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Old 11-28-2018, 03:57 PM   #1
hopelesslyunsatsfyd
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Unhappy "Gay" and Hating It

Hello all, new here. I’m a 21-year-old in college and have, over the past year or two, come to deeply resent my sexuality (among other issues that I would like to seek a therapist’s advice for). Nothing online has described my situation to my liking, so here I am.

My father–and any male figure for that matter–left my life when I was 5. It has only been recently that I appreciate the impact this has had. I was agnostic to it as a kid (perhaps repressing it without knowing?). I was no younger than 12 when I realized that I liked boys aesthetically. I had a few minor gay experiences around then and soon began to watch gay porn and read gay stories, which I enjoyed despite my guilt for doing so. Occasionally, I would add women to the mix, and do find women attractive, but am more selective and type-oriented in my taste.

At 15, I accepted my sexuality, and even came out to my parents. It went very badly, but I was satisfied internally, and the issue slowly fell away externally. If it matters, it was at this time that I began to casually hook up with older men and others that I found repulsive. With each hook up, I realized a certain revulsion. Not only in an aesthetic or physical manner, but in my psyche as well. Intense bouts of depression and disgust with myself followed every encounter without fail. (This is why I have since stopped and do not intent to “relapse,” so to speak.)

Today, I actually feel better than I ever have in some ways. I’m goal-oriented and have a positive outlook most days, am doing well career- and school-wise, and have generally fine relationships with my small family and friend circle.
But I cannot imagine myself dating a man any longer, or even having sex with one. I long more and more for the relationship with a woman that I’ve never had, or even tried. I want a wife and kids and have this innate desire for a nuclear family almost to the point of self-flagellation. It certainly feels that way on a daily basis.

I don’t know if this is truly me, or who I truly am. And you can imagine the predicament of having gone through hell only to end up back where I “naturally should.” None of this is for religious or societal reasons, by the way. If that were the case, why would I have gone through hell at 15 in coming out.

I feel attractive and am fit and generally confident. But this confidence ends when I consider a girlfriend rather than a boyfriend. I don’t feel nearly good enough for a woman. I must be ugly, I tell myself, or not fit enough, or ill-prepared given my lack of experience with women despite my age. Not to mention I do have some feminine traits, which borderline haunt me. My voice not being stable or manly enough, or my walk, the way I move my arms. Not to mention the anxiety in my own head. How could she like me, she must see or feel my supposed gay-ness, after all.

What am I to do? Go back to the drawing board? Pursue the girl I like?

Sorry for the long-form rambling. If there is anything that I missed that would help, let me know. Thanks.
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Old 11-28-2018, 11:03 PM   #2
Skeezyks
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Smile Re: "Gay" and Hating It

Hello hopelesslyunsatsfyd: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest would be the relationships forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

You asked if you should go back to the drawing board or pursue the girl you like. I'm not sure I know what going back to the drawing board would entail. It might not be a bad idea to spend some time processing all that has happened with you in your young life with the help of a skilled mental health therapist. Romantic relationships are complicated enough without having to carry baggage from years past into them. That said, though, if there is a particular girl you like, certainly do go ahead & see if there's the possibility there for a relationship. Why not? At some point, either with this young lady or another, you may feel the need to disclose some of what you experienced in the past. But that time has not come yet. This is one way in which working with a therapist might be helpful though.

Here are links to a selection of 9 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may help you to gain some perspective with regard to your concerns:

Why Are Relationships So Difficult?

9 Steps to Better Communication Today

Let Go of Regrets and Learn to Forgive Yourself

A Powerful Exercise for Moving Past Regret

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-tips...r-self-esteem/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/unsha...t-you-in-2018/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-sugg...ve-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-tech...ur-confidence/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-tips...keep-it-there/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

P.S. May I also suggest you consider introducing yourself to the general membership over on our new member introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/
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Old 11-30-2018, 12:37 PM   #3
hopelesslyunsatsfyd
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Question Re: "Gay" and Hating It

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Hello hopelesslyunsatsfyd: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest would be the relationships forum.

You asked if you should go back to the drawing board or pursue the girl you like. I'm not sure I know what going back to the drawing board would entail. It might not be a bad idea to spend some time processing all that has happened with you in your young life with the help of a skilled mental health therapist. Romantic relationships are complicated enough without having to carry baggage from years past into them. That said, though, if there is a particular girl you like, certainly do go ahead & see if there's the possibility there for a relationship. Why not? At some point, either with this young lady or another, you may feel the need to disclose some of what you experienced in the past. But that time has not come yet. This is one way in which working with a therapist might be helpful though.

P.S. May I also suggest you consider introducing yourself to the general membership over on our new member introductions forum? Here's a link:
Thank you very much. I'm reading through your links and appreciate the response and advice.

Is it appropriate here to cross-post to the relationship forum? Or delete this and post it there instead?

Last edited by atisketatasket; 11-30-2018 at 08:19 PM.. Reason: Fixed broken quote tag
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Old 12-03-2018, 10:42 PM   #4
Abaddon000
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Default Re: "Gay" and Hating It

*sees thread title*
*eyes widen*
*reads posts*
What? WHAT? WHAT!?
Whatever you choose to do, YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE BEAUTIFUL! No matter what! Do what you want to, do what feels right to you (within reason/logic/legal/etc. of course). You wanna date a guy? Go for it! Wanna pursue you female crush? Go for it!
Advice from my former therapist (don't worry, I has new one): Experiment, see what you like better, you'll only find out what you like more if you try it.
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