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Old 11-13-2017, 03:32 AM   #1
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Trig cant figure out please help me

i am 19(male) now i haven't said this to anyone literally nobody. when i was in 3/4th standard i started having sexual relations with my cousin brother who was 4 years older than me. we had oral sex but never penetration we watched porn together and sometimes masturbated together and after like 5 years we stopped doing these stuff when i was in 8th standard. later i developed self hate like hating my body my face my hairstyle i couldn't bear to see myself in mirror and i developed obsessive porn addiction. which i managed to deal with things got worse when my sir stripped my shirt in front of class only to make it worse i tried to commit suicide but i didn't do it.i am so scared of even tucking my shirt in front of my fellow mates or stand to see myself naked and i always look at my private parts like filth . even though i dress ok i feel as if i am naked or i look dirty in my clothes. 3 days ago i was watching some film it had some sexual content that provoked this thought of what happened. i keep remembering stuff that happened only to make it worse i feel like cutting myself or taking nicotine or emerging myself in stress.for the first time in my life i cried on bed and slept. i didn't hate what happened 8 years ago but does it still effect me ? i haven't been able to talk or make friends with new people since my 11th class. i cant talk with or trust new people whom i met in university. i can only talk with my school friends be it girls or boys.

recently of my classmates slipped some slipped some chocolates into my bag and i was scared thing is still feel if they know it they might think i am dirty .i am cant stand to look myself in mirror. i have cried myself to sleep several times . i feel naked all the time. recently i met my school friends who talked about their sex life and i felt as if i can never be open or intimate with anyone anymore. Did this sexual relation when i was 8 really effect me ? i have been keeping this my self for a longtime .
sorry to bother with triggers

Last edited by Lavender.; 11-13-2017 at 08:50 AM.. Reason: added trigger
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Old 11-13-2017, 02:01 PM   #2
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Default Re: cant figure out please help me

Sorry if some of the responses here are less than supportive.

It seems as though you have been really deeply effected by these experiences, and perhaps others?

You really need to see a therapist or counselor and talk about the symptoms you are experiencing, because you are clearly in distress. Take time to find a therapist who meshes well with you and who has experience dealing with issues like yours.

I am sorry things are so rough for you.

Thank you for opening up and reaching out for support, it isn't easy to do.
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Old 11-13-2017, 10:44 PM   #3
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Default Re: cant figure out please help me

I would imagine that a child who is only 8 would see a boy who is 4 years older as someone really cool who they would want to be friends with, want to impress, want to go along with rather than arguing. Even if he didn't force you to do anything, there was a kind of coercion involved because he was older. And even if some of it seemed not so bad or even fun or interesting at the time,that doesn't mean it hasn't still affected you as sexual abuse. You may have tried to see it as okay and cool, to be like an older boy. But ultimately he was mistreating you, and I'm guessing you might have had some confused emotions or you might have stuffed down your real feelings about doing those things.

Maybe this guy didn't realize the harm he was doing, I'm not saying he was evil. But I think this intense shame that you are experiencing is very typical of sexual abuse.

It's brave of you to say this here, it's a good step. At your university is there some free counseling? Could you find out whether you'd be able to see a counselor once a week for a while? It might seem like it's impossible to talk about this with someone in person, but you don't actually have to say the details. You could talk only about your feelings, you could be vague, or you could write something down to have them read so you don't have to say it.

What happened to you is not your fault, and it does not make you dirty. You were a child, you went along with someone older, you were manipulated. It was not your fault. I think that everything you mentioned -- feeling shame, fears about your body, discomfort about sexual topics, sexualized behaviors like a lot of porn use, depression and thoughts about hurting yourself -- all of that could be related to this abuse you suffered. Five years out of your childhood is a very long time. I do hope you're able to see someone. This is not your fault, and you deserve to have some help and compassion with it.
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Old 11-14-2017, 06:28 AM   #4
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Default Re: cant figure out please help me

Seeing a therapist could help.
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