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Old 01-12-2018, 11:06 AM   #1
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Default Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

Hi everyone, my fellow PCers,

So for all of my life I have been a chosen target for narcissists and/or abusers. Not every relationship has been like this, but many upon many. Too many!

My dad is pretty narcissistic, he's been controlling and emotionally abusive while I was growing up. I faced a lot of criticism vs. supportive nurturing as a child. And admonishment/chastising for my emotions. My upset feelings were never validated or acceptable.

I've had years of therapy. Over the years, my self esteem and self identity has improved vastly.

Today, I am a fairly confident, successful woman with a strong sense of self and self-worth. When I recognize abuse, I get out of the relationship. It may take me some time, but I do it. I don't drag out these situations for years. I see it, I feel it and I get out. So that's the good news.

The bad news is: I keep attracting the same types of men over and over again, and I want to break the pattern, but I don't know how? I am 47 -- enough is enough already!

I am working with my therapist on identifying and recognizing red flags from the outset.

But what else can I do???

The last guy I dated I suspect may be NPD -- yet another one. How do I conduct myself so that I am not a target for abusers and NPDs? They deliberately choose their targets. I know this because I have read it.

I am a very honest, very nice, soft hearted, kind, compassionate and open person... probably far too nice and accepting of people. But WHY am I attracting abusers???? What is it about me that brings them all to me? Do I need to come across as more of a biotch??

TY so much for your help!
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Old 01-12-2018, 11:38 AM   #2
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Default Re: Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

Hi Goldeneye,
I have been looking at this topic also. I came across a book, the human magnet syndrome and it made a lot of sense of this issue for me. You can Youtube search the book and author, who puts a number of videos there. I stumbled upon Codependents Anonymous, CoDA, while on this search and their groups can be a good resource for people who want to understand and change from within.

From their site:
"Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous, a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships."

I haven't tried it yet, but I'm considering it. It tends to have less of the narcissistic and abusive members because they do not tend to look for help to be better. It's more people who get hurt. I'm not crazy over the name, but I think it fits what we're talking about.
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Old 01-12-2018, 01:16 PM   #3
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Default Re: Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

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Originally Posted by wordshaker View Post
Hi Goldeneye,
I have been looking at this topic also. I came across a book, the human magnet syndrome and it made a lot of sense of this issue for me. You can Youtube search the book and author, who puts a number of videos there. I stumbled upon Codependents Anonymous, CoDA, while on this search and their groups can be a good resource for people who want to understand and change from within.

From their site:
"Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous, a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships."

I haven't tried it yet, but I'm considering it. It tends to have less of the narcissistic and abusive members because they do not tend to look for help to be better. It's more people who get hurt. I'm not crazy over the name, but I think it fits what we're talking about.
TY so much!!! I will look into both!!
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Old 01-12-2018, 04:20 PM   #4
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Default Re: Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
I am a very honest, very nice, soft hearted, kind, compassionate and open person... probably far too nice and accepting of people. But WHY am I attracting abusers???? What is it about me that brings them all to me?
You answered your own question. You are soft hearted and compassionate.

It's easier to target someone who feels empathy. If you're soft hearted, you're probably more forgiving. You're probably more sensitive, making you easier to hurt.

I also grew up with a Narcissistic father, I married one, and I've dated a few. I hear where you're coming from.

Know the red flags. That's my first piece of advice.
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Old 01-12-2018, 04:32 PM   #5
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Default Re: Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

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You answered your own question. You are soft hearted and compassionate.

It's easier to target someone who feels empathy. If you're soft hearted, you're probably more forgiving. You're probably more sensitive, making you easier to hurt.

I also grew up with a Narcissistic father, I married one, and I've dated a few. I hear where you're coming from.

Know the red flags. That's my first piece of advice.
Thank you for your input and reply!

Yes, I am very sensitive, very forgiving and can be hurt easily. I don't have very thick skin sometimes.

Ok, so start with the red flags - thank you!
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:22 PM   #6
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Default Re: Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

I'm familiar with his book The Human Magnet Syndrome. Personally (and this is just me), I have trouble with his ideas.

I do believe that when we are starved for love growing up, we have a much higher tendency to develop unhealthy relationship patterns as an adult.

For myself, I know that love bombing feels good and sometimes I have trouble recognizing the more subtle forms of affection and love.

But, I don't think I have a "syndrome". Bonding intimately and feeling loved is a primal, basic human need. Having an unhealthy attachment style is something to be aware of, but I don't believe in co-dependency in the way he talks about it. That's just me. YMMV

I am also someone of faith and I believe in reincarnation and karma. We experience things to learn a lesson. What if my horrendous, abusive relationship with my ex-husband was something I needed to experience to learn from a past life?
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:27 PM   #7
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Default Re: Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

Quote:
Originally Posted by emzara View Post
I'm familiar with his book The Human Magnet Syndrome. Personally (and this is just me), I have trouble with his ideas.

I do believe that when we are starved for love growing up, we have a much higher tendency to develop unhealthy relationship patterns as an adult.

For myself, I know that love bombing feels good and sometimes I have trouble recognizing the more subtle forms of affection and love.

But, I don't think I have a "syndrome". Bonding intimately and feeling loved is a primal, basic human need. Having an unhealthy attachment style is something to be aware of, but I don't believe in co-dependency in the way he talks about it. That's just me. YMMV

I am also someone of faith and I believe in reincarnation and karma. We experience things to learn a lesson. What if my horrendous, abusive relationship with my ex-husband was something I needed to experience to learn from a past life?
Ty as well for your reply!

I will check out this author's work anyways and see what i think.

Thing is. I have worked on self-love for years and I love myself far better than I used to. I used to not like myself very much. But perhaps I am still love starved I don't know? Or maybe I just want to be in love and find my life partner so badly that I accept and overlook the red flags..... with my ex fiance, this was the case. I overlooked ALL red flags, and he turned out to be kind of abusive.

And I used to be more co-dependent but I don't think I am anymore. I don't feel the need to fix someone's problems or take them all on as my own in order to have love and to be loved.
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:33 PM   #8
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Default Re: Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

https://www.psychopathfree.com/artic...-targeted.265/
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:40 PM   #9
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Default Re: Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

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TY! Great article!
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Old 01-13-2018, 05:47 AM   #10
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Default Re: Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

I don't believe we draw anyone to us; it is just that there are SO many abusive people in the world. One in 3 women will be physically assaulted and it all begins with verbal abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is a book which I believe everyone should read. It saved my life....don't ever blame yourself for what someone else says or does.
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