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Unread 03-14-2017, 04:25 AM   #1
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Default Would you confront your abuser?

I'm considering it. I have sexual issues - mostly just this awful feeling of dread before having sex with my husband that never goes away - and I've tried everything I can think of to get over it. My husband is great, and very understanding. I have no complaints about him, so why this awful feeling regarding sex? I know it's because of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother and step-father. I don't know exactly how it went down, but it's been apparent to me that she was getting something in return from him for looking the other way when he tried to molest me.

I honestly don't know if I was raped or how far it went. I can't even tell you how many times it happened, or how long it went on. I don't think very long. Lord knows, what I do remember, I sure fought him off enough times.

The last conversation I had with him I was 25 (30 years ago) and he felt the need to inform me that he fantasized about me while he masturbated. I informed him if he ever came near me again, I'd kill him.

Now I want to confront him, but I don't want to sink to his level. I've decided to write him a letter - not expecting anything from him - at all.

Is this a good idea? My T says don't send it, but I did with my mom a decade or so ago, and it's the only thing I've ever done that put a chink in her armor. Otherwise, they say I just make stuff up. Meh.
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I'm going away, I'm going away, I'm going away.
See you again someday...
Darling, I'm going away.
Feel like I'm going away, this time I'm going away.

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Unread 03-14-2017, 12:43 PM   #2
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Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

Yes, write a letter, confess all your feelings, your anger, your frustrations, your fears, how this has affected you and your partner, what you want resolved from this....then seal it...and never, ever send it.

I've written very heartfelt letters to friends who have hurt me but I've never sent them. It's not about them, it's about me and how I feel about the situation. They don't need to know how I feel, they probably wouldn't think twice about it if I sent them or they may send back a letter that could be potentially more hurtful than what had hurt me to begin with.

Here's what I'd do, write the letter, explain everything and act as if you're speaking or writing directly to him, put it in an envelope addressed to "Dad", seal it, then stick it in a safe place. I doubt you'd find resolve by actually sending it. He won't get any satisfaction in the letter, only you will, so write it and keep it.
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Unread 03-14-2017, 01:37 PM   #3
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Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

My initial reaction when I read your Q was the (all too familiar) feeling of panic and doom. Yet, I pressed myself to read this post regardless, to see if I *could* help. That must be a positive sign for me, right?

I believe that writing the letter about how you are feeling about these deep, unhappy and hurt memories might bring you a sense of closure. LiteraryLark is so much better at explanations and descriptions than I am!
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Unread 03-15-2017, 09:07 PM   #4
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Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

At this point, I've written a 'first draft', and it's pretty dark. I still see no reason not to send the letter, though. I'm not expecting anything from him. He's had decades to apologize and never has. He wrote me a letter shortly after our last conversation trying to convince me that nothing happened and I still have it - I kept it to remind myself how dangerous he really is. I plan to send it back to him.

He's too old now to do much harm, and even if he tries, I have recourse's I didn't have back then.
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You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams

All right, I'm giving up the fight,
I didn't know when I'd be a stranger again in my own land.
The days are okay, but oh, how I hate these long nights.
You understand?
Darling, please just hold my hand.
You feel so warm, in the eye of the storm,
I'm going away, I'm going away, I'm going away.
See you again someday...
Darling, I'm going away.
Feel like I'm going away, this time I'm going away.

Indigo ~ Peter Gabriel
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Unread 03-16-2017, 12:30 PM   #5
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Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

I confronted one of my abusers & the situation was very different. I was young & did it more out of revenge. I confronted him the night before he got married.
Touché.
Put what you need to into the letter. Seal it. Hang onto it & see if this act brings you closure you're looking for.
Then ask why it did or why it did not. Then decide what you'd like to do.
If you're not expecting anything from him....what if he does decide to reply. Are you ready for that.
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Unread 03-16-2017, 02:19 PM   #6
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Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Patagonia View Post
I confronted one of my abusers & the situation was very different. I was young & did it more out of revenge. I confronted him the night before he got married.
Touché.
Put what you need to into the letter. Seal it. Hang onto it & see if this act brings you closure you're looking for.
Then ask why it did or why it did not. Then decide what you'd like to do.
If you're not expecting anything from him....what if he does decide to reply. Are you ready for that.
If he replies, it doesn't matter. I don't trust anything he says. I doubt he'll even admit to himself what happened, much less to me. It's much too late for remorse and 'sorrys'. Nothing he could say could make me feel any better or worse. What I am hoping will make me feel better is telling him just how disgusting he is and how much I want him dead. I think I would get a great deal of satisfaction from that. My hope is that it will alleviate some of the rage.

I like what you said about hanging on to it for awhile before making a decision. I think that's the wisest course for me. Thank you!

WW
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You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams

All right, I'm giving up the fight,
I didn't know when I'd be a stranger again in my own land.
The days are okay, but oh, how I hate these long nights.
You understand?
Darling, please just hold my hand.
You feel so warm, in the eye of the storm,
I'm going away, I'm going away, I'm going away.
See you again someday...
Darling, I'm going away.
Feel like I'm going away, this time I'm going away.

Indigo ~ Peter Gabriel
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Unread 03-16-2017, 05:50 PM   #7
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Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

I hate to play devils advocate here, but I'm thinking yes sending it could give you relief & grief.
What if he replies & twists all ur words around & basically belittles you, your feelings, emotions etc etc.
He'd have that last word. Knowing my nature I'd hate that & hate all the self doubt that might start again.
But that is just me & my thinking. He sounds like he won't admit it & just try to blame you.
Would you be strong enough for that?
You just don't want this to be a setback in your progress.

Do you have a support system?
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Unread 03-16-2017, 07:16 PM   #8
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Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Patagonia View Post
I hate to play devils advocate here, but I'm thinking yes sending it could give you relief & grief.
What if he replies & twists all ur words around & basically belittles you, your feelings, emotions etc etc.
He'd have that last word. Knowing my nature I'd hate that & hate all the self doubt that might start again.
But that is just me & my thinking. He sounds like he won't admit it & just try to blame you.
Would you be strong enough for that?
You just don't want this to be a setback in your progress.

Do you have a support system?
Of course he'd twist my words and try to belittle you. He can only do that if I let him. Just because he responds, doesn't mean I have to read it. They already try to blame me, so that's nothing new.

Yes I have a strong support system. They're mixed in their opinions, which is why I asked the question here.
__________________
You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams

All right, I'm giving up the fight,
I didn't know when I'd be a stranger again in my own land.
The days are okay, but oh, how I hate these long nights.
You understand?
Darling, please just hold my hand.
You feel so warm, in the eye of the storm,
I'm going away, I'm going away, I'm going away.
See you again someday...
Darling, I'm going away.
Feel like I'm going away, this time I'm going away.

Indigo ~ Peter Gabriel
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Unread 03-24-2017, 11:05 PM   #9
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Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

When I was first in therapy and my poor therapist was trying to get me to see that what I thought was normal and okay really really wasn't -- I had a similar urge. It took months for me to even think about cutting him out of my life but once I felt it was possible, I wanted to do the same thing. I wanted to write out every awful thing and what consequences his selfish actions had caused for me and my future but I'd get awful angry texts from him before I even finished a rough draft so I gave up.

There's no world in which he cares.

I agree with what the others have said. Write it for you. Then find a way that'll satisfy the rage. I don't think dropping it in a mailbox will do it for you. You'll wonder did he get it, did he read it, was your voice heard, and you've got that here. We've heard you. Your support system has heard you.

He will never hear you.

So burn the letter. Rip it up. Destroy it and destroy him out of your life and keep moving forward.

That's my two cents. I wish the best for you.
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Unread 03-25-2017, 05:19 PM   #10
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Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

What I really want is for my sexual issues to go away. It just seems to me if therapy isn't working, maybe I just need to confront him. There really isn't anything he can do to hurt me unless I let him.
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You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams

All right, I'm giving up the fight,
I didn't know when I'd be a stranger again in my own land.
The days are okay, but oh, how I hate these long nights.
You understand?
Darling, please just hold my hand.
You feel so warm, in the eye of the storm,
I'm going away, I'm going away, I'm going away.
See you again someday...
Darling, I'm going away.
Feel like I'm going away, this time I'm going away.

Indigo ~ Peter Gabriel
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