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Old 08-08-2018, 09:24 PM   #1
hanlylyly
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Trig repressed memories, PLEASE HELP

TRIGGER WARNING, MAYBE TMI?
Hello, my name is Han and I was hoping maybe someone could help me. I don't remember my life from ages 4-8, but rather snippets as if someone has cut out a crude jig saw puzzle filled with my memories. I don't remember any visits with my father, even though I know they happened. When I was younger, my mum said an 'incident' happened with my grandfather which caused her concern and started her suspicions that I was sexually abused by my father. I remember being really young when I learnt what masturbation was, but I don't remember how I knew. The only thing that made me feel 'good' when doing it was thinking about sexual abuse, like pamphlets on rape at the doctors or in magazines. I didn't understand what I was doing, and after wards I would cry because I felt so guilty. I remember that when masturbating I would think about various men in my life raping me, it was the only thing that made me feel 'good' in that way. I would fantasize about it a lot when I was younger. To this day I can only watch porn that is centred around non consent or abuse. I remember teaching my sister how to kiss people. I don't remember being with my dad, or anything like that. I remember cutting my dolls hair and hiding it under the bed out of shame, and I remember knowing how to touch myself at a really young age. I am filled with shame writing about this and my heart feels heavy. Did something happen to me? I know no one can definitively say, and Ive read that repressed memories have turned out to be fake so I feel really awful. I really believe that something happened to me, its the only thing I can think of to explain my behaviours, loss of memories and my strange distrust of men. Please can someone talk to me or help me? Thank you so much

Last edited by bluekoi; 08-08-2018 at 09:41 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Old 08-09-2018, 12:36 AM   #2
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I dont know what to say other than I am going through the same. I dont have a whole lot of memory either but I am very confused about that. Some peope like my mom can remember everything and I remember very little its very tricky. If it is important for you to know dont let anyone take that from you. A therapist might be able to help you with the pieces. Good luck.
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Old 08-09-2018, 08:30 PM   #3
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I know how guilty you must feel and I know it must be very confusing. Perhaps something did happen, but you were at such a young age its hard to interpret and make sense of it all.
The important thing is that your intent here is to understand and wrap your mind around confusing events. I have had decades of sleepless nights wondering if I was dreaming about abusive events that occurred to me and to this day I still don't know and it makes me feel crazy at times and ashamed and embarrassed at other times.
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or I'm lost
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Old 08-14-2018, 03:23 PM   #4
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Default Re: repressed memories, PLEASE HELP

Whether repressed memories are real or not is still debatable though. We canít really say itís fake or not yet. I suggest you seek a therapist as they might be able to help you getting some understanding about your concerns.
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