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Old 11-19-2018, 10:05 PM   #11
Dnester
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Well when I had sex with my first fiance he wore condoms. I was 17 and didnt want to get pregnant. I felt the need to shower afterwards of course but semen wasnt an issue because it was in the condom of course. Then with my husband. I have only had 2 sex partners. I wasnt to worried about semen until my daughter started to get about 6 or 7. I started freaking out that traces of my body fluids or his would get on the sheets and she would touch it somehow. She liked to snuggle in my bed with me. I started putting sheets down. Limiting where my husband touched me and cleaning all the semen out of me so it wouldnt leak out later and comtaminate me, my daughter or anyone else. I am like that with all bodily fluids though. Like if I was with a woman and not a man i would still have that issue. Semen is the grosset though
The look, the taste, the texture. I was well aware that none of us had any diseases but it didnt make it feel any different. I still felt containmented and I really didnt want my daughter contaminated by her parents bodily fluids. Ecspecially her fathers semen. Sometimes I used to get this feeling out of the blue that my privates were dirty and go wash my privates. Sometimes i used rubbing alcohol.

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Old 11-20-2018, 02:50 AM   #12
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Like what?
The bigger issue being that "maybe" you are feeling sex or your sexuality to be dirty or shameful.

Let me ask you a few questions, to see if we can get closer to the core issue.

1) What are your feelings about sex, without focusing on semen? Describe how you feel about sex without mentioning semen.

2) If body fluids or semen were not involved in sex, then how would you feel about sex?

3) Do you like feeling sexually desired? Or, does this bother you in some way?

4) Do you ever feel aroused by the idea of having sex? Or, do you feel something else?
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Old 11-20-2018, 08:09 AM   #13
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1) I see sex as animalistic although I havent always felt like that. 2) i would still see it as animalistic but contamination wouldnt be an issue 3) I like to feel attractive but not a sex object 4) I think I miss the intimacy but not sex itself. The idea of people getting off using my body is sick.
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Old 11-20-2018, 11:55 AM   #14
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1) I see sex as animalistic although I havent always felt like that. 2) i would still see it as animalistic but contamination wouldnt be an issue 3) I like to feel attractive but not a sex object 4) I think I miss the intimacy but not sex itself. The idea of people getting off using my body is sick.
First of all, I relate to what you are saying about sex seeming animalistic. I've always felt that way too, at least in the way it is portrayed in movies and in porn, and in the way many people go about sex. People going at it like starved animals does not seem intimate to me. And the fact that many people are willing to use anyone to get off when they are in that mood, seems like a very ugly thing to me. So, I can relate to how you feel.

Anyway, from your answers to my questions, I think that you "currently" feel repulsed by sex - at least in the way it is done between most people. The semen anxiety is what most clearly expresses your distress over sex. That is my impression anyway.

Just to let you know, there are other people who feel this way too. I think that getting involved with someone who appreciates you for you and not as a sex object, is very important for you. Being with someone who appreciates who you are and wants to engage in a more gentle form of intimacy, may be what you need. And it is possible that a relationship like that might naturally evolve into something that becomes somewhat more sexual later on, but in a way that feels loving and good to you.
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Old 11-20-2018, 12:05 PM   #15
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I just want to know why I feel this way.
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Old 11-20-2018, 03:39 PM   #16
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I just want to know why I feel this way.
Here are a few more questions to consider:

1) Do you remember this fear or repulsion beginning at a certain time in your life, or after a particular experience, sexual or otherwise?

2) Did you grow up in a strict environment where you were told that sex was dirty or bad?

3) Did you maybe witness something that caused this repulsion?

4) Was there any abuse in your past?

5) Is there anything else, outside of sex, that you feel repulsion towards or that you think is disgusting or contaminated?

I'm just trying to connect the dots here.
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Old 11-20-2018, 05:14 PM   #17
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1) started when my daughter was 6 or 7
2) I didnt grow up in a house that was strict about sex but I did explore with peers sexually and my mom freaked out after I didnt handle it well and starting doing obscene things and she took me to an orphanage and said get better or get out. I was aware that my father was sexual with my mother in a violent way because I saw bruises or her inner thigh. One day when I was 10 o r 11 my dad told me my mom didnt want to have sex with him anymore and i was like ookay.
3) not thst i remember
4) not thst i remember except a little snippet of a flashback of my father forcefully kissing me but thats all i remember
5) pee and poop but not to the degree of semen.
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:21 AM   #18
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1) started when my daughter was 6 or 7
2) I didnt grow up in a house that was strict about sex but I did explore with peers[ sexually and my mom freaked out after I didnt handle it well and starting doing obscene things and she took me to an orphanage and said get better or get out. I was aware that my father was sexual with my mother in a violent way because I saw bruises or her inner thigh. One day when I was 10 o r 11 my dad told me my mom didnt want to have sex with him anymore and i was like ookay.
3) not thst i remember
4) not thst i remember except a little snippet of a flashback of my father forcefully kissing me but thats all i remember
5) pee and poop but not to the degree of semen.
Well, I'm not a psychologist, but your phobia may have something to do with how your parents reacted to your emerging sexuality. Your mother pretty much threatened abandonment over it, you were aware of your father's sexual violence towards your mother, and your father vented his sexual frustrations to you at a young age. Sounds like a recipe for some negative feelings about sex.

Could it be that the obscene things you mentioned only "seemed" obscene because your mother made you feel so badly about it?

Your phobia beginning when your daughter was about 7, might have been some kind of protective reaction towards her, since she was getting closer to the age when she would be exposed to peer pressure regarding sex. It is difficult to know how relevant your daughter is in all this, but she very well could have been some kind of trigger. Old, painful feelings will sometimes hide for years, until some kind of catalyst brings it to the surface.

Anyway, this is all guess work here. You could find a good therapist (of the psychoanalysis variety) to talk with about this in more depth, so maybe you will get to the heart of what is making you feel this way. Or, you are welcome to continue talking with me about this if you want. I would just keep asking more questions, so we can maybe narrow it down further.
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Old 11-21-2018, 03:24 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NightNotes View Post
Well, I'm not a psychologist, but your phobia may have something to do with how your parents reacted to your emerging sexuality. Your mother pretty much threatened abandonment over it, you were aware of your father's sexual violence towards your mother, and your father vented his sexual frustrations to you at a young age. Sounds like a recipe for some negative feelings about sex.

Could it be that the obscene things you mentioned only "seemed" obscene because your mother made you feel so badly about it?

Your phobia beginning when your daughter was about 7, might have been some kind of protective reaction towards her, since she was getting closer to the age when she would be exposed to peer pressure regarding sex. It is difficult to know how relevant your daughter is in all this, but she very well could have been some kind of trigger. Old, painful feelings will sometimes hide for years, until some kind of catalyst brings it to the surface.

Anyway, this is all guess work here. You could find a good therapist (of the psychoanalysis variety) to talk with about this in more depth, so maybe you will get to the heart of what is making you feel this way. Or, you are welcome to continue talking with me about this if you want. I would just keep asking more questions, so we can maybe narrow it down further.


Well I started having sexual thoughts about mother figure types when I was 8 years old and other children. My mom didnt know about that but I drew privates on dolls, simulated oral with animals and dolls, humped my much younger sister. Mainly what she was pissed about was my anxiety around sexual topics and the fact I cussed her out and flicked her off and said some dirty things like I want to touch that womans breast in a mean tone and thst I wanted to give my father oral. I also said I wanted to die. Therapy didnt help so then I was taken to the orphanage. I promised I would be better but I never got better in my mind just acted better. I didnt want to be in an orphange of course.
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Old 11-21-2018, 04:48 PM   #20
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That is awful that she put you in an orphanage.

In my opinion, I think that something abusive happened to you before or close to 8 years old, and this could be repressed out of memory. And, your mother's rejection - putting you in the orphanage - possibly fixated you to this obsessional phase and the later phobias.

Contamination is the current theme. So, I'm wondering who contaminated you to begin with. I'm using contamination in the sense that you were abused by someone. Your phobia sounds like a desperate urge to get rid of something that contaminated or abused you long ago, even though you've lost awareness of what this is.
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