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Old 09-13-2017, 06:39 AM   #1
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Hello and sorry for the long rant in advance. I just really need to vent💁
I guess I should just get straight to the point. I have had gender disforia issues for as long as I can remember. As a young child I was quiet and lonely. I would fantasize about being girl and wear my sister's clothes quite often. Something in my head told me I should NEVER tell ANYONE about my thoughts. I thought it was a hopeless fantasy until I saw a hospital TV show where the 2 part story line was about a doctor (played by actor Robert Reed of Brady Bunch fame) getting a sex change operation. I was SO excited about the chance that my thoughts of being a real woman could be true! But as I said, I never opened up about my thoughts to anyone. In fact,I sometimes thought that it was evil(catholic guilt I guess).
My crossdressing continued into my mid-teen years, until I was almost caught in the act. I decided that this was NOT normal and repressed my feelings through my adolescent years. I was and still am attracted to women. I dated a lot of girls and became hyper-macho on the outside with my looks, attitude and career choice. But jumped at ANY chance to let my inner self out. Like Halloween or something like that. Would always play it as a joke, but it was no joke to me.
Fast forward to a few years ago. I'm very happily married with 2 great kids. Have a decent job and nice house. On the outside things couldn't have looked better. But inside I was hurting. My depression (which I have also struggled with since my youth) was taking hold. And my gender thoughts were becoming overwhelming. To try and cope with it, I tried bringing it into my sex life with my wife under the guise of being kinky. But that too became not enough. My wife started to complain about the way things were going in the bedroom. Then, about 7 years ago I was about to have a mental breakdown. And while laying in bed with my wife, I finally admitted to part of my thoughts. I told her that I "might " be a crossdresser! Surprisingly she was supportive . I felt like a great weight was lifted off of me! So then I thought things would be ok. But quickly she grew tired and worried about it. She asked when would it stop. To which I honestly replied "I don't know if it will".
A few weeks later she had unintentionally said something that made my heart sink! Through my confusion, my depression came on FULL Force. To the point where I was having suicidal thoughts unlike I have had since my youth. The pressure had gotten so bad that I parked my vehicle on the shoulder of a tall bridge and was about to jump. The ONLY thing that kept me from doing it was that it was my son's birthday and I couldn't do that to him.
I immediately sought counseling for my issues. I found a counselor specializing in "trans" issues and she diagnosed me with gender dysphoria and clinical depression. I was given some medication for depression and continued therapy for a year or so until it started to turn into marriage counseling due to the fact that it was a big concern me. I stopped and "tried" to control my feelings for the sake of my family.
About a year after that my feelings became uncontrollable again. I found a new therapist and things were going well. He taught me to embrace my feelings and helped me find a doctor to try new medicine to help me. 18 months later I started HRT. I was elated! My wife got onboard and things really started to look up. I even had the courage to go to a "trans" weekend event where I would dress how I wanted and meet others like me.
But as soon as I got back, my wife broke down and cried! She was worried about losing her husband and soulmate. She explained to me the best she could about her feelings about my issues and our family. So, because my family means everything me, I put all of my feelings away and stopped EVERYTHING. The reward is now my family life/marriage is perfect again. But I know that I can't suppress my thoughts and feelings for ever and I am worried when I won't be able to control it anymore.
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Old 09-26-2017, 07:52 PM   #2
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Hello EMc: Thanks for sharing your story. I see this is was your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. (I used to be here a lot... not so much anymore.) What I can tell you is that I'm going on 70 years old & have struggled with gender dysphoria all my life. As has been said many times... if you're trans... you're trans for life. It never goes away. I know exactly what you're going through. Unfortunately, I don't have any great answers for you. As I told one therapist I talked to, I knew what my options were. I just didn't like any of them. I hope you find the best answer (for you) to your dilemma.
"Confess your hidden faults. Approach what you find repulsive. Help those you think you cannot help. Anything you are attached to, let it go. Go to places that scare you." (Advice, from her teacher, to the Tibetan yogini, Machig Labdrön)

"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion." Machig Labdrön, Tibet, 11th Century
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Old 10-06-2017, 12:42 PM   #3
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I just watched this video this morning and thought it was pretty good.
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Old 10-09-2017, 06:18 PM   #4
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Hi EMc. I am sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope you find a way to peace and acceptance, whatever that looks like for you. My gender journey has been going on for several years now and I am just going to be starting counselling this week because although my situation is different, although my wife supports me and knows everything about it and will love and be attracted to me no matter what, it's still confusing and scary and overwhelming. I am in my late 30s and I feel like this is too much to deal with. Sometimes I just 'forget about it' for months on end and then break down crying because I can't stand my life, and I know exactly why. I'm not being myself. I'm locking away the core of who I am because I don't know how to deal with it. But it's affecting my mental health negatively and so I have no choice but to find someone who gets it and talk it all out. And hope I arrive at some answers, something more than what I have now. If you ever want to talk, to just vent or whatever, feel free to message me in private.
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