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Old 09-14-2018, 04:08 AM   #1
randomer123
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Default Accepting sleep deprivation as my normal state

I have no choice but to accept sleep deprivation as my normal state now. I'm just not allowed to sleep. That is something for other people that deserve it. I have almost forgotton what it's like to have a normal healthy sleeping pattern and wake up early feeling refreshed with enough energy to do whatever I have to do, especially going out anywhere. I feel tired and lethargic all of the time now. I've lost interest in most things and just don't care anymore because I simply do not have the energy to do anything, including care. All I really do now is read books and look at stuff online, and sometimes I don't even have the energy to do that!

At the beginning of the year the jobcentre sent me to a course, the first week was OK because it seemed to be quiet every night that week. But then at the beginning of the second week it was noisy most of the night, didn't go quiet until 3am. I had to get up at 5.30 to get ready to catch the bus (I had to get an earlier one because the next one I know is always late because the traffic is so bad at that time of the morning). So I was in a terrible state that day after only 2 and a half hours of sleep, I sat there yawning my head off and then the tutor asked me to step outside the classroom. She asked me what was wrong because she thought I was crying. My eyes were watering by trying to keep them open to write on the worksheets.

I knew from past experience that it's a bad idea to bring these problems to anything related to the jobcentre, so I told her nothing was wrong I was just tired (and obviously I was tired so that wasn't even a lie). It happened again a few times (once or twice a week) but I just got up later and did only the bare minimum to get ready in time. No breakfast, had to eat a cereal bar on the bus on the way there, no make up etc but I put it on in the toilets in the shopping centre once I got there, because I had enough spare time. But that's definitely not the first time people have noticed my sleep deprivation.

Now if I'm lucky enough to have a full night of sleep, I can tell the difference. I do feel better if I've had 6-8 hours than if I have just had 3-4 hours. If I've had less sleep, I am barely functional the next day and get up late on top of that, which causes a lot of stress because I live on my own and there's always housework and chores to do as well as jobsearch, making meals, eating, washing etc. If I've had more sleep I can do more, I get up earlier and feel more organised. But there is always a background level of lethargy now because these full nights of sleep only happen 3 or 4 nights a week, if even that. Also I have read that sleep deprivation causes irreversable brain damage as brain cells die off, and this is obviously now what is happening to me, though it seems to be in early stages. At this stage:

I am very slow, with everything
Reaction times are terrible
I take ages to do even the simplest things
All problems are 10x worse than they are for me because it takes so much energy to work out solutions
I get confused very easily
When people talk to me, I take a while to respond because I have to process what they have said and form a response, which take a awhile
Takes ages to write things like this, having to go back and correct typos, and just trying to make sense!
I find it very hard to concentrate too, my mind sometimes goes blank or I daydream
I get stressed very easily and find it hard to cope

All of this makes general day to day things a lot harder than they should be, harder than they were. When I think back to what I was like even 6-8 years ago, I can't help but wish I could go back there! Back then things were a lot easier. I hadn't been here so long and the sleep deprivation hadn't damaged me so much then (it seemed to take a while). And at one point even the horrible things that are upstairs now, seemed to go to sleep at night (or they were out at the pub and I never heard them come back) but that only lasted 3 months then they went back to normal.

These are the worst that have been here, the noisiest. At least with the others they either worked (or went somewhere all day) so they slept at night most nights and only stayed up and made noise some nights. Or they mostly made noise through the day and less at night. These (I say "these" because I'm not really sure how many actually live there, its hard to tell) don't have any sort of sleep pattern at all. Sometimes they must sleep at night (but late, like midnight) but most of the time they stay up at night and sleep a few hours here and there through the day. When I have seen her she is mostly in pjs, dressing gown or underwear (I am not even joking about that last one). Sometimes theres various men there too. I don't know if they sleep at the same time, and sometimes some of them go away. But it seems whoevers there sleeps for and hour or 2 then get up and bang around for an hour or 2 then sleep again for and hour or 2. But mostly, they sleep in the day, and stay up msot of the night. When I have to go out the next day it's nearly always noisy the night the night before, which makes it harder.

A few weeks ago I almost got sent to a work experience thing, but for some reason I didn't. I think they forgot and I didn't want to ask. I was dreading it, really didn't want to go because it was somewhere that takes an hour to get to (on the bus) but I would have had to probably get the earlier one which comes here at 6.50 (it only comes once an hour). Which means I'd have to go out at about 6.40 or earlier. Impossible, when I am awake all night and usually goes quiet around 3. And I would have had to do this every day and somehow try to not look like I'm crying.

In fact if I had had to do it I wonder if I would have survived. I was lucky to survive the one at the beginning of the year, though that was only 3 weeks (and I got lucky on the first week with no noise so I didn't feel so bad). See, about a year ago I had to walk to the shops here after a night of only 3 hours of sleep. When I went to cross a road, I almost got knocked down because I didn't realise the car was moving or so close. It was going quite slow and slowed down more but I jumped and stumbled across the road. I managed to stay upright across the road but then fell over on the pavement at the other side, scraping my habnds, which hurt a lot, but no blood so I carried on. If this had happened on a busier road like the main road, well I don't think I have to explain.

I know there is nothing I can do about this because moving is not an option. Yes, everyone just says "move" but that requires somewhere to move to, I am unemployed and have to get by on jobseekers allowance which only really covers food and bills. I can only be in a council flat because that's all you can get on jobseekers, nobody else (private landlords/companies) wants "dole scum" and of course the rent is a lot more, and housing benefit wouldn't cover it (it covers council rent only). Moving is not an option. And there is nothing else, earplugs, white noise etc do not block out the banging noises at all, and they only muffles some of the screaming and other noises. I have to use this through the day but it's impossible to sleep.

I just wanted to write this to get it out somewhere. As nobody will listen to me.
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Old 09-15-2018, 05:15 PM   #2
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Default Re: Accepting sleep deprivation as my normal state

Sounds like you have some environmental barriers to a good night's sleep (the noisy upstairs neighbors) as well as stress from your long commute to your work center (sounds like the U.S. equivalent of Workforce Centers or Temp Agencies).

First, complain to your landlord about your upstairs noisy neighbors. Hopefully they will be more considerate. If not, invest your money in some well-functioning ear plugs. Or...if you can afford to do it, move out to another apartment at another location.

Then, work on lowing your stress (cortisol) levels. Walk every day even if its just for ten minutes. Do something every day at the same time that relaxes you.

Also, stop eating dinner at least 3 hours before bedtime. No snacks, no alcohol, just decaf tea and water. This will make it easier for you to sleep (no acid reflux when you lay on your side, and no food for your body to work hard to digest which is what will keep you awake).

Force yourself to go to bed at the same time every night. Create a routine and follow it. Wake up at the same time every morning, even if you have a different schedule of what you're doing every day. You have to train your body clock to get drowsy and to wake up.

If you need a sleep aid, try Melatonin or Magnesium. Stay away from actual sleeping pills because those will prevent you from getting deep sleep; studies have shown that sleeping pills disrupt the body's sleep cycle - stage 3-4 sleep which is Delta sleep, the deepest sleep right before R.E.M. sleep which is the last stage where you dream right before you wake up.

It took me 3 weeks to retrain my body clock to fall asleep. I accidentally broke my sleep cycle last night, staying out late. Now, I will need another 4 or 5 days to reset it again. Having screwed up my sleep cycle a LOT over the years, I know that now it takes my body naturally about 5 days before it will reset again.

Hope you can figure out a safe way to get back to sleep again.
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Old 09-15-2018, 07:39 PM   #3
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Default Re: Accepting sleep deprivation as my normal state

Streetcar is 100% right. If you look upkeep hygiene on the internet you will find lots of tips for a better night's sleep. If it keeps you functioning better something g for sleep is not a terrible idea, but I would try all of the above suggestions first.
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Old 09-18-2018, 03:06 AM   #4
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Default Re: Accepting sleep deprivation as my normal state

Quote:
Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
Sounds like you have some environmental barriers to a good night's sleep (the noisy upstairs neighbors) as well as stress from your long commute to your work center (sounds like the U.S. equivalent of Workforce Centers or Temp Agencies).

First, complain to your landlord about your upstairs noisy neighbors. Hopefully they will be more considerate. If not, invest your money in some well-functioning ear plugs. Or...if you can afford to do it, move out to another apartment at another location.

Then, work on lowing your stress (cortisol) levels. Walk every day even if its just for ten minutes. Do something every day at the same time that relaxes you.

Also, stop eating dinner at least 3 hours before bedtime. No snacks, no alcohol, just decaf tea and water. This will make it easier for you to sleep (no acid reflux when you lay on your side, and no food for your body to work hard to digest which is what will keep you awake).

Force yourself to go to bed at the same time every night. Create a routine and follow it. Wake up at the same time every morning, even if you have a different schedule of what you're doing every day. You have to train your body clock to get drowsy and to wake up.

If you need a sleep aid, try Melatonin or Magnesium. Stay away from actual sleeping pills because those will prevent you from getting deep sleep; studies have shown that sleeping pills disrupt the body's sleep cycle - stage 3-4 sleep which is Delta sleep, the deepest sleep right before R.E.M. sleep which is the last stage where you dream right before you wake up.

It took me 3 weeks to retrain my body clock to fall asleep. I accidentally broke my sleep cycle last night, staying out late. Now, I will need another 4 or 5 days to reset it again. Having screwed up my sleep cycle a LOT over the years, I know that now it takes my body naturally about 5 days before it will reset again.

Hope you can figure out a safe way to get back to sleep again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejay14 View Post
Streetcar is 100% right. If you look upkeep hygiene on the internet you will find lots of tips for a better night's sleep. If it keeps you functioning better something g for sleep is not a terrible idea, but I would try all of the above suggestions first.
First of all, as I said moving is not an option. And I have told the council and they said they weren't doing anything wrong and that I have to be more tolerant of people.

I have no actual problems falling asleep myself. I've always been able to fall asleep straight away until this started. And Some nights like last night, it was quiet and I fell asleep as soon as I lay down. The thing that is keeping me awake is the noise, and sometimes assuming that going to bed is a waste of time because they will come back.

Now that it's getting colder and darker, it's just too cold to stay up until 2am. Also I can barely keep my eyes open or even focus on whatever I'm doing, so it's pointless to stay up. So I've been going to bed at normal time and if its noisy then I just lie there and daydream and try to ignore the noise (which is really hard when there's a huge thud that makes me jump).

But I feel like the damage is done now and I have to accept it and deal with it, and not keep longing for the past where I was allowed to sleep and be healthy. Where I actually felt awake through the day. In my teens and early 20s I played a lot of video games, which requires good reaction times, and I easily finished most games. I can't imagine doing that now, I'd be dead before I knew what was happening, far too slow. It's just so hard to deteriorate like this.
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