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Unread 03-17-2017, 10:20 PM   #1
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Trig Adult Virgin

I am 25 years old. I have never had sex, kissed anyone, or been on a date. I hear how people talk about people with that kind of relationship history; when a man does something bad a lot of people say things like "I bet he's never touched a woman" and act like that if you haven't had success with women that that must mean there's something bad about you. It makes me feel humiliated and emasculated. People talk about having sex as "becoming a man" and at 25 I think I should be considered an adult and a man already.

My history with women has not been good.
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In High School I was a little shy with girls and was not overly interested in dating back then. I asked a girl out my freshman year in college. We had gotten along before then but in hindsight she didn't take me very seriously. She was a Junior. She made fun of me to other people after I asked her out and didn't want to be my friend anymore and seemed embarrassed of me. I asked two more girls out after that in college. They were both very nice about it, although one had been a good friend for about a year and didn't want to be my friend anymore afterward. The other one was a girl I met in a class who was very attractive who I got a bit friendly with. I just asked her because I thought I would regret it if I didn't and wasn't expecting her to say yes so I wasn't very sad when she didn't. Last year I got a little interested in a girl at graduate school who I got along with on a basic level and was always friendly with me. When I started going out of my way to talk to her a little more she basically ignored me and deleted me on facebook. I never touched her, made any sexually oriented comments, or did anything that would be considered harassment or stalking; I just made sure to say hello and ask how she was doing when I would see her in places we both regularly went. I sent her one message after the fact saying that I hope I hadn't done anything to offend her or make her uncomfortable. She did not respond. I don't know what I did to make her hate me so much that she can't even tolerate basic association with me.

I do not understand why girls dislike me so much. People tell me I am smart and funny and although I can be a bit shy most people think I have good social skills. I am insecure about how I look due to having a bit of a boyish face and being thin, but objectively I know I am probably average looking. I would have been fine being friends with most of these girls. With the last girl I would even take her just being indifferent towards me. People act like if a man doesn't want to keep being friends with a woman after she turns him down for a date that he is a jerk, but they can completely drop me after I ask them out. I probably take stuff like this a bit personally because of stuff with my mother.

I found out that it is quite abnormal for men my age to have not had sex (only 3%) and am starting to fear that I will be alone forever. Women will expect me to have sexual experience I do not have. I want to be mutually in love and get married more than just about anything. I am especially depressed about this lately and am getting to the point where I wish I didn't have to get out of bed in the morning. I am also living with my parents while I finish my thesis for graduate school which is also making me depressed due to my relationship with them and compounding my feelings of emasculation.
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Unread 03-19-2017, 04:48 PM   #2
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Hello Norseman: I don't really have any words of wisdom to offer here. I just wanted to leave a reply letting you know I read your post & I wish you well...
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Unread 03-19-2017, 04:57 PM   #3
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Default Re: Adult Virgin

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheNorseman View Post
I found out that it is quite abnormal for men my age to have not had sex (only 3%) and am starting to fear that I will be alone forever. Women will expect me to have sexual experience I do not have. I want to be mutually in love and get married more than just about anything..
I am sad to hear you state that figure. I don't think it is accurate. I used to hang on another board where a lot of the guys are virgins and at one point I had access to medical records and I can tell you it was, shocking to me, to see how many people were virgins or weren't having sex.

But I do think you do need to get some sexual experience. Maybe just date someone and get it over with.

I actually do feel like I have a similar problem woman wise. There is just something about me that is a mismatch. I tend to be attractive to people I don't want and not attractive to people I do. I have often wondered if there some imperceptible smell or something that causes such problems. But I have definitely just settled in the past to get things over with so that I could move on.
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Unread 03-19-2017, 05:57 PM   #4
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Default Re: Adult Virgin

Just a word of comfort ... I married at 25 ... and I was a virgin ... been married 35 years with two boys .... I was very shy around women and had a very strong miss guided religious fevor ... but the right woman came across my path ... I know expectations may be different today ... just be yourself ... relax ... age is not important ... I am in favor of waiting for love .... if this really concerns you how about seeing a therapist ... your school probably has someone ... peace my friend ...
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Unread 03-19-2017, 06:23 PM   #5
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Default Re: Adult Virgin

I can empathize, I'm turning 24 in a couple days and I'm in a similar situation. Minus the thing with your mom I've had pretty similar experiences. My first, I guess you could say proto-girlfriend in middle school was an absolutely horrible human being, incredibly verbally abusive and controlling. I have aspergers too and can't tell when someone is flirting with me unless it is incredibly obvious. and when it is obvious I get this overwhelming anxiety that has made attempting to find a relationship extremely difficult.

I asked my university's therapist I've been going to for anxiety about it and she flat out told me she had no clue how to help, so I'm just kind of stuck and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Best of luck, hopefully both of us can get past this issue.
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Unread 03-19-2017, 07:10 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
...

But I do think you do need to get some sexual experience. Maybe just date someone and get it over with.
...
May I ask why do you think he needs experience just for the sake of it?
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Unread 03-19-2017, 07:12 PM   #7
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@OP: Again, why do you think women are not interested in you romantically? There must be something you can recognize and can be addressed, since it seems a pattern with you.
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Unread 03-19-2017, 07:42 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton View Post
But I do think you do need to get some sexual experience. Maybe just date someone and get it over with.
Well, I think part of the trouble is that people don't want to date me.
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Unread 03-19-2017, 07:45 PM   #9
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@OP: Again, why do you think women are not interested in you romantically? There must be something you can recognize and can be addressed, since it seems a pattern with you.
In the first case I think she thought I was too young, the second one may have thought we were too close friends to date and that my wanting to date her "ruined" our friendship, I may not have been attractive or masculine enough for the third, and I do not know why the most recent one disliked me so much.

I am worried that something about me seems weak or non-masculine. It may be just neuroticism.
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Unread 03-19-2017, 09:04 PM   #10
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Default Re: Adult Virgin

OK, so take these things that you know into consideration for your next potential move, namely, choose someone who is close to your age, and make your move before you get into the friend zone. For your physical appearance, do you have male friends or anyone who can give you an honest feedback on that?
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