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Old 02-13-2019, 06:37 PM #11
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

If your dog doesnt like the person....
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Old 02-23-2019, 06:39 PM #12
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

My ex had red flags of abuse from day one but I was too daft at the time to just walk away. I remember that my friends wanted to meet him(both were dating each other at the time) and my one friend (let's call her Keli) wanted to check out a restaurant by where he lived. Keli and her boyfriend Eric made reservations and I told my ex at the time and he agreed. My ex sounded SUPER DRUNK on the phone when I had called him and he was telling me to just "go myself" and I was a little iffy but I drove there anyway. Well, he was loaded. I should have just left him there, but I dragged him along. He ended up being so obnoxious talking about how I was on a diet that my two friends ended up going outside to "smoke" to start texting me to just dump him and he was a ****.

When we got home, without even knowing these people he told me that they "had their **** together" and I didn't. When I told him about how hurtful that was the next day, he had 150 reasons why it wasn't really meant like that, I was too sensitive, etc.

SIGN ONE: Constant put downs.
SIGN TWO: Gaslighting.

My ex would constantly make jokes or rude comments at my expense that I started doing the same to him, which he would then turn around and say "well you do it to me". I dyed my hair blue, and it was runny and ended up staining my face. I ended up joking I was giving oral to a smurf. I laughed, he laughed, it was funny. Several days later he came over and saw the stains in my sink and said "wow what do you do suck **** all day you haven't cleaned this?" I was taken back, said no...but he continued. "Is it really worth it? I don't think so, you aren't that good at it."

SIGN THREE: Mean comments disguised as jokes.

Of course it was a "joke". How could I be so nit picky and overly sensitive? He didn't bring up blow jobs. I was the one who had started talking about them. Why was I getting upset.

Repeat of SIGN TWO: Gaslighting. You are over sensitive. You are a liar. I know you mix things up sometimes with your memory.

I can also say being overly critical is probably the same as constant put downs. I ended up filing for bankruptcy when I found out I was pregnant. I just wanted to start fresh. No car lease, no credit card bills, no debt. He would literally just randomly blurt out "you blew my mind when you filed for bankruptcy" or some sort of comment that was an attempt to criticize me.

I know myself, and I know I can over react and misread situations but you always just sort of have a "gut" feeling about something. I had this "gut" feeling about my ex, but I just didn't listen to myself. Always go with your gut. If someone sounds/feels off, the chances are (unless you yourself have a personality disorder) they are.
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Old 02-23-2019, 11:18 PM #13
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

I think this is at least a yellow caution flag, if not a red one.

I'm picturing the type of man who instantly evaluates all women according to their looks. I once showed a boyfriend a picture of my then step-sister who was holding the twins she had just given birth to. Most men would have commented on how cute the babies are. His instant reaction: "She ain't bad."

He would do the same with women he saw on television. The moment she appeared, it was either an appreciative, "Mmm, mmm!" or a hostile
Possible trigger:
Women were not human beings to him. They were objects that existed for two purposes only: to do housework, and to sexually entertain him. If any woman did not fill this role to his satisfaction at all times, he got very angry. Because, you know, that's what women are FOR.

I would also think it's a red flag if bars and other places that serve alcohol are the only places he ever wants to go on a date.
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Old 03-01-2019, 11:24 PM #14
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

Their style of play may be a good indicator of temperament. That same boyfriend used to do things like "playfully" bring his hand toward my face in a slapping gesture, or "playfully" reach over and pinch my thigh, or "playfully" walk past me and tug on my hair. If I spoke a word, of course I was being ridiculous because he wasn't actually causing me pain, but his actions were definitely showing hidden hostility. If that was his affection, guess how he acted toward me when he was angry. Yep.

And as for actual games, watch how they are when they're losing, or when you as their partner make a mistake. I've seen cards get thrown across the room, accompanied by loud f-bombs. Anybody over the age of four who acts that way is not relationship material.
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Old 03-01-2019, 11:35 PM #15
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

I thought I had made a similar thread some time ago. I found it. It's about a year old. Here's a link. There are several good early warning signs here.
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Old 03-02-2019, 06:06 PM #16
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

I own a blog and wrote on this topic, based on my own experience as well as research.

Here's what I came up with in an article I wrote on the definition of verbal and emotional abuse:

Verbal and Emotional Abuse in Relationships Defined

I hope it's helpful for ppl here. It's not an exhaustive list, but it covers many behaviors.
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Old 03-02-2019, 06:23 PM #17
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arbie View Post
One of the most reliable signs I've come across is to watch what kind of humor they think is funny. If they use put-downs under the guise of "it's just a joke," or laugh at somebody else's misfortunes, that signals to me that they're not a very nice person.


I agree. Disguising insults as a joke is a red flag for me too.
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Old 03-02-2019, 06:26 PM #18
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

Quote:
Originally Posted by ennie View Post
I think reading professional articles on warning signs of abuse is helpful. But I also like the idea of "peer support" on PC, where we share our experiences and learn new perspectives from each other that someone who has not gone through it personally may miss.



Is there anything specific you learned about the warning signs of abuse that may be helpful for informing others?


Feeling confused around someone. Sometimes abusive people hide it really well at first but I notice myself feeling confused about the person... Iíll feel something is off but I canít put my finger on it. Thatís a reliable red flag for me.
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Old 03-02-2019, 06:31 PM #19
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

Quote:
Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
I own a blog and wrote on this topic, based on my own experience as well as research.



Here's what I came up with in an article I wrote on the definition of verbal and emotional abuse:



Verbal and Emotional Abuse in Relationships Defined



I hope it's helpful for ppl here. It's not an exhaustive list, but it covers many behaviors.


Good job on the article
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Old 03-03-2019, 09:24 AM #20
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sisabel View Post
Good job on the article
Thank you, Sisabel. Much appreciated.
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