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Unread 07-18-2017, 09:28 PM   #1
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Default How do I accept my gender/sex/sexuality?

I know there's several topics in this post, but they all feel interrelated. If anyone has any thoughts on just one aspect, I'd appreciate it.

I've always had a hard time accepting every aspect of my gender and sexuality.

Let's start with my sex: I was born female and I've been treated as lesser and in some cases as subhuman because I had the audacity to be born without a penis. I feel like it's held me back so much. Men often don't even acknowledge my presence. I'm just my significant other's "arm candy" I guess. Not an actual person. And let's just say, obviously I NEVER made a choice to be female. Given a choice I would have been male, just so I could have been born with "person" status. I just cannot accept that I'm female and gag if I have to refer to myself as a "woman". I will however, refer to myself as female, as that denotes that I in fact have a vagina and I can't really deny that.

And that leads to gender identity issues. I can't and will not identify myself as a woman. So I guess the most accurate description is gender fluid? There are times that I feel "male" and just wish I could connect with guys, but I'm female sexed and was socialized as female so there's always this huge disconnect. Which is too bad. If they were more open to the possibility of me having things in common with them, they would realize we might have things in common. Or if given the opportunity, I might enjoy things they like as well. (Duh! Right?)

One thing in common with straight men at least, is that I'm attracted to women as well. Which is hard to accept since I come from such a misogynistic and homophobic background. I feel terrible having sexual thoughts at all, let alone ones towards women. And since I didn't really have the opportunity to have a same sex experience, it's like I'm a hypocrite and a liar. And since I'm in an opposite sex monogamous relationship, I'm again, a hypocrite and a liar. And for admitting my feelings or implying them, I've lost all my closest female friends and was asked nicely to leave an all female organization, just for my own well being.

And with sexuality in general, I feel such horrible guilt finding anyone attractive. I've learned throughout my life that having sexual thoughts towards ANYONE (regardless of sex or gender identity) is wrong and I'm a creep. And being in a relationship, it's even more wrong (even though my partner honestly doesn't care). I just feel so horrible. I can't stop thinking other people are attractive occasionally. It just often becomes obsessive whether I like it or not.

It also creates a newfound guilt with masturbation. It feels wrong to do it at all but it's the only way I can have an orgasm and I don't think I could go the rest of my life never having an orgasm again. The only way it happens with another person is if I masturbate next to the other person and if that's the extent of my sex life, I'd rather just masturbate on my own most of the time (way less stressful). I only have one position where an orgasm is comfortable (on my stomach) and that's difficult to do with another person. On my back, if it does happen (and I had to train my body to do it in the last couple years or so) it either hurts or it's a complete letdown. And so if I even get close, I tend to hit a wall because I know how much it'll probably hurt.

You know, maybe if I could have an orgasm with an attentive partner that pushes himself to discomfort to try to get me off, (like a normal, not ungrateful person), maybe I could accept my sexuality. It would at least be a start. I think a big part of it is I have sensory issues with touch. Even cuddling, there are touches that I just can't handle (like the tactile version of nails on a chalkboard) and since it doesn't seem well defined as to where the line is pleasurable and sensory overload, no touch (especially sexual) is really "safe".
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Unread 07-28-2017, 08:46 AM   #2
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Default Re: How do I accept my gender/sex/sexuality?

I think what's important in accepting all these different things is really about putting a voice to what you're feeling. Maybe you'll find that you don't need to force yourself through some deliberate process of accepting "the way you are" or "what you are," but maybe actually you just need to recognize, verbalize, make space for and validate your feelings.

Like, for example, it seems like anything that implies you having a feminine identification makes you feel really vulnerable or maybe even disgusted? It seems like the treatment that you expect as a result of being female makes you not want to identify with femaleness at all. It seems like you're looking for a way to cope with those feelings and right now the best solution you have is to avoid too much exposure to sexuality or involvement in sexual experiences.

Do you have someone in your life you feel comfortable talking to about that? You know? Sometimes we just need to be heard and not judged and need to feel like someone really cares.
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Unread 07-29-2017, 02:03 PM   #3
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Default Re: How do I accept my gender/sex/sexuality?

Quote:
Originally Posted by magicalprince View Post
I think what's important in accepting all these different things is really about putting a voice to what you're feeling. Maybe you'll find that you don't need to force yourself through some deliberate process of accepting "the way you are" or "what you are," but maybe actually you just need to recognize, verbalize, make space for and validate your feelings.

Like, for example, it seems like anything that implies you having a feminine identification makes you feel really vulnerable or maybe even disgusted? It seems like the treatment that you expect as a result of being female makes you not want to identify with femaleness at all. It seems like you're looking for a way to cope with those feelings and right now the best solution you have is to avoid too much exposure to sexuality or involvement in sexual experiences.

Do you have someone in your life you feel comfortable talking to about that? You know? Sometimes we just need to be heard and not judged and need to feel like someone really cares.
I talk to my boyfriend about these things often. I think it's just the feeling of not fitting in and not being accepted and understood for who I am (since I have to hide these kind of details). I'm basically just playing the role of being straight and 100% girl. I'm afraid I would never be accepted in the gay community because they understandably don't like bisexuals. The trans/non-binary gender community is more accepting, but I just felt out of place. I can't have female friends, because what if I am or become attracted to them? I can't have male friends because I feel too inferior to connect to them on a meaningful level.
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Unread 07-30-2017, 03:36 AM   #4
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Default Re: How do I accept my gender/sex/sexuality?

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I talk to my boyfriend about these things often. I think it's just the feeling of not fitting in and not being accepted and understood for who I am (since I have to hide these kind of details). I'm basically just playing the role of being straight and 100% girl. I'm afraid I would never be accepted in the gay community because they understandably don't like bisexuals. The trans/non-binary gender community is more accepting, but I just felt out of place. I can't have female friends, because what if I am or become attracted to them? I can't have male friends because I feel too inferior to connect to them on a meaningful level.
What if you just stop playing the straight and 100% girl role? Do you WANT to play that role?

It seems like you're running from the labels that were slapped on you by default yet, everywhere you go, you feel out of place because once again you're not exactly like the label.

Why not try to let go of labels and just be you, as you really are? Even just a little bit? I'm thinking it's the act that you're forcing yourself to do that keeps you feeling out of place.
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Unread 07-30-2017, 02:24 PM   #5
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Default Re: How do I accept my gender/sex/sexuality?

I relate to what you said about gender identity. I too identify as genderfluid. Sometimes it is unbearable to be a woman.

As for sexuality, I don't anticipate coming out of the closet anytime soon. I don't see myself ever having a relationship, find casual sex too painful, and so there's no point, really, in coming out. But it kills the soul to keep things in. I guess I'm just scared.

I'm bisexual, but sometimes it's also unbearable to think about sex. It repulses me. I want to get rid of it. So I'm... demisexual?

I don't have anything smart to say, but I related to a lot you said here.
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Unread 07-31-2017, 09:31 PM   #6
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Default Re: How do I accept my gender/sex/sexuality?

All I want is to live some place where it's safe to be myself. That goes for everything, not just sexuality. Personality wise, I only feel comfortable being myself at work...sexually and gender wise, there really isn't any place at the moment I'm really comfortable being myself.

I'd rather just be rejected by default than put everything out there and be open (like I used to) and just be rejected for who I actually am. Of course, that goes beyond the scope of this thread.
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Unread 08-01-2017, 03:58 PM   #7
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Default Re: How do I accept my gender/sex/sexuality?

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Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End. View Post
All I want is to live some place where it's safe to be myself. That goes for everything, not just sexuality. Personality wise, I only feel comfortable being myself at work...sexually and gender wise, there really isn't any place at the moment I'm really comfortable being myself.

I'd rather just be rejected by default than put everything out there and be open (like I used to) and just be rejected for who I actually am. Of course, that goes beyond the scope of this thread.
ugh! this must be really painful. I know it's the hardest thing to do to try to be yourself only to end up rejected for it. It's natural to want to avoid that kind of rejection, but, I just hope you'll remember, you DO deserve to be accepted as you really are.
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Unread 08-02-2017, 12:29 AM   #8
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Default Re: How do I accept my gender/sex/sexuality?

I just remember my best friend from middle school through college saying when I came out to her something to the effect that it was okay to be bi, but I could never act on it. It seems benign talking about it now, but it broke my heart and destroyed our friendship then.

I've struggled to accept having ANY sexual feeling and even though I've been in a heterosexual relationship with the same person for nearly 3 years, I'm still nervous and uncomfortable with sex. There are so many things I'd like to try, but if I'm too nervous about just basic sex, then anything past that would be terrifying. I don't know if that makes sense. He'd be fine if I experienced being with a girl, but I never ever would. I would just be jealous of him for experiencing it, even though he's technically experiencing it with me.

Throughout my life, my sexual desires have been gross, wrong, or creepy. I can't undo that damage.
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Unread 08-02-2017, 10:38 AM   #9
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Default Re: How do I accept my gender/sex/sexuality?

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Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End. View Post
I just remember my best friend from middle school through college saying when I came out to her something to the effect that it was okay to be bi, but I could never act on it. It seems benign talking about it now, but it broke my heart and destroyed our friendship then.

I've struggled to accept having ANY sexual feeling and even though I've been in a heterosexual relationship with the same person for nearly 3 years, I'm still nervous and uncomfortable with sex. There are so many things I'd like to try, but if I'm too nervous about just basic sex, then anything past that would be terrifying. I don't know if that makes sense. He'd be fine if I experienced being with a girl, but I never ever would. I would just be jealous of him for experiencing it, even though he's technically experiencing it with me.

Throughout my life, my sexual desires have been gross, wrong, or creepy. I can't undo that damage.
Sometimes, when you're not expressing yourself, it's easy to drift away from what you really feel and just start going through the motions because you think that's what you have to do. But, that also can become a trap. You can get used to going through the motions and become accustomed to the idea that your feelings are unimportant, or even irrelevant. That is not a happy way to live, even if it feels safer than the alternative.

Honestly that friend you talked about was not much of a friend if she would say that to you. Clearly what she said was hurtful to you. There is nothing wrong with being, or acting on being, bi. Some people are judgmental but, they're judgmental purely out of ignorance. They don't necessarily know what it's like to be in your situation--everyone's situation is unique. So those people have no place telling you what you should do, or how you should be. There is no good reason for another person to place limitations on your happiness, and you deserve to be happy.

Please be kind to yourself. These things take time. Little by little, you will find ways to feel more comfortable with yourself and in your life. It only has to happen one small step at a time, so if things are too scary right now, you don't have to feel bad if you are unable to be open to new experiences, or even if you think you never will be able. Even just writing out your thoughts and feelings here is a valid first step.
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