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Old 03-14-2018, 08:21 PM   #1
Anonymous50909
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Default Assertiveness Thread

Based off of my other thread where I needed support, I thought it might be nice to have a thread where people can share their experiences, struggles, and triumphs in being assertive, and talk about anything related to the subject!!!

I'm very interested in this subject matter and am currently working on my own assertiveness as well as wanting to learn how to be more effective interpersonally.
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Old 03-14-2018, 08:25 PM   #2
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Today I did something I am really proud of. I voiced a complaint to a worker of mine about something in the program I'm in that I'm not happy about (It includes her). I'm really quite bothered by it, and affected by it. I kept my cool. I left her a voice message. I did not yell or swear or say mean things. I was not passive and I did not make my tone passive. I did not say "ok, have a good day," at the end. I just said "please call me" and "Bye." Its a good feeling.
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Old 03-14-2018, 08:55 PM   #3
Sassandclass
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Default Re: Assertiveness Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by starrysky View Post
Based off of my other thread where I needed support, I thought it might be nice to have a thread where people can share their experiences, struggles, and triumphs in being assertive, and talk about anything related to the subject!!!



I'm very interested in this subject matter and am currently working on my own assertiveness as well as wanting to learn how to be more effective interpersonally.


I’m so happy you started this thread!! Thank you! Im very interested in this too. I’ve taken an assertiveness training course and I also am reading a book called “Assertiveness Training Workbook” which I highly recommend.
I can’t wait to read more about this on this post
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Old 03-15-2018, 01:29 AM   #4
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In my case, I got sick of being pushed around so I've turned into a "speak my mind" sort of person and tend not to care if it alienates someone because "if they really care then they'll care about my needs too". I try my best to be respectful, but when people are being buttheads I don't mind being more coarse with those folk.

I do have a much harder time being assertive IRL though. For example, I work in home health care currently and the company I'm with now has been absolutely horrible. I'm losing a client partially because of their lack of communication, but also because of them not firing one of the girls who by definition verbally abused the client and the client's daughter is rightfully upset about her still being here, so is switching companies. Lately I have been very short with this person. It's very hard for me not to just tell her exactly what I think of her, but I know it would be crossing a line if I did. She and another also constantly make mistakes, both big and small, and I've only confronted them once each on them and one stopped but this chick who is making us lose the client hasn't. Thing is, most companies take care of complaints caregivers have about other caregivers, and especially in the case of abuse. This company couldn't give a flying eff, so if I see a problem that needs solved I have to do the confronting myself and that has been very hard for me.

I've also had problems in relationships (both friends and more than so) being too assertive or not assertive enough.
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Old 04-08-2018, 10:46 PM   #5
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Still plugging away at assertiveness, here! Does anybody apologize for things they have said that have not been helpful to others / may have even been unhelpful for others or harmful? I'm pretty big into taking personal responsibility for my own actions. If I have a friendship, relationship of any kind, I like to make things better always. I find that ownership of one's own behavior is actually a very empowering thing. It doesn't always work with everyone though. For instance, if I'm talking to someone who likes to blame the other person always and only, and doesn't own their part, that's hard.
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Old 06-13-2018, 03:48 AM   #6
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Default Re: Assertiveness Thread

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Originally Posted by Anonymous50909 View Post
Still plugging away at assertiveness, here! Does anybody apologize for things they have said that have not been helpful to others / may have even been unhelpful for others or harmful? I'm pretty big into taking personal responsibility for my own actions. If I have a friendship, relationship of any kind, I like to make things better always. I find that ownership of one's own behavior is actually a very empowering thing. It doesn't always work with everyone though. For instance, if I'm talking to someone who likes to blame the other person always and only, and doesn't own their part, that's hard.
Hey, yes I have been thinking a lot about this topic too.
I have a tendency to be very accommodating with others and constantly worried that I might hurt/offend others and therefore I apologize a lot.

An old colleague of mine used to tell me that I should stop apologizing for everything, or else people will step all over me. He was right, at least in part.
This tendency to always be extremely careful with how I interact with others does indeed make me anxious, as I have to plan what I say or do with others a lot. All too often, some others will just be quicker than me at talking or making decisions and I will find myself just being passive or left behind even when I deeply disagree with the principles behind the decision. I think I often even give up thinking of what I want in order not to be disappointed later.
I even have had several situations where people with narcissistic traits have taken my tendency to apologize as a tool to blame me for everything, including their problems, to the extent that they would blame me of deliberately hurting them (me??????????? yet I believed it lol). These situations are really hard for me to deal with.

I also often find myself listening FOR HOURS to completely random people who decide I should listen to all their problems and do not seem to care how I feel or whether I have something to do. Like, really random people: the guy I'm renting a car from, the bank employee, the neighbour, the person sitting next to me in a plane etc. In this kind of situations I start by truly caring and wanting to listen until I realize I do not know these people and I would much rather have more time for myself. But, because of lack of assertiveness, by then I am normally "trapped" and will have to listen to the full story.

On the other hand my ability to empathize (and at times overempathize) does strengthen good relationships with some people. Few but good. Both personal and work relationships. I also think I do not want to give this up, I still think that caring is a good thing and that I really would like a world where more people care.

Being able to set a limit sometimes would be good though. Basically, we need to remember that a) just because someone is blaming us, it doesn't always mean that it is our fault b) sometimes we just have to put our own needs first. The trouble is, remembering that we have such needs and that they really are necessary for us to feel good. Feeling good is not a luxury, it is something we have the right to defend.
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