out of here asap! I have less than a month. My appt with my psych doc is in mid-march so I will let him know that that's my last appointment as I need to leave the toxic environment that helped cause all the problems in the first place. It is tremendous stress to keep living with parents and having to put on a happy face and care about them when they abused me and my brothers. I need out. Like 3 years ago! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh... Writing here helps collect my thoughts and plans and get outside feedback that I'm not crazy and deserve a life of my own free of my abusers. So thank you if you have read this and for your comment! Helps me to not feel so alone because truly, outside of my therapist once a week, I have no one to talk to about this. I have no social network left. I did tell my professor a little in an email, but he will probably just write me back lecturing me about how inappropriate it was or that I said things wrong or that I need to get my ***** together, and believe me, I'm trying!
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ďAnd if I fight, then for what?"
"For nothing easy or sweet, and I told you that last year and the year before that. For your own challenge, for your own mistakes and the punishment for them, for your own definition of love and of sanity - a good strong self with which to begin to live.Ē
~Joanne Greenberg~ I Never Promised You A Rose Garden
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Old 02-18-2018, 11:29 AM   #4
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Default Re: How do I get free when I'm financially dependent on my abuser?

I'd still look at women shelters/DV places etc. I don't think it should matter that it is your father.

I don't really have any suggestions but I'm sorry for what you are going through
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Old 02-19-2018, 08:24 AM   #5
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Default Re: How do I get free when I'm financially dependent on my abuser?

I donít have any answers for you, sorry, but maybe just some thoughts on the matter & know Iím here listening.
If you can step back & look at this without emotions it might help.

It sounds like your father is being passive aggressive to get you to stay bec, well why not? You need him & whatís provided but he knows this & uses this to his advantage. He will be taken care of by you. So in his mind, why should he try to help you flourish bec if you do, he loses you.
So the negative comments & thoughts he provides to keep you down, well theyíre working. Itís a win win situation for him.
So you might wanto try to turn his crap off. If you look at his reasoning for making you feel bad, itís not bec youíre dumb or anything; itís bec it keeps you trapped there. So it might help if you can view this undercurrent of submission he wants from you bec it serves him well.
Break your thinking pattern.

So how did your other sibs break away? I hear you speak of your brothers. Any sisters get away? Iíve realizing my own family that my fatherís Mediterranean decent & ethics have taught him to value males over females. My brothers were taught a great deal more about finances & living on their own than us girls bec, according to this philosophy, females were meant to get married & have babies. Now if Iíd say this to my father heíd deny every stitch of this, but the values taught were there & I followed along.
If one would look at my sibs itís funny that the women in my family all have failed marriages yet the males donít. Iím sure this isnít the sole reason but it can add to the mix.
What do you think?

So it sounds like you need financial independence & that means a job. Have you looked for a job that might include housing? If youíre willing to move, but you said you have animals. Just an idea. Or a job with hours that are totally different from your families hours so that you donít run into them or have to socialize with them.
You need a game plan & to take small steps to move yourself out from this power struggle.
I agree with the above too about a domestic crisis center & asking for help. Never hurts to ask & if they canít help they might be able to give you some leads to others that can help.
Wish you the best & keep posting!
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Old 02-19-2018, 02:25 PM   #6
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Default Re: How do I get free when I'm financially dependent on my abuser?

Sorry, I did not see this until today. Life has been busy. It is good that you are making some plans for the future. Try not to get into bankruptcy, it screws up your life in so many ways. You are in university right now? How much longer until you are done? If you can do it (personally I could not work during university) I would try for a job to give you some independence. When I lived at home I basically lived in my bedroom to stay away from my parents negativity.

Good Luck, and I do try to check in on the boards once per day.
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Old 02-24-2018, 12:05 PM   #7
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Default Re: How do I get free when I'm financially dependent on my abuser?

first DV shelters do allow anyone who is in an abuse situation, its not always about abuse by spouse or intimate partner. domestic violence just means there is some sort of violence in the home and relationship that someone needs to escape from. relationships are not only boyfriend/ girlfriend/spouse. there are many different kinds of relationships. think of relationship as just another words for bonding or ties to someone.

your post says you are in therapy. talk with your therapist, they will be able to help you figure out the safest way to get free from who ever is abusing you. that part of what therapists are trained for ...to help their clients find resources that they may need to help them.

also you can contact your social services (some places call this department of human services) they have a section of caseworkers called adult protective services. Adult protective services can help you, they have special funds for moving people out of abusive homes and into motels, hotels and other safe places. since you dont have a job they can also help you to sign up for welfare where you can get income in the form of cash, food stamps and medical insurance either temporarily or long term depending upon how your states welfare does things. your therapist can help you with this during your therapy sessions. social services adult protective services can also open an investigation into whether your parents are in your states laws committing abuse on a mentally or physically handicapped person or on you whether you are mentally or physically challenged.

my point there are many ways a person in your kind of situation can get free. talk with your therapist, they will know what the best thing for you to do is.
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