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Unread 08-06-2017, 01:59 PM   #1
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Question How does real, average, normal sexual attraction feel like?

This question might sound weird but the reason for it is quite simple. For the time being, I have "labeled" myself as biromantic asexual and I'm not sure which of my attractions are normal and what strategy should I use to find a long-term partner. Therefore I would really appreciate some descriptions from people experience.

Warning - the text below might contain some sexual triggers.

When you enter a room full of people and look around, how do you know if somebody feels "sexy" for you? Is it some stereotypical looks (hetero men are attracted to women with long legs, bright dress, expressive makeup; hetero women are attracted to confident taller men with well-shaped muscles and low voice) or is your "sexual attractiveness" indicator turned completely off until you actually start talking to somebody and then for some reason feel desire to flirt or notice that the other persone starts flirting? Also, when you get closer with somebody, do you start noticing visual features or smells that you suddenly find sexually attractive, although you did not notice anything special about this person initially?

It would be specially interesting to compare how heterosexual attractions differ from homosexual, if there are any substantial differences besides the obvious gender choice.

To give some context for my questions, I'll try to summarize my "sexuality confusion" facts.

At first, I seem to match almost all the checkpoints of those controversial "same-sex attraction reparative therapies". Quoting an article:

Quote:
Defensive detachment emotionally isolates him from other males and from his own masculinity. Females are familiar. Males are mysterious. The boy feels excluded from male bonding activities, identifies with his mother rather than his father, and inevitably - because opposites attract - becomes sexually attracted to men. But what he is really searching for in gay sex is his own forsaken masculinity.
It's exactly how I have felt since early childhood for many reasons:

- my father, although in general good and helpful person, had serious alcoholism, thus my mother had to become "the leader of the family". This caused my dissatisfaction of my father and I often imagined that I would want to have a different father - big, strong, smart, caring. Sometimes I myself imagined that I would want myself to become such a man. These fantasies were emotionally somewhat painful, but they also caused some other physical feelings which during later years turned into erection. Also, every time my mother was angry at my father when he came home drunk, I was on my mother's side and identified with her feelings.

- I am legally blind since birth. I can read and walk around, and even ride a bicycle, but I can't have a driver's licence. Still, I managed to study programming, get master's degree and job as a software engineer

- I have somewhat weak and undeveloped body, only 173cm and 54kg; and my father is even smaller than me, but at least he has strong muscles - I can't achieve that, I tried and got hiatal hernia instead, my body just seems not to be meant for physical activities despite the fact that I grew up in rural area and tried to help my parents with all the farming and gardening.

- my parents were often at work and I was mostly raised up by my two grandmothers. I rarely saw other males. Only form age 7 I started to play with other kids, but I preferred girls because they seemed more "familiar" and less aggressive (boys often bullied me because of my health)

I'm 37 now and I have never really had sex because sexuality just doesn't feel good to me - it immediately brings associations with my deep dissatisfaction of my own body and craving to be somebody else, to be a "real man", whatever it means. Even when masturbating, although I can keep erection stable for 10 minutes, I never am able to get to orgasm (I tried also various kinds of porn, but it did not help much, so I abandoned it).

I thought that I'm homosexual because my attractions and masturbation fantasies are specifically about men who are much older than me and look smart and caring. It's like yearning for a mentor who would teach me how to be a real men, but for some reason it causes sexual reaction. But even then I do not think about actual sex with them, I just crave to receive emotional and physical acceptance. In my craziest fantasies and dreams I even imagine exchanging bodies with them to become "a real man". These fantasies cause sexual reactions, wet dreams etc.

I have never really felt sexual attraction to someone's body "as such", that is why I consider myself mostly asexual. Also, my homosexual attraction is only narrowed to those kind of men I described; any other person just causes repulsion when trying to think of sex with him/her. I mean I can look at images of naked men and feel nothing, but only when I find that one of them looks like (or actually is) a teacher or professor and only if he is noticeably older than me, then I have sexual reaction, which actually might diminish if I happen to meet this person in real life and find out that he is not quite that "idealized fantasy" I have imagined (maybe he drinks too much or is vulgar - these traits are turn-offs for my sexual reactions).

So for me "sexy" (or as close as possible) means - "does he look and behave like a professor?" Also, everything gets even more complicated by the fact that I'm mostly attracted to heterosexual men because my subconscious has this feeling "he's heterosexual, so he knows the secret of being a real men and how to deal with women". This seems to signal that my chances for long-term relations are dead end in this direction - which heterosexual professor would want to have long term romantic and maybe-sexual relationship with his student? Really highly unlikely.

Now, on the heterosexual side of things. I have met some girls who were physically smaller, but nice and good conversation partners, and they made me feel more "manly", and I liked that. I wished so badly I would have sexual attraction for them but it did not work that way. However, I could feel some sexual reaction if I imagined how I might look from their perspective. But again these reactions were caused by my self-reflection through the eyes of those girls (because they were seeing and accepting me as a man) and not real straight sexual desire for them. So, it's really egocentric here. But I'm not quite sure, how do other heterosexual men feel about this? Are there any men who can have sex with a women not because she's sexually attractive but only when a woman has made the man feel wanted and accepted? Can such sexuality be basis of successful relationship or is it just a sign of narcissism? I'm really curious about this.

A month ago I met an interesting woman online, and somehow soon our conversation got really deep. We have so much in common, we are both introverts, both come from Catholic families but at the same time are pretty open minded; we are both interested in psychology because we had some childhood traumas. She seemed to accept that I have sexual issues. I didn't exactly tell her all the details; I told her only that I seem to be not capable of physical intimacy with women. We then met in real life once. I really liked her, I felt that we are more than just close friends because we have told each other things that we haven't shared with anybody else. She even mentioned that she herself thought about adopting a child and that might be also an option for me. It was told in a way as if she had already imagined us as a couple. But for me, in addition to "sexual incompatibility", additional problem is that she is physically just a tiny bit bigger than me, and also slightly more active and ambitious. With her I don't feel like a man, I feel like being with my mother again, I feel weaker and not worthy for this nice lady. Sher herslef has told me that she would like a man who has strong personality, but not necessarily physical strength. I know that there are some areas where I have strong opinions and we both seem to agree upon it. But I'm afraid that I might develop just an attachment and dependency to her instead of "real love", and that would only make things worse for both of us.

Most probably, this means I should first solve my psychological issues caused by my childhood and disabilities. During psychological therapy I might also experience changes in my sexuality, but I don't put much hopes into it to avoid disappointments later.

So, what do you think? Should I try to overcome my issues and try to make it work with the woman I just met or should I step back and try to find a women with whom I would feel more like a man? Or should I continue to hope to meet that "professor" one day?
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Unread 08-06-2017, 10:48 PM   #2
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Default Re: How does real, average, normal sexual attraction feel like?

Quote:
Originally Posted by martinerous View Post
This question might sound weird but the reason for it is quite simple. For the time being, I have "labeled" myself as biromantic asexual and I'm not sure which of my attractions are normal and what strategy should I use to find a long-term partner. Therefore I would really appreciate some descriptions from people experience.

Warning - the text below might contain some sexual triggers.

When you enter a room full of people and look around, how do you know if somebody feels "sexy" for you? Is it some stereotypical looks (hetero men are attracted to women with long legs, bright dress, expressive makeup; hetero women are attracted to confident taller men with well-shaped muscles and low voice) or is your "sexual attractiveness" indicator turned completely off until you actually start talking to somebody and then for some reason feel desire to flirt or notice that the other persone starts flirting? Also, when you get closer with somebody, do you start noticing visual features or smells that you suddenly find sexually attractive, although you did not notice anything special about this person initially?

It would be specially interesting to compare how heterosexual attractions differ from homosexual, if there are any substantial differences besides the obvious gender choice.

To give some context for my questions, I'll try to summarize my "sexuality confusion" facts.

At first, I seem to match almost all the checkpoints of those controversial "same-sex attraction reparative therapies". Quoting an article:



It's exactly how I have felt since early childhood for many reasons:

- my father, although in general good and helpful person, had serious alcoholism, thus my mother had to become "the leader of the family". This caused my dissatisfaction of my father and I often imagined that I would want to have a different father - big, strong, smart, caring. Sometimes I myself imagined that I would want myself to become such a man. These fantasies were emotionally somewhat painful, but they also caused some other physical feelings which during later years turned into erection. Also, every time my mother was angry at my father when he came home drunk, I was on my mother's side and identified with her feelings.

- I am legally blind since birth. I can read and walk around, and even ride a bicycle, but I can't have a driver's licence. Still, I managed to study programming, get master's degree and job as a software engineer

- I have somewhat weak and undeveloped body, only 173cm and 54kg; and my father is even smaller than me, but at least he has strong muscles - I can't achieve that, I tried and got hiatal hernia instead, my body just seems not to be meant for physical activities despite the fact that I grew up in rural area and tried to help my parents with all the farming and gardening.

- my parents were often at work and I was mostly raised up by my two grandmothers. I rarely saw other males. Only form age 7 I started to play with other kids, but I preferred girls because they seemed more "familiar" and less aggressive (boys often bullied me because of my health)

I'm 37 now and I have never really had sex because sexuality just doesn't feel good to me - it immediately brings associations with my deep dissatisfaction of my own body and craving to be somebody else, to be a "real man", whatever it means. Even when masturbating, although I can keep erection stable for 10 minutes, I never am able to get to orgasm (I tried also various kinds of porn, but it did not help much, so I abandoned it).

I thought that I'm homosexual because my attractions and masturbation fantasies are specifically about men who are much older than me and look smart and caring. It's like yearning for a mentor who would teach me how to be a real men, but for some reason it causes sexual reaction. But even then I do not think about actual sex with them, I just crave to receive emotional and physical acceptance. In my craziest fantasies and dreams I even imagine exchanging bodies with them to become "a real man". These fantasies cause sexual reactions, wet dreams etc.

I have never really felt sexual attraction to someone's body "as such", that is why I consider myself mostly asexual. Also, my homosexual attraction is only narrowed to those kind of men I described; any other person just causes repulsion when trying to think of sex with him/her. I mean I can look at images of naked men and feel nothing, but only when I find that one of them looks like (or actually is) a teacher or professor and only if he is noticeably older than me, then I have sexual reaction, which actually might diminish if I happen to meet this person in real life and find out that he is not quite that "idealized fantasy" I have imagined (maybe he drinks too much or is vulgar - these traits are turn-offs for my sexual reactions).

So for me "sexy" (or as close as possible) means - "does he look and behave like a professor?" Also, everything gets even more complicated by the fact that I'm mostly attracted to heterosexual men because my subconscious has this feeling "he's heterosexual, so he knows the secret of being a real men and how to deal with women". This seems to signal that my chances for long-term relations are dead end in this direction - which heterosexual professor would want to have long term romantic and maybe-sexual relationship with his student? Really highly unlikely.

Now, on the heterosexual side of things. I have met some girls who were physically smaller, but nice and good conversation partners, and they made me feel more "manly", and I liked that. I wished so badly I would have sexual attraction for them but it did not work that way. However, I could feel some sexual reaction if I imagined how I might look from their perspective. But again these reactions were caused by my self-reflection through the eyes of those girls (because they were seeing and accepting me as a man) and not real straight sexual desire for them. So, it's really egocentric here. But I'm not quite sure, how do other heterosexual men feel about this? Are there any men who can have sex with a women not because she's sexually attractive but only when a woman has made the man feel wanted and accepted? Can such sexuality be basis of successful relationship or is it just a sign of narcissism? I'm really curious about this.

A month ago I met an interesting woman online, and somehow soon our conversation got really deep. We have so much in common, we are both introverts, both come from Catholic families but at the same time are pretty open minded; we are both interested in psychology because we had some childhood traumas. She seemed to accept that I have sexual issues. I didn't exactly tell her all the details; I told her only that I seem to be not capable of physical intimacy with women. We then met in real life once. I really liked her, I felt that we are more than just close friends because we have told each other things that we haven't shared with anybody else. She even mentioned that she herself thought about adopting a child and that might be also an option for me. It was told in a way as if she had already imagined us as a couple. But for me, in addition to "sexual incompatibility", additional problem is that she is physically just a tiny bit bigger than me, and also slightly more active and ambitious. With her I don't feel like a man, I feel like being with my mother again, I feel weaker and not worthy for this nice lady. Sher herslef has told me that she would like a man who has strong personality, but not necessarily physical strength. I know that there are some areas where I have strong opinions and we both seem to agree upon it. But I'm afraid that I might develop just an attachment and dependency to her instead of "real love", and that would only make things worse for both of us.

Most probably, this means I should first solve my psychological issues caused by my childhood and disabilities. During psychological therapy I might also experience changes in my sexuality, but I don't put much hopes into it to avoid disappointments later.

So, what do you think? Should I try to overcome my issues and try to make it work with the woman I just met or should I step back and try to find a women with whom I would feel more like a man? Or should I continue to hope to meet that "professor" one day?
only you can say whether you have issues and whether to try to over come them or whether you want to make it work with a woman or not....

what I can tell you is that there is no right or wrong way to feel attracted to someone in a sexual way or not. one person may feel one way while another feels another way. how ever you and your body reacts when you are sexually attracted to someone is right for you, how ever someone else's body and mind reacts when they are sexually attracted to someone is right for them.
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My location's (USA) list of mental disorders (DSM 5)
http://forums.psychcentral.com/other...disorders.html

my locations (USA) Dissociative Disorders diagnostic criteriahttp://forums.psychcentral.com/disso...s-dsm-5-a.html

USA insurance forms sometimes require the ICD codes. it is less detailed and a bit different in wording than the DSM5 but is the same diagnostic criteria http://www.icd10data.com/ICD10CM/Cod...48/F44-/F44.81

Sense of Agency is a new term associated with DID in my location (USA) http://forums.psychcentral.com/disso...se-agency.html

Reality Testing is a new diagnostic criteria for dissociative disorders here in the USA http://forums.psychcentral.com/disso...ml#post5180743

co consciousness https://forums.psychcentral.com/diss...ciousness.html

Revolving door http://forums.psychcentral.com/disso...ving-door.html

Testing procedures in the USA and .......Sample tests (not used for diagnosis purposes).......
https://forums.psychcentral.com/diss...disorders.html
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