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Old 04-16-2018, 11:39 PM   #1
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Default Confused: Non- Binary, Trans....?

Hey guys, so for a while I thought I had autoandrophilia (a female who fantasizes about having a penis) until more recently believing myself to be trans. I'm not sure though.

I want a penis for sure. No doubt about that in my mind. But when it comes to other aspects of being trans, I don't feel as strongly.
I don't want to wear a binder, (I have small breasts anyway, so they don't interfere much.) but I don't care to have breasts either. Having a masculine chest does appeal to me though.

I don't necessarily desire to be called male pronouns, but I wouldn't mind it either. Recently I went to visit some elderly extended family members and saw some I hadn't yet met. (I recently got my hair cut to be like a male fauxhawk.) and they called me a boy. I only felt uncomfortable cause my family was there.

Surgery is terrifying to me. The thought if having people cut into my flesh and tear things out and move them around freaks me out. The thought of having to recover for months is scary. I've watched a few videos on youtube about trans guys talking about surgery. One guy had massive scars on his left arm. Which is scary.

I know that I can't live my life like this. I LITERALLY cannot have sex without having a penis. (I mean physically I can, but you know what I mean.) It makes me furious that most people are born and don't have this problem. They wanna have sex? All they gotta do is find someone who will let them fit their genitals into the other person's. They wanna masturbate and orgasm? They just have to do it.

I can't. I have to go through surgeries and pain and recovery and fear and hormones and taking time off of work and all this ****. Just to experience what 99% of people just get to wake up and feel I ****ing hate it.

On another note, since I only really desire to have a masculine body, but don't necessarily want to "be a man", does that mean I am non-binary? Calling myself a woman or a man both feel wrong. But I want a penis and masculine body. Is this just me very slowly coming to terms and not fully being there yet? Or is it being non-binary?
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Old 04-17-2018, 02:24 PM   #2
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I'm afraid there's not a lot I can offer here. But, since no one has yet replied to your post, I thought I would. Gender Identity Dysphoria is something I've struggled with my whole life. It's only quite recently that I think I've finally reached a point where it simply no longer matters.

The one thing I know is that gender identity issues can be extremely confusing. The contradictions I've struggled with throughout my life are too numerous to count! The good thing, nowadays, is that issues related to gender identity are finally out in the open. And there seems to be a general growing acceptance of them. When I was young gender & sexuality were simply not considered to be fit topics for converation. (Most people wouldn't have even considered there was a difference.)

Anyway... the other thing that's available nowadays, that wasn't when I was young, is counseling & mental health therapy. And it's my personal opinion that it's important for anyone struggling with gender identity issues to find a therapist who is experienced in working with people who have gender identity issues. So my hope is that this is something you are doing... or if not that it is somethng you will do as soon as you are able. I wish you well...
Speak only if you can improve upon the silence.
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Old 04-17-2018, 08:26 PM   #3
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I think only time will answer your question.

Gender is "fluid." It can change. You can end up anywhere on the gender spectrum.

Please do a lot of research, as last I knew, the surgeries for transforming female genitalia into male genitalia have not been very successful.

Gender Dysphoria can be very depressing. It is to be taken very seriously. Suicide attempt rates are very high within the Trans* community.

I hope you have a good therapist to work with as you sort this out.

My heart goes out to you.

May we each fully claim the courage to live from our hearts, to allow Love, Faith and Hope to enLighten our paths.

Kutless - What Faith Can Do

Last edited by Wild Coyote; 04-17-2018 at 09:03 PM..
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Old 08-20-2018, 06:57 PM   #4
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Default Re: Confused: Non- Binary, Trans....?

It's possible that you're non-binary, or a man. Only you can decide that. But I want you to know, it's very normal to have complicated feelings about transitioning. It's normal to feel strongly about certain parts of transition, and not others. So if that's what's making you hesitant to call yourself a man, I want you to know that's something most trans guys struggle with.

It all depends on what makes you happiest. And you can change your mind about what that is. If being a man or a woman doesn't fit you, then you don't have to be either one! Non-binary people struggle with those feelings, too.

Something that helped me come to terms with beings trans was this little exercise: If the primal force or being of your choice came down from their throne, and gave you permission to be what you wanted, how would you feel?
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Old 09-09-2018, 07:30 AM   #5
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Only time will tell, do you have a therapist to help you sort all this out? Surgery is a big deal to have from both a physical and mental perspective. I had some done and while it has helped me is some areas it has also opened up other areas that I have to deal with now
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Old 01-03-2019, 05:05 PM   #6
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Default Re: Confused: Non- Binary, Trans....?

(I have to avoid speaking on your surgical worries, as they are fears I have myself but I'd like to speak about some of your other points if that's OK.)

I found a quote a while ago that I really loved. I can't remember exactly how it went, but the gist was;

"It doesn't matter if you feel Trans, or want to Transition. What matters is how much more comfortable you feel when someone uses the right identifiers." and/or "How happy you could be while looking into a mirror."

Some People don't experience Dysphoria, or all forms of it; and that's OK. They are still valid. Gender, and Sexuality is a spectrum. Sometimes they fluctuate, and sometimes they don't. The only person who can answer those questions is yourself, but it doesn't hurt to speak to a Gender Therapist about them.

I'm Non-Binary (TransMasc), and use Masc pronouns. But it took me a very long time to figure out. I tried on a lot of titles, and used a lot of different pronouns with my friends. Like trying on a pair of pants to see if they fit, or if you like them. Sometimes finding our identities is easy, and sometimes it's an adventure. Both ways are OK.

Good Luck on your Journey.
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