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Unread 08-08-2017, 02:53 PM   #1
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Default Fraysexual?

So my husband and I sat down and talked about why he is much less interested in sex and almost cringes away when I try to initiate it and it seems like it is a reluctant chore for him. He said that when he was growing up and first having sexual experiences they were always with what ever easy girl would have him. Not experiences with girlfriend's or women he had any feelings for. And he said he now has an issue where sex and love are completely separate things for him and because he loves me he doesn't want to have sex with me. He really wanted me when we first started seeing each other and as his feelings for me grew his sexual motivation waned. He said he still finds me beautiful and attractive but once it gets to the us actually having sex part he feels not interested. Is there anyway to fix this? He said it is an issue he had prior to me and he thinks he is broken and ****ed up. I feel completely devastated and sexual intimacy and feeling desired by my husband is hugely important to me. Any comments or advice would be appreciate.
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Unread 08-08-2017, 03:49 PM   #2
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Hello Concerned: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find whatever amount of time you spend here to be of benefit.

As far as your husband's situation is concerned, I don't know as there is a lot I can offer with regard to this. This simply sounds like something your husband needs to address in therapy. And later on perhaps some couples counseling for the two of you might be of benefit as well since, while it is primarily his problem, it is having a significant impact on your relationship as well. Perhaps other members will have other suggestions to offer. I wish you well...
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Unread 08-08-2017, 06:20 PM   #3
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Unhappy Re: Fraysexual?

We have been in couples counseling for 2 years. It has been immensely helpful and we are very happy in all other ways but this has come up and our counselor thinks he should find an individual therapist or couples sex therapy. I guess I just wonder if there is anything I can do. I feel really helpless. And I am def internalizing this as a direct rejection of me.





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Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Hello Concerned: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find whatever amount of time you spend here to be of benefit.

As far as your husband's situation is concerned, I don't know as there is a lot I can offer with regard to this. This simply sounds like something your husband needs to address in therapy. And later on perhaps some couples counseling for the two of you might be of benefit as well since, while it is primarily his problem, it is having a significant impact on your relationship as well. Perhaps other members will have other suggestions to offer. I wish you well...
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Unread 10-04-2017, 02:52 PM   #4
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Unhappy Re: Fraysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Concerned8884 View Post
We have been in couples counseling for 2 years. It has been immensely helpful and we are very happy in all other ways but this has come up and our counselor thinks he should find an individual therapist or couples sex therapy. I guess I just wonder if there is anything I can do. I feel really helpless. And I am def internalizing this as a direct rejection of me.
Hi Concerned,

I got here because I have the same problem as your husband, but I am not married yet. Didn't your husband have that problem before you got married? I started having it about one year after I started dating my girlfriend.

I was also wondering why the couples counseling was not able to address that issue with your husband (since I believe the counselor is a psychologist?).

My girlfriend and I love each other but we are not sure if we should get married, because of this problem. We have never tried counseling/therapy... I was hoping to find people on the Internet who have a similar problem and who could give us some hope (if the problem is solvable and if it would take too long).

Thanks
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Unread 10-04-2017, 10:44 PM   #5
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Default Re: Fraysexual?

Madonna/***** complex. NPD thing? I know it has been a problem for me before. I am a loving GF and after awhile, men see me as a madonna/mother figure, instead of a sex partner/*****.

I have tried to tell them I am both, but they weren't able to change their feelings.

Perhaps this is your husband's problem.
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Unread 10-05-2017, 10:54 AM   #6
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Default Re: Fraysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Concerned8884 View Post
We have been in couples counseling for 2 years. It has been immensely helpful and we are very happy in all other ways but this has come up and our counselor thinks he should find an individual therapist or couples sex therapy. I guess I just wonder if there is anything I can do. I feel really helpless. And I am def internalizing this as a direct rejection of me.
I had that problem with my husband and I internalized it and felt ugly, unwanted, not at all sexy. I was devestated. I finally came to accept the fact that it WAS NOT ME. It is totally his issue. He was so afraid he would lose his erection that he was afraid to try. He is overweight and takes tons of blood pressure medicine that causes erectile dysfunction.

We never did resume a sexual relationship. But I'm ok with it now because I don't feel like I'm less of a person. Actually I don't miss it. But I think I had enough sex in my younger days to satisfy 10 people

HOWEVER, you need to get clear in your head whether or not you can live in no sex marriage. If you ultimately decide that you can't do that it doesnt make you a bad person.
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Unread 10-05-2017, 11:09 AM   #7
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Default Re: Fraysexual?

oh boy, I have this issues too. When I meet new people/start dating, I'm somewhat hypersexual (hypomanie often does it's part).
But the more I know people, the less interessted in sex I am. At least with them. Doesn't matter if it's a crush or a loving partner. The more intimate we are on an emotional level, the less desire for sexual intimacy.

I don't remember a time when this was not an issue, but beside trying to figure this out with my T, my partner helps me with the good old "no pressure".
It's really crushing when you are all "what is wrong with me" and your partner pokes you with a stick "is it me? why are you so? do you REALLY don't want to..?"

I think the most important point is that you both are happy with the arrangement. It's okay if you want to have sex in a marriage, but if he doesn't want to, he should not feel pressured to do it. And you should not be condemned to live a sexless live.
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Unread 10-05-2017, 11:16 AM   #8
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Has he had blood work done, specifically his testosterone and other hormone levels checked ? It's always good to find out if that is part of the equation or not
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Unread 10-07-2017, 05:07 PM   #9
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Ooo Re: Fraysexual?

Hi there

I've been researching similar cases and I found one that seems pretty similar to mine, and maybe to yours:

answers.psychcentral.com/RelationshipsandSex/sexless-marriage---long-term-problem/

Unfortunately it doesn't look like the man solved his problem. But it does have some good insights that may help you and your husband (and hopefully myself too).

Hope it helps!
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