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Unread 07-08-2017, 10:58 AM   #1
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Default What do women want online???

I've been doing the online dating thing for about three weeks now, and so far it's been an almost total failure.

I'll see a woman's profile and think we have a lot in common and might be right for each other. I'll read her entire profile, write a custom, personalized message that talks about her interests. I *think* I look nice in my profile pictures and I've written some nice stuff about myself.

Yet I hardly ever even get a response.

This morning OkCupid showed me a lady's profile with a 93% match. (If you don't know OkCupid, their match percentages are actually pretty accurate.) She was online at the same time I was. We seemed to match in every significant way. So I wrote her a nice message, witty (I think), custom for her.

She did not even respond. She read it (OKC shows you when they read the message) but no response.

Then, on another site, I got a "like" from a lady. She also looked interesting, so I responded. No response back.

I've never understood what women want. Now I don't even understand what they want in an initial message.

Can anybody clue me in?

If you're one of the regulars with whom I've exchanged comments, I'll even privately link you to my profiles and show you some messages. Feedback is welcome.
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Unread 07-08-2017, 11:00 AM   #2
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Default Re: What do women want online???

It would be helpful if you posted some examples of messages you are sending. It is possible that you are coming on too strongly.
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Unread 07-08-2017, 11:06 AM   #3
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Default Re: What do women want online???

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Originally Posted by scaredandconfused View Post
It would be helpful if you posted some examples of messages you are sending. It is possible that you are coming on too strongly.
I've thought a lot about that. I do get a bit verbose, so I've tried to tone that down. However, almost all the women I contact say they want something more than just a one sentence message.

The one time ever that I actually met in person a woman from online I started with a message of about 15 sentences. She liked it and responded. (Then she rejected me and I had a nervous breakdown, but that's beside the point... I think.)
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Unread 07-08-2017, 12:39 PM   #4
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Default Re: What do women want online???

You do know that a lot of those profiles are ghost profiles? You make one and then never go back? Plus I think the sites them selves try to lure you by using these profiles in search results to make it look like you have plenty to choose from or... my personal favorite... you get an e-mail from one of them but you have to upgrade to read it. When you do it say something like "Hi" and when you respond.. nothing. Some I services I suspect even do things like "like you" to get you to stay around.

From my point of view if I were looking, but I am not anymore due to terrible experiences,
1. Have photos that don't make you look like a serial killer. I don't know why men put up photos where they are just rolled out of bed in a t shirt looking depressed.
2. your initial hello should just be basic like "hi I am smart guy - how are you?" if that turns them off.. good to know now (usually not a real person)
3. don't push too hard to meet up in person. Let the girl do it. Makes you look like your trying to get laid or like you are trying to make sure she is "pretty".

Consider NOT using dating sites. I suspect strongly the best of the best no longer use those.
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Unread 07-08-2017, 01:15 PM   #5
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Default Re: What do women want online???

You make some very good points. I'll respond individually.

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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
1. Have photos that don't make you look like a serial killer. I don't know why men put up photos where they are just rolled out of bed in a t shirt looking depressed.
I really don't think my pics look like that. Of course, it's hard to be completely objective, but I had a friend take them who is a semi-professional photographer. I also showed them to some female friends who I think would give honest feedback. In fact, they did in some cases say they didn't like pictures and I didn't use them.

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2. your initial hello should just be basic like "hi I am smart guy - how are you?" if that turns them off.. good to know now (usually not a real person)
I'll give that some real thought. Maybe I am being overly verbose. Still, the women I've contacted say in their profiles that they want more than one sentence messages. They also say they want evidence that you've actually read their profiles, so I always put personal stuff in there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
3. don't push too hard to meet up in person. Let the girl do it. Makes you look like your trying to get laid or like you are trying to make sure she is "pretty".
I don't *think* I'm pushing too hard. I usually do say that we could get to know each other online and then, if it feels right, talk on the phone or meet up. But maybe next time I'll just suggest getting to know each other online and leave it at that.

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Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
Consider NOT using dating sites. I suspect strongly the best of the best no longer use those.
I do know some wonderful women who use dating sites. Also, though I'm not being down on myself, don't think of myself as the "best of the best", or, put a little better, I'm only right for a small percentage of women. That actually might be true for everybody. Anyway, I've had no luck meeting anyone in the real world.
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Unread 07-08-2017, 06:38 PM   #6
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Default Re: What do women want online???

Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingtobeconstruct View Post
They also say they want evidence that you've actually read their profiles, so I always put personal stuff in there.
Well that is true. I fear the person isn't serious if they don't say something that lets me know they have put some work into it.. so I take it back on that. I think online dating is really tough but... give it a shot.

I myself am the best of the best so... not for me.
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Unread 07-08-2017, 06:43 PM   #7
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Default Re: What do women want online???

I've been in your shoes. Do yourself a favor and forget the internet when it comes to dating.
Despite the hype, online dating favors women in my experience. Even the less attractive/interesting ones get dozens of messages a day from potential suitors. And forget about the better looking women. They get hundreds. As a guy, unless you work as a model, you won't get any first messages. (Or at least very few.)

Don't get me wrong. You CAN find someone online. But it takes so much work, since you're competing with so many often better looking, more successful men.

My point is, you have to confront your insecurities and start talking to and meeting women in real life. Yeah, rejection hurts, but at least they don't have the option to completely ignore you (it would be seen as rude).
I know when I was messing with online dating, I was using it as a crutch because of my social anxiety. Don't fall for that trap. Your goal is to meet up in person, so it'll eventually be awkward anyway.
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Unread 07-09-2017, 08:59 AM   #8
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Default Re: What do women want online???

On line dating IMHO not the greatest thing! Blind fold yourself spin around a few times and try hitting a dart board from 25 feet. I mean it okay to try it but it should be your after thought you need self confidence. Meet people in person
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Unread 07-09-2017, 09:09 AM   #9
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Default Re: What do women want online???

Quote:
I've never understood what women want.
My perspective is that you should stop trying to tailor your messages, stop trying to massage them into "what women want". I think you should simply say whatever your authentic self would say.

Quote:
I'm only right for a small percentage of women. That actually might be true for everybody.
Exactly.

Quote:
Anyway, I've had no luck meeting anyone in the real world.
How long have you been trying in the real world?
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Unread 07-09-2017, 01:50 PM   #10
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Default Re: What do women want online???

I know I'm more likely to respond to someone I have something in common with, which you would mention in your first message. Not all, but at least one interest. It's at least a conversation starter. Also, if I stated in my ad that I have a certain desired location or other particulars, I ignore those who can't read my preferences. If it is a bonafide dating site, you should connect with someone sooner or later. Just don't expect too much too soon. It might take a while so just be patient and be yourself.

Different women want different things, but a lot of us who have been online a long time have seen it all and have learned to be very choosy.

Good luck in your endeavor!
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