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Old 04-14-2018, 12:16 AM   #1
eviedf
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Unhappy Feeling Powerless and Resentful

I came out to my family two years ago now.

It was, quite honestly, one of the more traumatic experiences in my life. It was my mother's birthday and I had listened to my school counselor's advice and decided: today was the day. Least to say, I was anxious the whole day leading to coming out and ended up having one of the worst panic attacks in my life. At that point, I didn't feel like I could even work up the strength or nerve to come out, but by then they had already noticed something was wrong with me. My mother and father cornered me and forced me to tell them what was going on when I finally managed to spout out, "I'm a boy". Absolutely terrified of their reactions... I think it's almost more disappointing when, instead of being outright against you and having a clear villainous figure to point to, they only eluded to their disappointment and disapproval. They then decided I needed to come out to the rest of the family gathered because... family? I don't even know. Even though I was clearly still unnerved by my panic attack, I had to repeat the process with all my family members packed into one room. Not a fun memory to think back on.

Anyway, my mother took the whole thing worst of all. She told me I was ungrateful when I expressed wishing to change my name. She told me that that was the name she had given me and that it would deeply hurt her if I was called otherwise. On top of that, they evaded all my requests and questions by stating, "Give it a year or two and see if you still feel the same way. We'll talk then."

So last year, on the one year anniversary, I attempted to breach the name topic once more with my mother. I figured it would be much easier to get a handle around than ever trying to convince her to let me go to counseling and get on T. Boy, was I wrong. She was furious with me; both her and my father told me that I dwelled too much on the issue. They told me I shouldn't think about it so much as it isn't "all that I am". I think the only thing worse was when my father claimed that I was merely too ashamed to be a lesbian, despite the fact that I am openly bisexual.

I don't know what to do and I feel like attempting to talk to either them again will only make things worse. Just thinking about having to wait until I'm a legal adult to change my name and start T and just be me is awful... How can they just expect me to just get over it? How can I make them understand? I feel like it does not matter, even if they knew just how much I suffer because I am stuck in this body and with this dead name. Does anyone have any advice?
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Old 04-14-2018, 05:31 PM   #2
Wild Coyote
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I am sorry you are going through this without the support from your family.
I am sorry they don't seem to understand all you are going through.

Are your parents willing to let you see a therapists? You might find support there.

Resources vary depending upon the area in which one lives. Any trans* support groups in your area?

Unfortunately, many have to wait until they are 18 y.o. before they start T.

You could change your name by asking people to call you by a certain name. You can change your name legally when you are of age.

Do you use a binder?

You'd likely do better with all of this if your parents were cooperative and would help to set you up with a therapist. Have you asked for a therapist?

Do you have any support... from siblings, friends, guidance counselor, pastor, anyone?

I hate to think of you living all alone with this.


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Old 04-15-2018, 03:53 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild Coyote View Post
I am sorry you are going through this without the support from your family.
I am sorry they don't seem to understand all you are going through.

Are your parents willing to let you see a therapists? You might find support there.

Resources vary depending upon the area in which one lives. Any trans* support groups in your area?

Unfortunately, many have to wait until they are 18 y.o. before they start T.

You could change your name by asking people to call you by a certain name. You can change your name legally when you are of age.

Do you use a binder?

You'd likely do better with all of this if your parents were cooperative and would help to set you up with a therapist. Have you asked for a therapist?

Do you have any support... from siblings, friends, guidance counselor, pastor, anyone?

I hate to think of you living all alone with this.


WC
Thank you for replying! I have briefly discussed finding a support group or seeing a therapist with my mother. At that time, we lived in a place with very little support for the LGBT+ community and support we did find would not allow minors. To be honest, I have been too scared to mention the subject again. Now we have health insurance though, so maybe I'll be able to work up the nerve to request it.

I had friends where I use to live that supported me and, though we still talk, it's very different from having someone right by my side. They would call me Lucas and by male pronouns, though I would ignore them if we were in public. I am very scared of what people will do if they find out that I am transgender.

My sister supports me as well, at least in some ways, though she has a lot of misunderstanding over what it means to be trans. For example, she thinks that I'm not transgender yet as I have not had any surgery. She is a lot more confident than me and tells me I just need to be myself and not care what others think. There have been several times she has outed me in front of people I do not know or trust yet, without regard to my concerns, and I don't know how to get it through to her that she shouldn't do this. Every time she outs me, it takes away my opportunity to decide when or if to tell someone and to properly explain to them my perspective. Even if it ends up going well (as in the person doesn't care and it is forgotten about) it leaves a bitter taste.

Also, I do not use a binder. I used to shove ACE bandages into my backpack, wrap myself in the school's bathroom, and then take it off before I walked home. My family found them one day; however, and threw them away. My mom told me that they would cause too much damage. I don't know what to do about this, either. I don't want to go against my family's wishes and I know ACE bandages can be damaging if worn for too long, but wearing them made me feel happy and comfortable. The only thing uncomfortable was my fear of others finding out.
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Old 04-16-2018, 10:08 PM   #4
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Default Re: Feeling Powerless and Resentful

Hey dude. I am almost 21 years old and still have done nothing to start transitioning. I only recently realized that I believe I am trans. Though I have been living with this feeling for about 7 years now. Not to belittle anyone, but I think if you wait til you're 18, you'll be fine. If I can go 7 years, you can go a few.

I haven't come out to anyone except my best friend. I just simply sent her a text and said "I think I might be trans."
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Old 04-17-2018, 07:46 PM   #5
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Hey Lucas!

I'd think about maybe getting the support of a therapist.

I am glad you sister supports you; yet, I also wish she would not out you.

I'd also keep an eye out for support groups.

I am glad you know that binding all of the time can do damage. I'd wanted to make sure you knew this.

Some young people get so desperate about their transition that they run away from home. I have known a few. It does not go well at all. Please do not run away. It's just not safe. You will have a better life if you stay with your parents and get support until your parents change their minds or until you are 18 y.o.

Right now is a good time to also stay focused on your education. Education/training all add up to earning power and, ultimately, to having a better life even after your transition.

The bottom line is: You'll want a good life! So whatever you do, take really good care of yourself!

You deserve as much support as you can get. So, maybe focus on ways/places to get healthy support?

You have my support.


WC
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