Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > Health & Other Support > Sexual and Gender Issues


Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 03-26-2017, 08:39 AM   #11
Member
 
justxholdon's Avatar
justxholdon has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: Neverland
Posts: 63
My Mood:

7 hugs
given
Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

It takes time. Its not that your brains just holding out until you have this throw down. Its that you've got to retrain your body and mind and then accept those changes as your new default. You've got to get to a point where your fears are challenged and ultimately defeated and replaced with healthy attitudes. Does that make sense?
justxholdon is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-26-2017, 09:07 AM   #12
Grand Member
 
Werewoman's Avatar
Werewoman a bit, well...wered.
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Betelgeuse
Posts: 867
My Mood:

3 yr Member
509 hugs
given
Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

It makes perfect sense. I think there are some things that just can't be overcome. Not after decades of trying...
__________________
You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. ~ Robin Williams

They put you in a box so you can't get heard
Let your spirit stay unbroken, may you not be deterred
Hold on, you have gambled with your own life
You faced the night alone
While the builders of the cages
Sleep with bullets, bars and stone
They do not see the road to freedom
That you build with flesh and bone
~ Peter Gabriel
Werewoman is online now   Reply With Quote
Unread 04-07-2017, 08:38 PM   #13
iluvmyduckie
Guest
iluvmyduckie has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

One of my abusers is my ex husband and I have this overwhelming feeling of hurt whenever I have to talk to him now since we have kids. I don't feel the need to confront him because mentally he doesn't believe what he did was wrong. SO personally in my situation I feel it be a waist of time and energy.
  Reply With Quote
Unread 04-11-2017, 10:40 PM   #14
Magnate
 
Big Mama's Avatar
Big Mama has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2,154
My Mood:

5 yr Member
629 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

Werewoman - I have been where you are. My sexual abuse from the past affects my married sex now. I have only been married to my H for 22 years. I finally told him 3 years ago what happened in my past with sexual abuse. That didn't help things in the bedroom, but at least he knows and knows why I cry when we have sex, and why I can't do certain things, and he can't say certain things.

I have been in T for this going on 4 years. The abuse affects me today like it happened yesterday. In T the counselor had me write my story with abuse, one event at a time. I choose one event and wrote about it. I used all the words I could to describe everything to the best of my ability. The colors, the floor, the walls, the smells, the taste, the sensations, my fears, what my inner thoughts were.

Until you work threw what your ears heard, and what your eyes saw, what your nose smelled, what things tasted like, and how you felt and what you thought, it is hard to get past it. Each sense has it's own memory. You have to give each sense a voice.

I wrote what happened and went over each sense. Then I took that and let my T read it. Eventually I let my H read it to. Then I wrote what my abuser stole from me. My ability to trust, to love, to have sex, to feel safe and so on. I was to write it as if I was talking directly to him.

After that I wrote what I would do if I could do something now. If there were no laws, no morally correct, no guidelines, what would I do to him to make him feel like I felt.

Lastly I took the power back by writing a series of things to take the power back and not give that power to him. I put this in the form of a letter to. Ex. You took from me the ability to love, or so you thought, now I am happily married. You stole my ability to feel safe, yet I can go outside at night now, so you didn't really have that ability. I will not let you steal from me my joy and zeal for life.

After that I jsut kept it in a note book. I went threw each situation I was in with this man, and did all those steps with each event. Maybe that will help you. But I would not do that with out hte help of a trained T.

Now when my H and I have sex, I still don;t like it. But I don;t cry, and I don't throw up. He knows my boundaries. I have learned how to cope with sex. Many good techniques. I donlt think I should share those on the forums but I would be more then happy to PM u if you would like. There are things you can do to help. Stupid little stuff like wearing socks. Or wearing a shirt. Setting a timer so you will know that it will stop.
That helped me lots. There are many other things you can do.

Good luck with this. We are all here if you need us. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Please don;t hesitate to PM me if I can help in any way. After all the crap that has happened to me, the last key to healing is to share and help others. If there is no other good that can come from this, the ability to relate to others in the same situation has been the silver lining.
Big Mama is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 04-11-2017, 10:56 PM   #15
Grand Poohbah
 
DaX15's Avatar
DaX15 is a little unsteady...
 
Member Since: Sep 2016
Location: empire state of the south
Posts: 1,640 (SuperPoster!)
1,516 hugs
given
Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

Yes because I'm not afraid anymore…
__________________
Are you insane like me? Been in pain like me? - Gasoline/Halsey
DaX15 is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 08-04-2017, 05:14 PM   #16
New Member
Mountaintop24 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: United kingdom
Posts: 1
Default Re: Would you confront your abuser?

i have to say I was raped and sexually assualted seven years ago and I recently posted my abuser a letter of how he made me suffer but I also added he had no control or fear over me anymore and even though I would always remember what he did i looked at me sending the letter as healing and closure for me I did ask him one question but not sure if I would ever get a reply. Do what is best for you listen to no one else for I had loads of people telling me no and it takes a lot of courage to do something like that.

God bless!
Mountaintop24 is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:58 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp

Helplines and Lifelines