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Old 05-06-2018, 08:22 AM   #1
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Default This anxiety is ruining me...

I came out as queer without any issue. In fact, I'm literally loud and proud about my sexuality. It hasn't always been the easiest, but I'm really unapologetic about it.

But... I can't do the same with my gender. Online I'm who I should be but offline, I just... Can't bring myself to live the real me. It causes me so much anxiety and it's really eating away at everything in my life. My anxiety and dysphoria are slowly taking over everything. I need to be the real me but I just can't be that person.

I do have a gender specialist but they're not doing anything for me at all. No hormones, nothing. I had to wait so long to see them and for... What? Ugh. Part of me feels as though low dose HRT would probably help this anxiety a lot, because I'll start to physically change into who I should be. You know?

Granted, my gender is a... Special case. I'm AFAB and consider myself transmasculine/androgyne but my gender expression is feminine. I don't really feel 'trans enough' and I wonder if that's why I'm not getting help...

I dunno, I'm so confused and exhausted. I just want to be happy and confident in my own skin and identity. I guess I'm just so nervous because I know I need to move forward and I'm not getting any younger. Everything is a damn mess right now. Anyone else ever experience similar? I could really use some advice or just some kind words, this is really rough.
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Old 05-06-2018, 12:49 PM   #2
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Default Re: This anxiety is ruining me...

Hi samj40. I am sorry you have so much anxiety about telling people IRL. Online honesty is maybe a safer place to fully reveal.

The other problem I see is not that people hate us because of sexual orientation, they just know nothing about it unless they have experimented with their sexuality. To be honest I have to start google when people tell me the technical terms for their sexuality. I am always surprised how much I do not know about this.

For me as person that considers myself unique and thinks differently, I find it frees me up a great deal in life not to have to explain myself to others. They probably will not understand anyway if they are not up on transgender issues. Why expose ourselves to another level of scrutiny?

Realistically, when people say "How are you?" do they really want to know or is it just a polite way of making conversation. I don't think anyone has to display an explanation of how they see themselves. If they can find one or two other people that seem to understand and care, in my opinion that is enough.

I guess for me it reminds me of the struggle I had within for my parents to accept me as I saw myself not how they wanted to see me. I never got there with them. I think parents get an idea of who their kids are and that seems to stick around forever. I finally had to just play the part around them and have my own self esteem just knowing I am who i am no matter what people think of me.

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Old 05-06-2018, 01:32 PM   #3
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Hi samj40,

I am glad you feel you can be yourself and can reach out online.

If you feel like things are moving too slow, could you express this to your gender therapist?

Are you under 18 y.o.? I ask only because sometimes things go very slow for people under 18 y.o., as far as transitioning goes.

I am very concerned about the level of dysphoria you are experiencing.
Have me made this clear to your gender specialist?

keep reaching out!

May we each fully claim the courage to live from our hearts, to allow Love, Faith and Hope to enLighten our paths.

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Old 05-12-2018, 02:54 AM   #4
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Default Re: This anxiety is ruining me...

I feel you. I'm genderqueer but they always want you to describe your gender in a binary way.. My explanation to my therapist was something like this: "When I think about myself, I see a feminin boy. At this point, people see me is a masculine woman and that's feels wrong. "
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