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Old 04-27-2017, 11:01 AM   #1
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mulan Is paradoxical
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Default There isn't any place for me

Not in life, not in the disease...
What I have goes beyond labels. I am writing here this time because I feel I need to share and I feel I need to hide. I am embarassed of myself, of my fear, of my behaviours and my decisions. If I ever had a true friend in my life I would turn their lifes in to a mess, because that is what I am. I can putt anyone off, I push people away from me as I am.

I could write anywhere else, but I feel embarassed about what people who had see my posts and already know a bit of my story will think. I feel embarassed of who I am, I can read criticism and disaproval in people's words and faces all the time. I can't trust anyone, it's beyond me, and I feel alone. People think I don't like them and that I am weird, but if I explained this to them they would find me even more weird. And I wouldn't be able to look at them again in shame.

There was this person that wanted to hang out with me, just the two. But I have to complicate every thing in my mind, I wanted and I didn't because is always awful. I made up a lot of scenarios in my mind for such a small simple thing. Because of my vague and sparse answears (online messages) he deduced I didn't want to go out, that probably I was trying to avoid him, whatever. Nothing is going to happen now, and it makes me feel safe, but at the same time I made such a fool of myself. He is a nice person, not threatening, but even so I was stressed.

So he must think I don't like him as a person or that I am very weird, or both. And I am mad at me.
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Old 04-27-2017, 07:40 PM   #2
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Unhappy Re: There isn't any place for me

There isn't any place for me
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Old 01-24-2018, 05:47 AM   #3
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Default Re: There isn't any place for me

Hi mulan. I can see you posted this months ago, but just wanted to say I can relate to every word as if I was the one saying them, thank you. There's a certain comfort in knowing I'm not alone but, as you know, you still have to face each day and...the people [oh, dear]. I blew it with my last real life friend as well - it's been a real learning curve. A very, very long learning curve that's still curving up and up and around - I can't see the end of it. I'm not the full quid. Just feeling really empty today, disillusioned, but I know the hope will return once my emotions settle a bit more. Just want you to know you're not alone as well.
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Old 04-21-2018, 06:09 PM   #4
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Hi Mulon, I second what mote of soul wrote. You sharing made me realize Iím not alone. These fears, this thinking that many people interpret as selfish- are not. Also, it is social anxiety that makes us think people dislike us and that we have ruined things with them. Itís a constant battle for me, a muscle I will always have to exercise to keep strong.. Although it can make me sound insecure i have started investigating these feelings more by asking the person or people of the matter in question. Most of the time Iíve realized they have moved on and are surprised to find out that I was still thinking (obsessing) about something little they often donít even recall. ❤️
Bipolar, ADHD, Social Anxiety
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