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Old 05-21-2018, 03:30 PM   #1
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Default Help a lass out

In theory, I'm female. I'm cool with the pronoun "she", I periodically wear girls clothes and until very recently I had long hair. However, I feel like if my gender assignment had been based on my behaviour, I would have been male. As a child I liked the colour blue, trains, cars, and video games. I don't particularly feel like either. But whenever gender comes up around my mother she makes pointed comments about how I should, for example, buy girls jeans not boys ones because I should "wear clothes that give me shape". She's been giving me makeup for christmas for several years now, and still seems to hold out hope that she will successfully mold me into someone more feminine (a word which somehow makes me cringe, as I discovered when she described my new, short haircut as such).

The issue is, I don't think my mind really considers gender to be a thing. I will happily recognise other peoples' gender identities, but don't feel like I have one of my own. This doesn't bother me in itself, but is very stressful when I'm expected to conform based on gender assumptions :/ Not really sure what to do.
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Old 05-22-2018, 01:56 PM   #2
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Default Re: Help a lass out

Hello EnigmaticBeing!

I think those expectations are almost alway stressful, regardless of you gender identity

If you are looking for other people to relate: Have you connected with agender/neutrum or gender-nonconforming people? Maybe it would give you some strength if you could talk to others that feel similar to you?

Besides that: I think even if you identified with being a women, those gender expectations suck.
You should be allowed to be who you are, not what other people think you should be because of your gender.
And it's kind of not okay for her to give you make up as "gifts" and try to pressure you to be somebody else?
I guess you tried to talk to her about it? Or do you need more analysis why this is not okay, so that you can talk to her?

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Old 06-01-2018, 08:59 AM   #3
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Default Re: Help a lass out

I can really relate to your situation, EnigmaticBeing. I'm also "in theory" female, and don't mind she/her pronouns, but grew up in a house where my mother was nervous about my more traditionally masculine interests. There's a funny picture of me having a dainty tea party while wearing a Chicago Bulls jersey, and that sums me up pretty neatly.

Today, I consider myself genderqueer or agender, and roll with she/her pronouns for the sake of ease. I'm married to another person who was also assigned female at birth and uses she/her, but is questioning her identity and is more non-conforming than me. I think we've both come to the same conclusion you did, where you don't apply gender to yourself.

My mother still comments on my makeup (or lack thereof) and gifts me dresses and passive aggressively bemoans my wardrobe choices, but I'll tell you, it's a lot easier to let that stuff roll off my back now that I'm living away from her and with a community of other queer folks. I know you must be in a stressful circumstance with all that pressure from your mom (and society in general). I also know my message is old news, but it really does get better. As you get older, you get the chance to form your own families, where you're more free to be yourself without the well-meaning but often straining influence of the folks who raised you.

My relationship with my mom has actually improved quite a bit now that I'm more comfortable with my wibbly wobbly concept of personal gender. It just took time, endurance, and a bit of space.
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Old 06-03-2018, 11:00 PM   #4
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Default Re: Help a lass out

Hi EnigmaticBeing ,

I too am trans , MtF , and I have liked the color blue although not my favorite , but I too have played in masculine ways and have since learned it was the exploration of life , boys play as girls / while girls play as boys. it is part of life .

The interesting part is where you are strong enough in your feelings to write how you enjoyed wearing women's clothing , me too , it better quality so much more comfortable .

Last Sept. 27th when it first passed my lips to my therapist ears that I was trans , was like the weight of the world being lifted from my entire body. The following day , I got out of bed thinking I did it , after all these years someone now knows the real me. Plus I was OK with me being me.

I made it quite clear I was not or never have been gay , and as far as hanging with the guys , no thanks , I rather go to a tea party I told my T this is the real me , growing up my parents never bought me a Tonka truck , I had science sets . erector sets , chemistry sets , music , science and arts I loved and still do.

In my teen going thru puberty was hell , the dysphoria was dreadful , and in HS gym class was more traumatic than you could ever imagine.

One day I asked my late mom , why she never bought me a Tonka truck , her reply was all mom , my mom , and she said " did you really want one ? " and I said no , not really I was just curious , then went back in my room and finished working on my first short wave radio ( with tubes ) , not a crystal radio , I already built one of those

The bottom line is be you , I have no idea what your age is and it is non of my biz and really matter , you need to be you . Not tomorrow bit right now , because tomorrow will be to late.

What am I saying ?????

Simple , the younger you are , the better chance you have at a successful transition , if that is what you want.

Your dysphoria , is your feeling right now , and it will not go away , I have had to live with my dysphoria for over 55 years , not a fun way to spend a lifetime. I figure the good Lord will make things right

I often think back , wishing I would have told my late mom and dad I was trans , because what I know now is they would have helped , even if it was 40 years ago they would have found a way to get me the best care possible , and my late mom loved to shop , so there would be no problem there , and I would have had my "happy life" .

Now all I have are regrets and a therapist payment once a week.

I guess what I am trying to say is if you are young / have a loving family with insurance , tell them you are trans , if they love you they will not turn away .

My parents would have been so supportive , I would have transitioned decades ago , been a research scientist , cured cancer and probably been in line to be the next surgeon general !!

But fear robbed me of my life , please don`t let it take yours .

Be yourself and love your self for the courage to be you



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Old 06-09-2018, 11:16 AM   #5
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Default Re: Help a lass out

Hi. Trans* male (ftm). I do identify though as androgyne, meaning between male and female gender.

You can be agender, meaning that you don't have gender.

Also, just because you liked the colour blue, cars, trains, and video games, doesn't mean that you are male. You are doing what you like to do. Some females like that stuff too, and are not trans*. You don't have to conform one way or the other. I know people that don't (ie men wearing nail polish, women wearing a suit, etc.).

Do you have any type of dysphoria, whether it is mind, social, or body dysphoria? This means that you don't feel comfortable in one or more of those categories. This can help you discover what your gender identity is.

I hope you find what you are looking for.
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Old 06-09-2018, 11:37 AM   #6
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Default Re: Help a lass out

I'm female and as a kid was into animals all the time, I hated dresses, skirts and the colour pink though and still do to this date
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Old 06-09-2018, 11:48 AM   #7
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I have been traumatized too and although I consider to be myself a masculine person, I love cute boys.... it's something that makes my heart pound and I am just like 'I am gonna marry him!" I do not know about this... The boy should be very cute (not feminine, but cute as in the sense all girls call him) and unfortunately never been in a relationship with them. They smile at me in that way and all, and I smile back at them in that way, but I know it's them trying to victimize me most of the time. After I usually do some kind of heroic act (act like a badass and control my anxiety long enough to have them think I am some kind psych god), they smile at me and come near me and stuff.



I like boys who are cute in the sense as Lindsey Stirling is cute for her gender in this video. Cannot do anything can we? Unless of course I get a Royal Enfield, wear sunglasses, style my hair, lose some weight, and completely abolish my anxiety, I won't get any of them. Kind of breaks my heart.
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Old 06-10-2018, 05:15 AM   #8
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Default Re: Help a lass out

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nike007 View Post
Hi. Trans* male (ftm). I do identify though as androgyne, meaning between male and female gender.

You can be agender, meaning that you don't have gender.

Also, just because you liked the colour blue, cars, trains, and video games, doesn't mean that you are male. You are doing what you like to do. Some females like that stuff too, and are not trans*. You don't have to conform one way or the other. I know people that don't (ie men wearing nail polish, women wearing a suit, etc.).

Do you have any type of dysphoria, whether it is mind, social, or body dysphoria? This means that you don't feel comfortable in one or more of those categories. This can help you discover what your gender identity is.

I hope you find what you are looking for.
Tbh I don't feel comfortable thinking too hard about my gender cause which one I feel like I am fluctuates, on the other hand my brain will quite happily "recognise" my body as either male or female depending on how I feel... It's hard to explain. I've never really fit in with other people apart from a select few though lately this seems to have become less of a problem as as an adult people just consider me "quirky". I don't understand many things I seem to be expected to as a female and my family get frustrated that I don't have the right instincts/drives to perform that gender. I like appearing more masculine/neutral sometimes but will have the odd day where I feel like "being girly" (wearing dresses is about as far as I go with that). So maybe I'm just like fluid or something? It's super confusing
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Old 06-10-2018, 05:53 AM   #9
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Default Re: Help a lass out

It's fine to be gender fluid or agender. I am ostensibly male but have female leaning parts and I am comfortable with being a genderblur as I've never identified with 'trad' male identities or macho crap (actually I quite like to use the term 'CISSY as in 'Sissy' (or CIS ish) to explore the blurriness around the edges of CIS ness since seeing the wonderful Grayson Perry talking about owning and taking back his 'sissy' ness, which was always used as a bully comment to males like us who don't act particularly masculinely - I am mostly CIS but with some feminine leanings and love the idea of taking back the Sissy slur by sissifying CIS)

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