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Old 10-27-2018, 03:22 AM   #1
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Default School and boys (the past)

Just getting some stuff out.

In first school I was obsessed with this boy (S) in the class (possibly some sort of childish crush?) and I daydreamed about him a lot. There was this annoying boy (W) who was always getting told off and was always picking fights with other boys (including S). He was bigger than most boys and I remember the teacher said something about him "throwing his weight around". Though he never bothered me personally, he was annoying and I got more annoyed when he started picking on S. I dealt with this by daydreaming about S pushing W over and jumping up and down on him. I really enjoyed this daydream.

In middle school I had a crush on this guy (A) who was more one of my female friends' friend, but we all hung around together so he was in my "friend group". I wished he was my boyfriend instead of just a friend and daydreamed a lot. Then one day another boy in the class made a joke that I was his girlfriend. He said something along the lines of "Eww no way! She's far to skinny and pale". I wanted to cry but I didn't, not at school anyway, when I got home I cried all evening but I was too embarrassed to tell my mum why when she asked. I made up something else actually but I can't remember what. I also tried to avoid A at school but I was worried it would look obvious.

Also in middle school I had a crush on another boy but I found out he had a girlfriend in the year above. This might have been the start of my jealousy problem, because I really hated her. I walked past her in the corridor and gave her a dirty look and fantasised about tripping her up (but I didn't).

By high school I had been told I was unattractive so many times I gave up on boys, though I did have many crushes on singers/band members and I daydreamed about them a lot.

I know this isn't school but it's similar. At one of the courses the jobcentre sent me to, I had a crush on a guy (P). But I knew from the past that I am too ugly so I pretended to not like him and made a special effort to ignore and avoid him. I had made friends with another girl in the class (F) so I mostly sat with her and talked to her. One day I saw F talking to P and laughing. My jealousy raged and I felt some hate towards F and didn't really want to talk to her. But I didn't want it look obvious. There was no actually evidence that they were flirting or whatever, and at some point F got a boyfriend (not on this course) and that was such a relief because it meant she wouldn't be interested in P. But I was never going to ask him and out and obviously he would have never asked me out, so really it shouldn't have mattered. But I don't think I could have been friends with F if she was with my crush.

I have grown out of that now, and never really have crushes on men anymore because it's pointless, I accept that I'm far too unattractive now. I still do get jealous about other things that other people have and I can't have, and I think now I'm more jealous that other girls can get boyfriends because they are attractive enough.
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Old 12-19-2018, 08:30 PM   #2
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Default Re: School and boys (the past)

I 've seen a lot of less attractive women with boyfriends. We tend to do better with men on our level of attractiveness. Honestly, it could be you are looking for men who are really good looking and can pull in equally attractive women. Some guys are also willing to overlook less attractiveness for other good qualities....
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