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Old 01-23-2019, 04:46 PM   #1
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Default Abused by someone I trusted

I have never really told anyone this but I would really like to get this off my chest...

I was sexually abused by my ex-boss.

I started a multimedia company which was doing very well. So well in fact that I ended up selling it to a larger company owned by someone I had met in school. He was a professor, a friend, a "Family Man", a self-proclaimed "Man of God". Anyways, I have been ashamed since the moment that it happened. I will still, to this day, take an extra long shower after I think about it for too long. I re-live it again and again through night terrors and it will normally trigger panic attacks. To be honest, this is the first time EVER that I have felt any sort of empowerment in relation to this incident.

He invited me to play billiards, something we had done in the past once or twice before (I am really lucky that I can still play the game that I love actually). We went to the pool hall and there was no place to park. I began to feel really drowsy and lost consciousness. I then woke up in his house and clearly had been sexually assaulted. Memories of the incident slowly have come to me over the years.

Going to work the next day was one of the hardest things I've ever done. He acted as if NOTHING HAPPENED.

After that, he tried to hang out with him again, I refused. By the next 2 weeks, he had convinced everyone in the office that I was on drugs and not to listen to me. I would tell you more about how I was treated by him and "the others" in the office but it just hurts too much. He then forced me to go to a rehab or lose my job. I walked the ***** OUTTA THERE and never looked back.. It was an absolute nightmare. I left on my birthday. A real gift never having to speak to that disgusting monster EVER AGAIN!

I lost my contacts, my company, most of my friends, my passion, and my art. I never hated anything before.. But I know what hate is now. I have thought about hurting him, his death, telling his family.

Nothing has ever made me feel better... Sexually, I am a mess. Even with my loving wife I still feel sexually ashamed and incapable. I've told her and I think she understands, but hell, I don't even understand.. What's to understand? That I am used up, an ugly disgraced piece of trash? I feel as if he took a piece of me away it's gone forever. He used me as a piece of meat to fill a sick fantasy. I used to feel so ugly that the only thing that made me feel better was cutting myself... Trying to match physically the pain I felt inside. I've though about suicide... But then what? Because of him? He should be feeling this pain, he should be in hell, not me!

I honestly don't know why I am sharing this right now. I trust the folks here. More than mostly everyone in my life honestly... I just wish I could leave it behind. That man was a monster. He is the garbage. He is the trash... But I am the one who feels like it.

Will I ever feel anything different than this hatred again? Will I ever feel beautiful again? I mean, I just made myself cringe even writing that last sentence. It's almost like I am permanently disqualified from feeling "beautiful". Will I ever get over this? If so how?

I don't need answers... I just need to tell someone. Thanks for listening.
Recovering from the past. Growing in the present. Planting seeds for the future.

Rx: Methadone 85mg, Seroquel 300mg, Lamictal 200mg, Clonadine 0.3mg, Cyclobenzaprine 10mg
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Old 01-23-2019, 06:20 PM   #2
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Abused by someone I trusted
Speak only if you can improve upon the silence.
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Old 01-23-2019, 06:57 PM   #3
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I'm sorry that happened to you BonsaiGuy. Have you thought about seeing a counselor for this?that would be my suggestion,a person usually can't just get over something like that on their own.

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Old 01-23-2019, 11:46 PM   #4
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Iím pretty sure itís a good thing you felt able to put this out there. Many many hugs and much support ❤️
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Old 01-24-2019, 12:27 AM   #5
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So sorry that happened to you BonsaiGuy. It was not your fault. I can only imagine the pain you are experiencing. Thank you for sharing your truth. You have a beautiful presence here on PC with your eloquent and thoughtful messages. Peace to you
Non ridere, non lugere, neque detestari, sed intelligere.
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