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Unread 05-18-2017, 11:57 AM   #1
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Default Boyfriend can't maintain an erection with me

Sorry for the long post. I'm very embarrassed to make this post but this has been going on for so long and I'm in need of reassurance/advice.

I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost one year now. I can't seem to perform any sexual act on him without him getting anxious and losing his erection, and he doesn't usually get a full erection with me to begin with.

He has no problems masturbating by himself, but I have only been able to make him orgasm a total of three times during our entire relationship, two of which were when he was simultaneously pleasuring me.

The other one he claimed he had to "mentally force" to happen, as well.

Last night I gave him a blowjob after making out and he couldn't stay hard. I tried to use some sex toys on him but he completely lost his erection.

He told me that he started to get anxious even while kissing, and I know for a fact he loves making out so this is very discouraging for me.

He often tells me that he goes "numb" and can't feel much when I give him blowjobs and/or handjobs and I think it's because of lack of arousal because I'm confident in myself when it comes to those things.

He does not have any issues pleasuring me at all. It does not make him anxious - quite the opposite. He feels that when I'm doing things to him and he's not in control, he gets anxious.

We suspect he may have had a porn addiction for a while before we got together, which would explain him having become accustomed to his own hand, but I don't know how the anxiety ties into that.

I even had him take one of my Ativan pills to ease his mind before doing things last night but it didn't seem to do a thing.

Intercourse is impossible for this reason and I know it's not his fault but it's so frustrating not being able to have proper sex with my partner, whom I love VERY much.

We're both in our early 20's and I don't feel like these things should be happening at our age.

He's going to schedule an appointment with a sex therapist today to get advice but we have very limited money so he most likely won't be able to see him long-term.

He has seen a doctor and they've told him that he is completely physically normal, to rule out any medical reasons for this.

In the meantime, any reassurance/advice would be very much appreciated, especially if any of you are going through something similar. It would be nice to know I'm not alone in this. It's devastating me.
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Unread 05-18-2017, 12:29 PM   #2
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Default Re: Boyfriend can't maintain an erection with me

Sorry this has been happening.It seems to me a regular therapist would be a good idea rather than a sex therapist.
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Unread 05-18-2017, 01:01 PM   #3
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Default Re: Boyfriend can't maintain an erection with me

I got more clarification just now.

He apparently won't be seeing a sex therapist, but actually a regular therapist who happens to deal with porn addiction.

I think that may be the culprit I have no idea how to help...

I know I should not be thinking this way but it really messes with my self-esteem, thinking to myself that he'd much rather watch a bunch of naked girls in porn than do things with me...which I know ultimately isn't true.

Really hoping this gets better.
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Unread 05-18-2017, 03:36 PM   #4
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Default Re: Boyfriend can't maintain an erection with me

It's good that he's going to be in therapy,it sounds like he needs it.There could even be things from his past,abuse or something contributing to this.
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Unread 05-18-2017, 06:08 PM   #5
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Default Re: Boyfriend can't maintain an erection with me

I saw my therapist today and she definitely thinks he needs to see that therapist for porn addiction, after ruling out some other factors.

She doesn't specialize in it but she knows the signs.

I'm going to continue being the best support I can be.

A lot of couples would run from this but I genuinely want to work through it with him because I love him so much.

Thanks for reading my post and giving your input.
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Unread 05-18-2017, 08:00 PM   #6
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Default Re: Boyfriend can't maintain an erection with me

Seeing a therapist sounds like a pretty good idea. I'm just going to throw out some other outside-the-box ideas, just for consideration.

Have you considered...
  • getting drunk
  • using marijuana
  • swinging
  • inviting someone to join the two of you
  • just deciding not to do anything about it for a while
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Unread 05-19-2017, 11:19 PM   #7
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Default Re: Boyfriend can't maintain an erection with me

My partner has problems with maintaining an erection and with a previous partner he had problems even becoming aroused. He was prescribed Viagra but when it didn't work it was decided that it was a mental block and perhaps worsened by medications. We have tried numerous things including different types of Cock Rings and have finally found something that helps Durex Pleasure Ring. Perhaps if you and your partner are open to bedroom aides you may also find something that will help while he addresses his issues; you can also buy lubricants that are supposed to increase sensation etc they may also help him feel more. Good luck with it but just remember sex is only part of a loving relationship there are other ways to express and show love
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Unread 05-20-2017, 05:02 AM   #8
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Default Re: Boyfriend can't maintain an erection with me

I once had this when I was around 27. It is a mental block that can have all sorts of reasons. But once you are in there everything just becomes worse. Once you get out of it, everything will be back to normal.

One possible solution here to get out is to decide not to have intercourse. Kissing, touching, making out, everything is possible and allowed, but not intercourse. This takes off the pressure and eventually it will come back.
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Unread 05-20-2017, 09:23 PM   #9
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Default Re: Boyfriend can't maintain an erection with me

Quote:
Originally Posted by gmts View Post
I once had this when I was around 27. It is a mental block that can have all sorts of reasons. But once you are in there everything just becomes worse. Once you get out of it, everything will be back to normal.

One possible solution here to get out is to decide not to have intercourse. Kissing, touching, making out, everything is possible and allowed, but not intercourse. This takes off the pressure and eventually it will come back.
I don't know what "normal" is because this problem has existed since the beginning of our relationship and even in his previous relationship

It was an issue before we ever decided to have intercourse as well.
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Unread 05-21-2017, 03:24 PM   #10
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Default Re: Boyfriend can't maintain an erection with me

Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingtobeconstruct View Post
Seeing a therapist sounds like a pretty good idea. I'm just going to throw out some other outside-the-box ideas, just for consideration.

Have you considered...
  • getting drunk
  • using marijuana
  • swinging
  • inviting someone to join the two of you
  • just deciding not to do anything about it for a while
Marijuana and alcohol are commonly mistakenly believed to increase libido, but they both actually do the opposite. If you do it once, it might (because of expectations, interesting psychology to that), but over time it will make the problem worse.

Take it from someone who has a partner who uses one, so knows.

OP, porn addiction can definitely cause this problem. It's, actually, rather common with porn or masturbation addiction. It can make a person anxious in real life sexual encounters. It's definitely something a therapist may be able to address.

In the meantime, I highly suggest other ways to be intimate. If he's not comfortable with sex or blow jobs, find something else. Keep trying things, until something makes him comfortable. If he just wants to pleasure you, try to be okay with that until he can work on this. There are other ways.
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