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Old 01-08-2019, 05:30 AM   #1
WishfulThinker66
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I have no trouble standing up for the underdog. I will jump into action to advocate for a person being wronged. Yet, when it comes to standing up for myself I completely wimp out. I can't say a thing even when I am clearly being wronged.

You are all likely familiar with my work situation. If it was happening to someone else I would do everything in my power to try and make the situation right yet I can't speak up about my own. I offer too yesterday's experience at the hair salon. The woman managed to shower me during the shampoo with cold water all over my face, and my clothing down to my shoes (we had to use a blow dryer to dry me off before I could leave). She also hacked my hair to an inch long (nothing like what I described or showed her). I could not bring myself to speak up. Had it been someone else I would have done so. Yet I did not. I quietly paid an expensive bill I shouldn't have had to. To make it worse, I tipped her too. I cried all the way home for not only did I look like crap, i knew I had acted ridiculously like a wimp when any other person would have stood up for themself.

My inner voice is that of my mother admonishing me. When things like this happened to me as I was growing up she always found some reason to tell me it was my fault. She also was adamant that one not draw uneccessary attention to themself. So when situations like this arrive, I shut up and endure it all. Afterall (in her voice) I keep telling myself if I make a fuss, "What would people think?"

Can anyone relate to this? How do you cope with it? How far would you let things get before finally reacting?
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Old 01-08-2019, 06:24 AM   #2
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I'm so sorry, WishfulThinker66 I can definitely relate to what you wrote. I have problems standing up for myself as well. It's hard to deal with. I think a way to cope with it would be to drop some hints without being too explicit. You could try to say that the hair looked different from what you expected, for example. It's not easy and it doesn't always work, but it could be a start. I think it's important to do some exercise in that regard, for our own well-being. Also if you're having problems with your mother, maybe it would be good to work on them as well. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. Please don't give up, standing up for ourselves is hard but it can be done. Remember that you're not alone in this. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 01-08-2019, 08:07 AM   #3
WishfulThinker66
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Also if you're having problems with your mother..... Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. Please don't give up, standing up for ourselves is hard but it can be done. Remember that you're not alone in this. Sending many hugs to you
Mom has long since passed yet she will forever have her grip upon me.

Thanks for your very kind words. I do have therapy for anxiety. Nothing as of yet has come up to cope with this.
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Old 01-08-2019, 08:13 AM   #4
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I can definitely relate. While Iíve gotten better at speaking up for myself, there are many situations that I donít. I think itís something we practice. Fake it till you make it perhaps? This is a good topic to discuss and I find that my discussions on PC motivate me to take action IRL. can you stand up for yourself?
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Old 01-08-2019, 09:57 AM   #5
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I can relate to you allot my Mom always put blame on me, nothing I could do was right with her. Also if i did anything good she would ask me do i expect a gold medal or something. She always pointed the finger at me. She died when i was 15 years old and still hear her in my head. I find it's easier to stand up for others. Hugs
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Old 01-08-2019, 10:22 AM   #6
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I see that this could be on account of the way we were raised. Being raised not to have a voice or opinion has a factor now in adulthood. I suppose I make up for that in spades now. But yet when it comes to myself I get wishy washy - especially when it means advocating for myself when things aren't going the right way or are outright wrong. The message I got was that I wasn't worth it to speak up about, that you shouldn't be heard to complain, and that doing so was not ladylike. Remain silent until spoken to sort of thing. This has translated to getting walked over - something I experienced in two long-term abusive relationships.

I find it easy to do these things as an anonymous second self - to air my opinions and grievances in a way I could not do in real life. Yeah, I am aware this gets me into trouble. I crave having such balls to do so for real.
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Old 01-09-2019, 06:57 AM   #7
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I used to have problems but it took sobriety for me to set boundaries to stand up for myself. Something I tell myself is conversation doesnt have to be confrontation. Standing up for yourself doesnt have to be this negative thing. I am direct and honest now- sometimes blunt but a lot of people are more receptive to this than you think.
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Old 01-11-2019, 10:56 AM   #8
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I'm so sorry to hear about what you had to go through at the salon. May you be reimbursed in another way by someone else. I believe in karma and I believe that the heaven above sees your integrity and will reward you.

It's hard for me to speak up for myself too and I empathize with you. I am still experiencing growing pain in this area. I don't have the best advice for you, other than that you should establish boundaries on what you are willing and not willing to tolerate from others (and if possible, get an accountability partner or a therapist to help you stick to it....I think you could even use a habit tracker for this too).



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Old 01-11-2019, 01:12 PM   #9
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So I reached my breaking point. Unfortunately it came with a bit of a melt down. But my foot came down and I told them there was no crossing the line.
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Old 01-11-2019, 06:16 PM   #10
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So I reached my breaking point. Unfortunately it came with a bit of a melt down. But my foot came down and I told them there was no crossing the line.
Good for you!
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