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Old 01-05-2018, 06:10 AM   #11
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I loved the affection and in my original post i said he tries hard to please me. That's far from true actually. I go too far to please him. Just last night I'm making supper and as usual he has to say I'm not doing things right and takes over. I've explained to him that I like to cook for him but if it isn't done his way he doesn't appreciate my efforts. He isn't even friendly and became controlling this past year. If I can't please him either, then what the he'll am I staying with him for? Hugs are just hugs. Sex is just sex. We haven't really bonded much. The only thing we have in common is our love of music and he helped me learn the guitar.
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Old 01-05-2018, 10:01 AM   #12
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I think youíve answered your own question as to staying with this person or not. It sounds like youíre reflecting on the amount of energy youíve put in & are ready to turn that supply off.
Sometimes our biggest decisions is whether to try & try or stop. After that decision youíll move on again.

If he is not putting any effort into satisfying you sexually, trying....& you havenít had an orgasm for 2 yrs....& youíre not sworn to this person or have children with them....ill live vicariously thru you & get my walking shoes.
Wish u the best outcome!
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Old 01-12-2018, 10:14 PM   #13
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I don't think too many women would want this guy. So you probably don't face much competition for his attention - what little he offers to anyone. Maybe that makes you feel more secure, in that he's probably not likely to hook up with someone else. If he does wander, it probably won't be for long. His requirement to see a woman seems to be that she expect next to nothing from him.

Beware of setting up "false equivalencies" - as in: you're both "dysfunctional." That sounds like he and you each have your faults, and you tolerate each other, so isn't that a case of mutual give and take? I think that's you trying to put a good face on things. It sounds a lot less balanced to me than that. Dysfunctional is this vague, fuzzy abstract word that can mean who knows what. I have no idea what anyone means when they describe someone as dysfunctional. I can describe anyone I know well with just the words I knew when I was ten years old: kind, cruel, generous, cheap, mean, nice, honest, sneaky. Watch out for those cerebral concepts we use when we are over-intellectualizing what we are talking about. You've described him as being a stingy cheapskate. That's not dysfunctional. If a person wants to hold on to his money, being a selfish miser can be a highly functional way of acheiving that. Stick to plain talk and avoid the psych-babble. You'll be less confused.

You are warm and giving. You want to love someone. He is cold and greedy. He wants an occasional screw. I see no equivalency there. I'll bet he has never introduced you to anyone as his "girlfriend." I'll bet he does not think of himself as your "boyfriend." Your a woman he has sex with now and then. And he'll eat food you cook, now and then. (But he makes you pay for anything you consume when you're with him.) That's not a boyfriend. That's not even a "friend with benefits." That's not a friend.

You want so bad to give your heart to someone. You are generous and forgiving enough to see the humanity in just about anyone. So this guy has filled a void and has become "The Man I Love." But there is nothing about him that you love. But he is The Man In Your Life. And that seems important for I know not what reason why. He's bossy and that is something you respond to. He kind of assumes authority in some weird way, and that seems manly, maybe - IDK.

This thread mentions two men. What you do about one doesn't have to determine what you do about the other. You are single and free. Date both, if you feel like it. If someone offers you friendship and he's nice, take that friendship. You could use a friend.
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Old 01-12-2018, 10:35 PM   #14
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This is exactly what I've been thinking about all day today. Yes, the bossy authority is in a weird way attractive sometimes. Maybe because my dad took so much negative comments from my mom, I veiwed him as weaker than her, and yet he'd lose his temper only occasionally with her. He kept trying to win her love, his whole life. I don't think she ever loved my dad. She's talked to me about a rich man in holland she could have married. I thought my dad never knew, but he told me a while back that he did know. He could never measure up to her expectations. He was kind, with dry humor. He never hit me. He tried once. He was so messed up I don't blame him for anything. My mom was depressed and angry, and wished my dad would discipline us, but she was the abuser and negligent. I guess I learned to hate myself from her depression and neglection and abuse.

No, I don't think I love this man. He is cold, stingy, and just told me tonight that what turns him on the most is my boobs, face, and telling me "I want to f*** you".
That's not love either. I'm planning on ending this. Will I? I hope so.

Thanks for everything. He wasn't even jealous or disturbed when I explained this man bought me roses and is open to friendship with me.

I'm tired. Thanks for seeing this thread. I am free, I just feel trapped but as you said, I'm not.
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Old 01-12-2018, 11:47 PM   #15
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I'll bet there is an interesting set of stories behind how your folks got through their lives. Think about what Europe was like when your mother lived there. Was it before WWII . . . during . . . after? Holland went through some rough stuff. (I'm not too up on history, but where in Europe did people not go through tramatic upheaval?) Figure out what years your mom lived there and, then, google up some back story. Whether from an affluent or a lower class family, there would have been challenges . . . perhaps losses . . . perhaps pressures. Imagine what her story might have been, in that context.

You have an appreciation for the inherent humanity of all persons whom you know. That speaks of the depth of your soul. You have spoken with warmth of parents who gave you no easy time growing up. You don't look at people simplistically. That can be a gift and a virtue. It can also lead to confusion. There is such a thing as being excessively tolerant, which is how I would describe you. But you can use that gift for looking into people to gain insight into how your parents' personalities were formed. Life starts to make more sense when you grasp how people get to be how they are. I'm not a big believer in the idea that we are born wired a certain way. To some extent, yes. But social influences fascinate me, and - I believe - explain most of why people are as they are.

Know you are free, as you say, . . . and nevermind going around being excessively honest with everyone. Honesty is a virtue, but having appropriate barriers means not telling your business overly much. Your new friendship doesn't have to be scrupulously reported to Mr. Cheapskate. You told him enough . . . . and he didn't even care. You don't want to hurt the new guy, and that was honorable, but you don't have to pledge him your heart prior to dating him. It's supposed to be the other way around.

Let us know how things go.
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Old 01-14-2018, 09:31 AM   #16
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As my parents got older I tried to understand their lives more. Not to probe into private things, but my mother told me of certain specific things that obviously affected her very much. She grew up, during WW2, her father was in a concentration camp for 6 months, for protecting a Jew. She was the eldest of 5, having too much responsibility. She went through trauma of a different kind. Back then, the parents encouraged her to be very "clean', her father was a very strict religious man, had his own brethren group. She was told by an aunt of hers, that she should have been nicer to a man that chased her. From her story, I could tell she could have been raped but was smart enough to run away. But the idea was to land "a rich man".

My father, was traumatized at a very young age. Saw german soldiers shoot two men. Had no father himself, was taken into a foster home. The woman he referred to as his mamma, died when he was young. I feel he was somewhat used by my mothers father. He was barely 18, came to Canada by himself,with about 30$ in his pocket, but moms father kept in contact with my dad. He took low paying farming jobs, increased his english comprehension, and found a home for my moms entire family and then my mother came to live with all her family on a farm near where I was raised. He had too much responsibility, but he had my admiration for accomplishing everything he did. My mother became jealous I suspect, as my father could make me happy. He'd play little games with me, and tickled me. That last tickle was the last time he went near me. My mother said "STOP IT (insert name)!" and I was never allowed to go to the barn where I'd rather be to help with chores.

Ok, I just wanted to let you know that I watched everything going on in my family as a child and it did affect me deeply. My mother viewed everyone as "dirty".... I know the problems she must have had.

I broke up and left early from my bf's last night. I put enough effort into things to know I will never please him. He snapped at me for taking 2 beers, then said "i don't care about the beer".... but became explosive over many things. Obviously I don't want to be in that situation anymore, where he could become even worse than this. I have a reasonable mind, I can know whats right, wrong, explain in simple terms what is wrong with myself, and understand my bf's perspective. But his is clouded because of an addiction or two, his view of women in general. I am determined to stay away from him.

Not because I have a new man friend, but because my health, and my son, are priorities to me. I admit I was selfish in the last 2 years. But, it was a self preservation thing.

I finally had a car of my own, love to drive, and loved the affection. It came at a huge price, I know. I believe my two sons will also know I've made the right decision. I understand how they watch everything parents do. I've shown bad decision making.

I should just have taken your advice a year or so ago Rose, to stay away from dating for a year. I may actually do that. Thank you all here.
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Old 01-14-2018, 05:59 PM   #17
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That's quite a history your parents came through. Your life has been affected by things that happened in Europe way back. I think we are all the products of family stories that reflect larger historical contexts. I'm not surprised that you paid attention and became aware of hard things your folks endured. Baggage gets passed down through generations like a legacy. I think it's good to try and understand how people are shaped. I've read that there is a French proverb: "To know all is to forgive all." That doesn't mean, BTW, that all should be tolerated. Wisdom, I think, is to reject bad behavior, without needing to hate the person doing the behavior.

I don't know what made this guy you've been seeing the warped person he's become. I'm sure there's a long story there, but you needn't devote your life to analyzing his "dysfunctionality." That's kind of his problem. He sounds like a bitter guy. You aren't a bitter person . . . I think because you try to understand. You don't need to be the dumping ground for other people's bitterness. He keeps drinking the poisonous part of his legacy. Let him keep company with a kindred spirit. You won't change him. His presence in your life just infects your life with his pathology. Walk away. You're not the same.

I'm glad you left early last night. You will never please him, as you say. He can't be pleased. That's the way he wants it. It may be that addictions are symptoms of whatever poisoned him, not the cause. But those addictions are his way of reliving the toxicity he probably grew up with. He has zero interest in being any little bit different. You can make a different choice. I don't believe he offered you affection. It's just that, when you are lonely, a warm body feels warm.

Loneliness has to be endured, sometimes, to get where you need to go. Refusal to put up with being alone gets more people in more trouble than just about anything else. It's normal to not like being alone. It's not normal to pay any price to avoid it. That's how you get cheated.

Slow down. Stop jumping with both feet into commitments to men before you know who they are. Knowing people takes time. Slow down.
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Old 01-15-2018, 09:18 AM   #18
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Just going back a bit, to say, yes I know there are women who would want him. More likely someone who likes the same addiction as him, but he did have offers before me. He can be very kind, but also forgetful and the biggest problem I have, is he always thinks of himself first. He's extremely selfish. I noticed almost right into the beginning of our relationship, that he expects things to go his way. He was on the phone on speaker with his daughter, a few days before Christmas. He invited HIMSELF over, said "I'm comving over Chris Eve", she said twice "SO expect you Christmas morning".....and he repeated almost frustrating and angrily, "NO , Christmas Eve" I don't think she wanted him over for that long.
Another time he was on speaker phone with his only friend, and just came out and said "YOU get the coffee, I'm broke". I'm thinking, omg, he just said he's broke for COFFEE, that only costs 3 dollars maybe? TO a guy he's lucky to see because this guy works full time.
I know I should walk away. I know I do need to slow down. The problem with my new friend is he is sneakily suggesting sex, hinting at things. I just said I'm not ready for that, and he texted "LOL". that's it. MEN, I'm starting to not like or trust them.
I'm slowing down, I have time, and things should be going on MY terms for a change.
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Old 01-15-2018, 02:55 PM   #19
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Don't make what you do about one man be conditioned on what's going on with another man. Pretty much all guys going on these Internet dating sites are looking for sex that will happen pretty quickly. You seem to be thinking, "I might as well keep the old guy because the new guy may not be much better." You know you could walk away from both of them. That doesn't seem to be a viable option for you. You're not willing to tolerate having no guy. I don't think Internet dating is working for you at all. But it does produce a succession of guys, so you are not going to give it up. There is always a new guy just a few clicks away. You need to get out of your home and be involved in the world around you in some constructive way. Finding love cannot be reduced to online shopping. But it just seems so convenient.

The roses seemed sweet. But if the guy is looking for quick sex, twenty bucks for flowers is a pretty cheap way to get it. In a way, the men are more realistic than you are. They're just looking for sex. You expect a few clicks on a keyboard to bring you Love. Put down the laptop, or smart phone, and go be a contributing part of your surrounding community.
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Old 01-15-2018, 04:57 PM   #20
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I'm not saying men are all the same or thinking because this guy hints of sex that I'd want that. I'm not desperate, but sure, I'm missing my bf.
2 years is a long time and there's more to him than just his faults.
I'm not dumber than men. I know what they want. This wasn't meeting on a dating site, he lives in my town, this new man. I'm not expecting a few clicks on a keyboard to bring me love.
He's open to friendship, this new guy. What's wrong with that. I stated clearly I'm not looking for sex, I think he's smart enough to get that one.
I'm interested in him for other reasons. He's smart. He owns his own house, has an actual social life. My ex or what he turns to be an ex or whatever, had none of that. I'm not materialistic but becoming more realistic about the future and what examples I make of myself. I'm not wanting my son to think I'm some fleusy looking for sex, I never was.
I won't date both, and YES, I actually can live without a "man in my life". My son is and always was a priority. I don't just walk the walk, and talk the talk.
I called the soup kitchen and got myself a place to volunteer one day a week. That's a good start.
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