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Unread 08-12-2017, 11:32 PM   #1
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Default Dealing With Mother Who Threatened To Disown Me For Being Gay... Then Backtracked

For a long time, I didn't get along with my family, but for the entire time until I was 16 or so everything was totally fine, great even. Since then, they have been highly critical, volatile, and just generally negative people a lot of the time. Not always, but it seemed like this a lot. Sometimes, they'd be great to spend time with. I also was very close to them and trusted them a lot as a kid. Then, for a while, they started to seem okay in more recent years and it seemed like that period of issues was behind me. As a kid, they seemed totally okay to me. Frankly, we were very close when I was a kid. Never did I feel like they were negative or frightening people then per say. I genuinely had trust, a strong sense of trust. Then, finally in recent times, they started seeming fine again. So, I began to trust yet again.... prematurely most likely.

Basically, in short, my Mom is a homophobe and just generally very strongly against anyone who "goes against the grain" in any way. Basically, just any stigmatized group is automatically "bad" in her eyes..... and her kids are just like pawns on a chess board. If they do what she likes, she'll come around them and be all in support of them as she was with me for much of my life. If they aren't though, she really doesn't care and will make fun of them behind their back and even has been known to encourage others in the family to make fun of them.

A common past-time of theirs always has been to secretly make fun of gays, minorities, and other people that they discriminate against behind their backs.... just strangers, and they'd just sit in the car doing this as I was there. No one ever saw them doing it as they'd just sit in the car laughing and making jokes about the person. They would insist that they weren't really racist or anything and didn't really mean this. Somehow, despite doing this, both of them did have some friends of other races very close friends actually not sure about gay people though. They did say that they did, but I don't know. Either way though, the whole thing just seemed really ****ed up. However, when I called them on it, they ultimately stopped doing this.

However, she always seemed very deeply attached to me in every way. In fact, we have spent a lot of time together and still have been in recent times. While I'm living with them, I plan to move out very soon due to the circumstances here. Still, she currently is trying to act like she's my friend when clearly that is anything but the case, unless she's had a genuine change of heart...... which I doubt she has.

I didn't realize just how ****ed up and heartless she is until relatively recently and even more so until I ended up coming out as gay to her. Although, during arguments she has threatened to abandon me numerous times and used it as a means of controlling me for a lot of my life. After I came out, she first pretended to be "accepting" because apparently she didn't believe me. When she did believe me, she just acted all uncertain about whether she'd talk to me if I "chose to live this alternative lifestyle".... and was saying that I was "making her life difficult by saying this to her".

Then, the next day and in days after she seemed to say that "she always wanted to stay in touch with me" and that she "wanted the best for me whatever that is". However, she kept saying, "I don't even necessarily think it's true." So, in response..... and part of me thinking that she'd just finally kick me out for once and disown me (just anything to get this abuse out of my life). So, I said to her, "Look, you don't know what kind of experiences I had when I was away at college and you never will know". I didn't say much, and honestly I've only been with a guy once while very, very drunk and don't remember much of it just kinda remember doing some stuff.

I was thinking she'd be disgusted and angry and probably just kick me out of the house and never speak to me again. However, she didn't. She just says to me that she "just wants me to live a good life whatever that is" or something of the sort. Then, apparently she tells me to get tested for hiv, which I don't know. Haven't done it yet but probably will since she said it, I didn't think of that to be honest..... though I really didn't know him very well, just an acquaintence before this (afterwards we just kinda awkwardly saw one another once or twice) so when I think about it maybe that is actually a good idea, though I'm pretty sure I'm sure I'm okay.

After that, she has acted all supportive of my life's endeavors and plans. However, she says she "doesn't know how she feels about" this whole thing and feels that I "shouldn't put her on the spot" and doesn't want me to bring it up. After this, we recently had a long conversation about my life's plans and she acted like she had genuine concern. However, hearing the things she said I honestly doubt it. I feel like it's all just an act, just to make sure she doesn't have to deal with me being angry while I'm still here. As soon as I'm gone, she'll just cut all ties with me I think...... even though she always acts all so smiley and pleasant around me, I just don't believe it.

I don't know. I really wish I had a family, but I unfortunately don't really think I do anymore. It's possible that she just said these things then and didn't really mean them, but I don't know...... I sure as hell don't trust her and probably will soon realize that she has been just a phony all along. If she genuinely didn't mean those things and just said it without meaning it.... and genuinely is caring about me and interested in my life like she has seemed to be in the past few days, then she'll have a little bit of a chance to really show that since I'll probably be stuck here for a little while longer. If not though and she really is just going to be the way it's often seeming like to me, then I have no interest in much contact.

Yeah, I get that it's an adjustment especially since I didn't really act gay as a kid or for most of my life..... though I've gotten kind of feminine as I've gotten older. In more recent times, I even do stuff like painting my nails and just generally seeming somewhat feminine in a lot of ways. To be honest, the only reason why I was different before was that I was afraid of dealing with these people and their "reactions" that they always claim they're entitled to despite the effects on me. Still, I do get that it's an adjustment to have me as opposed to the me that they thought I was before but somebody who would say that about not wanting to be involved in my life even if they "retract" it just isn't someone who I can really have any faith in whatsoever.

I don't know, it's weird though that in recent times, my Mom acts all like she cares about me and is always seeming so interested in my life and having a seemingly genuine concern about me though. I just don't get it. She even says that "she knows she's not turning against me" about it and that she "always wants to be part of my life as long as she's around". Then, why did she say those things before? It just doesn't make sense. Now, she seems totally okay, but I don't really fully believe it after what happened before. I just can't, and even if she didn't mean it to even say those things and act like that is just so ****ed up. Now, she acts all okay with me, like she's my friend or something...... but I'm not jumping on that bandwagon.

Last edited by Monkey1111; 08-12-2017 at 11:56 PM.
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Unread 08-15-2017, 05:46 AM   #2
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Default Re: Dealing With Mother Who Threatened To Disown Me For Being Gay... Then Backtracked

I am sorry your family is unsupportive. It sounds like your mother may have narcissistic personality disorder. I think of a narcissistic parent as one who only loves you when you adore them and do their bidding. They want you to be the person they hope your will be (their idea of the perfect child is one whose main purpose in life is to provide them fulfillment by being successful in the way they envision plus be a resource for them to meet their needs). Narcissitic parents have trouble accepting their children as they are and allowing them total free will to explore their own dreams. Your family probably loves you but perhaps the way they love can sometimes be a bit toxic. Being loved by a narcissistic can be a bit confusing. I hope you can sort it all out.
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Unread 08-15-2017, 06:21 AM   #3
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Default Re: Dealing With Mother Who Threatened To Disown Me For Being Gay... Then Backtracked

I think the best way to deal with a narcissistic parent is to still love them but limit your time with them. Refuse to do their bidding unless you really want to (if you no longer live at home). I think people become narcissistic's because they have unfufilled needs and feel insecure--in other words--the love they have received in their lives was also sometimes toxic and confusing. Sometimes narcissistics deserve compassion but they should not rule our lives.
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Unread 08-17-2017, 07:17 AM   #4
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Default Re: Dealing With Mother Who Threatened To Disown Me For Being Gay... Then Backtracked

I relate to you in some ways as in I have problems with my parents (so hard for me to write that!) I get on with them so well but that is only because I don't speak up a lot of the time for my own values and beliefs. I do what I can to please them. Keep secrets.

My dad finds it very hard to accept anything that goes against the grain too just like your mum. He's quite traditional in some ways. He doesn't believe in mental health issues (which has led to me hiding mine and not daring to talk to him about them) he is one of the 'just snap out of it' 'what has (insert name) got to be depressed about? She needs to get on with life!' Kind of people.

He also struggles accepting homosexuality. My sister is gay and I am bisexual although my partner is a man. My sister has almost been totally abandoned by my dad, or she has abandoned him. I'm not 100% sure which way around it is because I don't know exactly what happened. I just know they have a tense and awkward relationship. My dad is angry with her and most of the time they don't speak or see each other. So coming out to him is definitely not an option.

My mum is one of the nicest people in the world. She accepts my mental health problems however is more of a joker about homosexuals etc. She will laugh when she sees two men holding hands or point it out to me like it's something odd or weird, something that shouldn't be done. Whereas I think 'good for them' why shouldn't they hold hands. I feel proud of being part of such a brave community of people.

I think a lot of issues come from our parents and most of the time they don't mean to hurt us. They just almost push their views onto us and don't accept when we make our own. If we spend so much time with them it can be frustrating because you feel like you have to conform to their rules.

I think things will be better for you when you have a bit more control over your living arrangements. With independence you'll be able to live the life you want to and your mum's role in shaping how you live won't be as prominent. You may even get on better with her as hopefully you will be happier and discovering yourself without any limitations or worrying about how she will react, whether she will accept you.

In the mean time it's in your hands how much influence I suppose this has on you. It's your life and you shouldn't have to live inauthentically and not be yourself. It causes loads of issues with self esteem and such, trust me! Like hopingtrying said limiting your time with them can help, build a support network outside of your parents. Do stuff by yourself as well, stuff you really love. Find people who really support you regardless of who you are.

As for the hiv testing. I think everyone who is sexually active should be tested for all infections just make it a yearly thing like you would any other routine appointment at least until you're in a long term relationship and have both been tested! Also be as safe as possible and look after yourself. I don't know where you live but hiv is quite a difficult virus to contract and in most communities isn't very common, so most likely you'll be okay! But I think testing is a good, responsible thing to do!

Good luck
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