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Old 01-13-2019, 07:02 PM   #1
may24
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Default Guilt, hoplessness and trust issues

(sharing my story and current feelings - sorry this is a little long -)

2 years ago, after I had learnt about the dysfunctional dynamics in my family and how they had affected my mental health over the years; I left my parents house and moved out on my own.
I thought things could only get better and that I'd keep recovering and getting stronger after that. But the truth is I was in a very vulnerable state; trying to build a new life, in a new city and all alone.
There was a lot going on in my life and I was not looking for a relationship, but I ended up getting into an abusive relationship with someone who turned out to be just like my narcissistic father. I suffered from emotional and sexual abuse and I didn't tell anyone because I used to justify everything and I believed it was my fault. (I'm still trying to come to terms with some of the things that happened)

It caused me so much pain at such a vulnerable time of my life that I relapsed into depression and bulimia and things kept getting worse even after we broke up.

I tried to make things work and stayed in the same city for a year, but I was in a survival mode and feeling disconnected from everything.
Then my mental and physical health got worse and I had to move back in with my parents.

Things are going better at home, but I'm still struggling with depression and trust issues. I'm also feeling guilty and ashamed for wasting the opportunity to create a different life, and staying in that relationship for so long without doing anything to stop the abuse.
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Old 01-13-2019, 09:17 PM   #2
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Default Re: Guilt, hoplessness and trust issues

I found it useful to write letters to myself. Kind of like how I'd talk to a friend who has been abused. I was able to develop more self compassion this way.

It was not your fault you were abused. 💜
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Old 01-14-2019, 07:44 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KD1980 View Post
I found it useful to write letters to myself. Kind of like how I'd talk to a friend who has been abused. I was able to develop more self compassion this way.

It was not your fault you were abused. 💜
Thank you. I've been doing affirmations and journaling but I've never written a letter. I think I might try it ❤
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Old 01-18-2019, 09:10 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by may24 View Post
But the truth is I was in a very vulnerable state; trying to build a new life, in a new city and all alone.
There was a lot going on in my life and I was not looking for a relationship, but I ended up getting into an abusive relationship with someone who turned out to be just like my narcissistic father.
People take advantage of your vulnerable state. I know exactly what you are talking about. I have tons of regrets too, like "I should have never shared that information with that person," etc. However, the positive part of it is this:

Better late than never.

I will know better next time.
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Old 01-18-2019, 07:23 PM   #5
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Default Re: Guilt, hoplessness and trust issues

I'm sorry you've gone through something like that too.
You're right... The problem is that sometimes I feel like I never learn. I keep repeating the same mistakes and engaging with people that end up taking advantage of me in some way, (and then I feel stupid for letting them treat me like that).
I don't know, right now I feel like I can't get close to anyone. I think I need to work on forgiving myself and learning how to trust myself, before I can trust anyone else.
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Old 01-19-2019, 04:55 AM   #6
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Default Re: Guilt, hoplessness and trust issues

I always feel that shame, guilt, jealous and regret are nearly always unhelpful and harmful feelings. Almost useless really. It just seems like a way for us to beat ourselves up. Do not feel shame because you are not a bad person. Put down the bat...you have beaten yourself up enough already.
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