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Old 05-06-2018, 08:22 AM   #1
samj40
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Default This anxiety is ruining me...

I came out as queer without any issue. In fact, I'm literally loud and proud about my sexuality. It hasn't always been the easiest, but I'm really unapologetic about it.

But... I can't do the same with my gender. Online I'm who I should be but offline, I just... Can't bring myself to live the real me. It causes me so much anxiety and it's really eating away at everything in my life. My anxiety and dysphoria are slowly taking over everything. I need to be the real me but I just can't be that person.

I do have a gender specialist but they're not doing anything for me at all. No hormones, nothing. I had to wait so long to see them and for... What? Ugh. Part of me feels as though low dose HRT would probably help this anxiety a lot, because I'll start to physically change into who I should be. You know?

Granted, my gender is a... Special case. I'm AFAB and consider myself transmasculine/androgyne but my gender expression is feminine. I don't really feel 'trans enough' and I wonder if that's why I'm not getting help...

I dunno, I'm so confused and exhausted. I just want to be happy and confident in my own skin and identity. I guess I'm just so nervous because I know I need to move forward and I'm not getting any younger. Everything is a damn mess right now. Anyone else ever experience similar? I could really use some advice or just some kind words, this is really rough.
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Old 05-06-2018, 12:49 PM   #2
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Default Re: This anxiety is ruining me...

Hi samj40. I am sorry you have so much anxiety about telling people IRL. Online honesty is maybe a safer place to fully reveal.

The other problem I see is not that people hate us because of sexual orientation, they just know nothing about it unless they have experimented with their sexuality. To be honest I have to start google when people tell me the technical terms for their sexuality. I am always surprised how much I do not know about this.

For me as person that considers myself unique and thinks differently, I find it frees me up a great deal in life not to have to explain myself to others. They probably will not understand anyway if they are not up on transgender issues. Why expose ourselves to another level of scrutiny?

Realistically, when people say "How are you?" do they really want to know or is it just a polite way of making conversation. I don't think anyone has to display an explanation of how they see themselves. If they can find one or two other people that seem to understand and care, in my opinion that is enough.

I guess for me it reminds me of the struggle I had within for my parents to accept me as I saw myself not how they wanted to see me. I never got there with them. I think parents get an idea of who their kids are and that seems to stick around forever. I finally had to just play the part around them and have my own self esteem just knowing I am who i am no matter what people think of me.

These may be of interest
https://psychcentral.com/lib/bluepri...g-self-esteem/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/building-self-esteem/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...r-self-esteem/
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Old 05-06-2018, 01:32 PM   #3
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Hi samj40,

I am glad you feel you can be yourself and can reach out online.

If you feel like things are moving too slow, could you express this to your gender therapist?

Are you under 18 y.o.? I ask only because sometimes things go very slow for people under 18 y.o., as far as transitioning goes.

I am very concerned about the level of dysphoria you are experiencing.
Have me made this clear to your gender specialist?

keep reaching out!


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Old 05-12-2018, 02:54 AM   #4
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I feel you. I'm genderqueer but they always want you to describe your gender in a binary way.. My explanation to my therapist was something like this: "When I think about myself, I see a feminin boy. At this point, people see me is a masculine woman and that's feels wrong. "
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Old 06-04-2018, 12:11 AM   #5
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A question of pure insatiable curiosity :

Please forgive me , I am an old trans person , so with that in mind , please explain to me we so many use the term "queer" or "gender-queer" ?

I have always considered the word to be most offensive , and now a days it seem so widely used , and I know not why , so I ask you to educate this old trans.

Thanks

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Old 06-09-2018, 11:22 AM   #6
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Hi. I'm trans* male too. I identify as androgyne, with a male gender expression.

Is your gender specialist a doctor, or a therapist? A therapist can not prescribe medications. Only doctors can.

Do you have a family doctor? Are you able to ask them if they can refer you to someone who can prescribe T?

Also, are you able to do subtle things like wear men's underwear, or wear a chest binder, or shave your face, or let your armpit and leg hair grow out? This may help you feel more comfortable. Also, if you desire, you can try to find a packer to help with bottom dysphoria.

I hope you can get on T (testosterone) soon.
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Old 06-09-2018, 08:00 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by samj40 View Post
I came out as queer without any issue. In fact, I'm literally loud and proud about my sexuality. It hasn't always been the easiest, but I'm really unapologetic about it.

But... I can't do the same with my gender. Online I'm who I should be but offline, I just... Can't bring myself to live the real me. It causes me so much anxiety and it's really eating away at everything in my life. My anxiety and dysphoria are slowly taking over everything. I need to be the real me but I just can't be that person.

I do have a gender specialist but they're not doing anything for me at all. No hormones, nothing. I had to wait so long to see them and for... What? Ugh. Part of me feels as though low dose HRT would probably help this anxiety a lot, because I'll start to physically change into who I should be. You know?

Granted, my gender is a... Special case. I'm AFAB and consider myself transmasculine/androgyne but my gender expression is feminine. I don't really feel 'trans enough' and I wonder if that's why I'm not getting help...

I dunno, I'm so confused and exhausted. I just want to be happy and confident in my own skin and identity. I guess I'm just so nervous because I know I need to move forward and I'm not getting any younger. Everything is a damn mess right now. Anyone else ever experience similar? I could really use some advice or just some kind words, this is really rough.

Hi there! I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can relate to some of this. I'm AFAB but I identify as Androgyne. Sometimes I present more feminine, but usually I try my best to present more gender neutral. However, when I look in the mirror, I just see someone who's androgynous. Even when I put on a bit of makeup, I still don't see a woman in the mirror. My dysphoria is more social. Some people see me as androgynous while others see me as more feminine. When it comes to certain aspects of our identity, people often wants us to prove that we are what we identity as, and that is a toxic mindset. So I hear you when you say that you do not feel "trans enough". I worry about that, too, sometimes, especially when I hear binary trans people put down nonbinary trans people. When we start to transition, we reach a point when we feel stagnant. I'm at that point and it is very frustrating. It sounds like you might be at that point as well. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I wish you the best of luck!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keyplayer View Post
A question of pure insatiable curiosity :

Please forgive me , I am an old trans person , so with that in mind , please explain to me we so many use the term "queer" or "gender-queer" ?

I have always considered the word to be most offensive , and now a days it seem so widely used , and I know not why , so I ask you to educate this old trans.

Thanks

Keyplayer

Hey there! "Queer" is now more used as an umbrella term for anything that is seen as outside of the "norm"/ what society deems as "normal". Genderqueer is...well...queering gender, basically! I read somewhere that genderqueer focuses more on presentation and is more political? But I don't know much else besides that. Genderqueer is a term that often confuses me, as well, as I don't know the exact definition. ^__^;;
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