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Unread 08-10-2017, 07:05 PM   #11
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Default Re: Suppressed Sexuality

I'm sorry that you're going through this TishaBuv. I'm on the other end of the gender divide but we have waaaay more in common than I thought.
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Unread 08-11-2017, 07:40 AM   #12
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Like a prostitute, I have gotten myself high and fantasized in order to seduce him. Isn't that sad? Now, I just can't stand to do that anymore. Maybe I should just go back to that. I am an old wh*re.
That isn't sad that was a really sweet thing to do. Now it's his turn! Perhaps you can't stand doing it because he is not willing to go to the same lengths you are.

Don't go back to performing in this way until you are feeling love for him emotionally. Divorce is harder for us than people realize. Each of us love our husbands in different ways. They know we are willing to put up with a lot but the minute we start making any serious plans to leave they know exactly which buttons to push in order to woo us back.

This year, my H actually said, "You are never going to leave me--you need me to much." Yes, he has my number figured out! I would not know how to function. It would feel like I felt when I left home after graduating from high school plus I would miss him. We have so much stuff now. When you are 18, everything you have/want fits easily in your car. There is no home to dispose of. We have become accustomed to our daily routine and the division of labor that we have totally worked out.....
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Unread 08-11-2017, 07:59 AM   #13
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Default Re: Suppressed Sexuality

I think I had a totally healthy attitude about married sex. I thought it was supposed to be that each of us were responsible for the other's good sexual experience, and were to meet each other's needs, and feel good. I was totally on board with that.

It was him who was all about deprivation.
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Unread 08-11-2017, 12:56 PM   #14
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The magazines say that we are responsible for our own good sexual experience. Maybe you are leaving too much in his hands, so to speak. He's just the bicycle - you need to know how to ride a bicycle, KWIM?
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Unread 08-12-2017, 08:59 AM   #15
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The magazines say that we are responsible for our own good sexual experience. Maybe you are leaving too much in his hands, so to speak. He's just the bicycle - you need to know how to ride a bicycle, KWIM?
That's the thing. What I need to enjoy my own sexual experience puts it all in my head. If I put it in my own hands (literally) it feels weird sometimes (he's watching me do it). Meh. Sometimes, it's a joint effort and that's fine.

It's where my mind needs to go that upsets me, as he is not the one who engages my mind in the beginning of the act, in the initiation of the act. Does this all come from my early experiences of a rape and low self esteem? Do I have a kinky quirk my h just can't fulfill? Why am I needing to go to another place? Why do I have an out of body experience? Why do I need to get high? I was hurting myself. I think I've done liver damage.
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Unread 08-12-2017, 10:45 AM   #16
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Is this the first time youve mentioned the rape? I dont recall you ever saying anything before. Did you get therapy at the time? Did you talk about it when you were in counseling recently? It kind of explains your drinking (before sex) and your other remarks. Sort of a cavalier attitude. I can identify with that - we're abused, and there is no allowance for our feelings, so we act tough, but are really very fragile. And yeah, how can your husband never have picked up on that? But hes not a shrink.
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Unread 08-12-2017, 01:38 PM   #17
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Is this the first time youve mentioned the rape? I dont recall you ever saying anything before. Did you get therapy at the time? Did you talk about it when you were in counseling recently? It kind of explains your drinking (before sex) and your other remarks. Sort of a cavalier attitude. I can identify with that - we're abused, and there is no allowance for our feelings, so we act tough, but are really very fragile. And yeah, how can your husband never have picked up on that? But hes not a shrink.
I was a rather prude girl, yet still boy crazy. At 16, and a virgin, I went on my first car date with an older brother of an acquaintance from school. She had set up the date, said he liked me having met me once at her house for one minute. I went, not even liking him.

I didn't understand what happened and many years later realized he must have drugged me.

I didn't even tell my mother at the time. I never saw the guy again, never told anyone except my bff.

I didn't think this really even bothered me all lthat much. Frankly, I felt I was glad to be rid of my virginity. Although I was perplexed why I had sex with a guy I had absolutely no attraction and had zero desire to have even a kiss with.

I didn't think about this until I started having real problems with my h and going to counseling.

And the therapists reactions when hearing this story was just to say "I figured so".
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Unread 08-12-2017, 01:41 PM   #18
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Default Re: Suppressed Sexuality

I grew up in a chic place where I knew women who were mistresses and gold diggers. I grew up in a night club where my step dad was the house band. This all made a big impression, too.
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Unread 08-12-2017, 01:58 PM   #19
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Default Re: Suppressed Sexuality

Have you ever had a more feminist, not necessarily female, therapist? Again, your last statement in the longer post seems like youre leaving the subject in their hands. Why are you so passive on your own behalf? I mean, i know why - you need someone in your corner! Thats what i found with my current t. I didnt even know i was lacking it.

Well, i kinda did. I remember telling him when i first started seeing him, that the reason i never pursued a certain career goal was because i never had someone to support me, and i didnt mean financially. But it was still a vague concept to me.

I think i get you about the nightclub. My mother worked as a waitress (clothes on) at a topless place, and she actually brought me in for an interview. I think she was trying to pimp me out. But i was innocent! Idk wtf she was thinking.

You seem to rush through your t experiences, from what ive read here.
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Unread 08-12-2017, 03:25 PM   #20
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Default Re: Suppressed Sexuality

Yes, I do rush through it! I'll blurt out my stuff in t, like I do here, then get a blank stare from the t.

When weird/bad things happened in my life, my mother taught me to just move on like nothing happened. I wasn't allowed to feel.

Yes, some of this struggle with h is about that I am trying to force him to treat me as though I have value and I am allowed to feel.

Thanks, Una!
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