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Old 11-10-2017, 02:11 PM   #1
it'sgrowtime
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Long ago, I became like a fainting goat...see something triggering and lose touch, be rendered useless...just faint, wander away, or stare.
I never put it together. I was book smart yet emotionally, my pages were scattered, erased, and not picked up by anyone who would help me (mother).
Trying to process these instances of abusive pervs in my life, my children's life, my siblings' life, etc....I get spacey, feel pain below, and sweat.
The uncomfortable state leads to anger and frustration, then negative thoughts about life...me. "I hate ..."
I start to panic a bit. I think about how I don't reach out to others, and about how I have no extended family to speak of, so many people that can't be trusted ..I visualize walls closing in.
I'm rendered useless. When I did fight for justice, there was little.
Can't experience the city freely, might run into pervo or his wife. Can't enjoy little extended family I'm okay with...what if they doubt the truth?
The holidays are now painful reminders of fracture and betrayal. Participating feels akin to self-flagellation. I am not looking forward to any of it.
Thanksgiving, circa 2006: many of us were playing a board game, spread around on the couches, chairs, and floor. My son, about six, was proud of his reading skills. I was so proud of him, too. I'm sitting next to him on the couch. Sitting at his other side, is perv. Son read off the card to the group, as I watch him hold the card, his little legs cross-crossed. I see perv slip his hand onto sons thigh. I stiffen up, eyes blur, hold breath. Son flicks pervs hand off his leg and keeps reading. I'm relieved and confused. Within another minute, I see pervs hand slip onto son's thigh again. Son grabs hand, pulls it high into air, and dramatically drops pervs hand. I look around at the group for...something... no one is looking except pervs cousin, who looks at me blankly. We leave a few minutes later, and son refuses to hug perv goodbye. I asked hm in the car why he turned his head and wouldn't hug "grandpa." He said he didn't feel like it and asked if that was alright. I said yes. We acknowledged the leg thing briefly, like yeah he does not need his hand on your leg.
But I disassociated, and did nothing. I was confused about what happened, and what it meant.
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Old 11-11-2017, 10:09 PM   #2
mimsies
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mimsies This grieving thing is kicking my butt.
 
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Default Re: Working on processing bad memories, and shame

You didn't intervene, and your son handled it beautifully. Someone must have taught him that. Then you talked about it, so he knew he was right and grandpa was wrong.

You have helped him learn to be empowered, and he stood up for himself. That is pretty terrific.

I think you handled the convo in the car well. Can you tell me what other ways you have taught your son to be so good at protecting himself? That is an amazing story.
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Old 11-12-2017, 05:34 PM   #3
it'sgrowtime
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mimsies View Post
You didn't intervene, and your son handled it beautifully. Someone must have taught him that. Then you talked about it, so he knew he was right and grandpa was wrong.

You have helped him learn to be empowered, and he stood up for himself. That is pretty terrific.

I think you handled the convo in the car well. Can you tell me what other ways you have taught your son to be so good at protecting himself? That is an amazing story.
Thank you for your positive perspective. I guess I think I've failed so badly by experiencing that scenario, and feeling like grandpa cannot be trusted, yet I continued to have my son..and then daughter.. visit their grandparents.
I should have known the hand thing meant that he wasn't safe. I should have known my mom (grandma) would not keep my kids safe in her home.

I am protective of my children, and they are in turn protective, I suppose. My son is careful who he spends time with, and I've taught him to be careful with his decisions. I have protected and defended him from aggressive males in the family, but not as well I as I wish I would have. I have corrected others and protected him from very stupid, selfish, and twisted ideals that have pervaded the culture of extended family. I have broken ties with dangerous family members, and friends over the years.
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Old 11-12-2017, 10:38 PM   #4
mimsies
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mimsies This grieving thing is kicking my butt.
 
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Default Re: Working on processing bad memories, and shame

No one will do everything perfectly, period. It sounds like you have taken many important steps to protect him. It is extremely difficult to not allow children to visit their grandparents.

I know that probably you shouldn't have, but it is just So hard, and you can't be perfect. Instead of beating yourself up, acknowledge that you didn't do it all perfectly, but that you tried really hard to protect your children, probably far more effectively than anyone ever tried to protect you. It isn't as if you had a good role model on how to protect your kids from these problematic people.

Just support them and acknowledge what you wish you had done better and continue to heal yourself and help your children heal.

You ARE a good mom.
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