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Unread 05-12-2017, 09:13 PM   #1
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Default Expected to tolerate it

Because of my partners illnesses I am expected to tolerate his abuse.

Tonight I was awoken by him crashing and banging in the kitchen, when he doesn't come back to bed within a minute or two I know I need to go downstairs​ or it'll be worse. I find him eating but the moment I walk in he's shouting at me for putting food in the wrong place and not getting a clean dish cloth out when I put the last one in the wash. I've already had hell for not behaving/coping with him recently being rushed to hospital with a life threatening asthma attack in a way he approves of.....

These out bursts are almost daily but I also endure prolonged rants which are deliberately vicious; never physical towards me but he will break things trash the house, but because of his OCD and Borderline personality disorder it is expected behaviour. Even at a support group I attend where others have family members with the same or similar illness they endure and expect to suffer such abuse, but as one woman pointed out of her son if she tries to walk away or express how unacceptable the behaviour is it just makes it worse

It's like living with Jekyll and Hyde
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Unread 05-12-2017, 10:00 PM   #2
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Default Re: Expected to tolerate it

I'm really sorry to hear your are dealing with this abuse. You don't deserve it just because he has a mental illness. Mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. Always remember that. You deserve better than this. I'm wishing you the best of luck. I do not have much advice for you because the only person who I dealt with who had borderline personality disorder lived far away and I cut off all contact because it was too toxic for me. But I can send you good vibes.
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Unread 05-18-2017, 04:19 PM   #3
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Default Re: Expected to tolerate it

BDPartner, have you ever thought about leaving him?
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Unread 05-19-2017, 10:57 PM   #4
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Default Re: Expected to tolerate it

Quote:
Originally Posted by cielpur View Post
BDPartner, have you ever thought about leaving him?
The uncomfortable truth of the situation is that he is influenced by his disorders and that he's desperately wanting help to learn to overcome it but we hit setback after setback. He is a great guy when he's good and I do love him but it's the flip side is his vicious ranting. He can't deal with his emotions it can be like living with a toddler even down to the tantrums but only in a fully grown man

Doctors​, therapists​ etc expect me to be able to let him vent and erupt without letting it affect me. I should stay detached, let it roll off like water on a ducks back, it's not personal. But there are only so many times you can ignore being told that you're a selfish fat ***** and that your partner hates you before it starts to eat away at your confidence etc.
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Unread 05-19-2017, 11:01 PM   #5
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Default Re: Expected to tolerate it

Needing to vent does not equal demeaning others or making verbal abuse ok. His behavior is not ok. Since he knows his diagnosis it falls on him to be responsible and learn coping skills.
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Unread 05-20-2017, 07:40 AM   #6
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Default Re: Expected to tolerate it

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. When you hear abuse, cortisol is released, and cortisol damages the immune system. it is like having rocks thrown at you and you wouldn't stand there and let anyone do that to you. All you can do is refuse to listen to verbal assault......don't respond, they don't care what you think or feel. Walkaway into another room, if he follows you, go outside. No one ever gets used to (or should) by being abused.
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Unread 05-20-2017, 02:42 PM   #7
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Default Re: Expected to tolerate it

hi i am sorry for what you are going through and i hope that you can get some help and improve things for both of you .I would also just like to say that not all people with bpd are verbally abusive to others including thier partners.
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Unread 05-20-2017, 07:07 PM   #8
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Default Re: Expected to tolerate it

No, you shouldn't have to accept verbal and emotional abuse even if that person has an MI.
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