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Old 09-23-2018, 09:03 AM   #1
eldub
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Default I'm disgusted by what arouses me, any advice to start changing this?

Hi there. Im a 29yr old female and I get aroused by things that I find shameful and involve loss of control, like bdsm or same sex intercourse.
I've known since I was 10 that I have these tendencies but I've never acted on them (I tried to do some bdsm with my ex bf but I ended up unable to communicate what I wanted and found myself self loathing, disgusted and less attracted to him as he is slightly masochistic like myself). I also suffer from social anxiety and have never felt comfortable enough to really put myself out there, even asking for vanilla sex I find excruciatingly embarrassing.
I want to get past my own self hatred and anxiety and enjoy sex, but how do I do this with a shy personality (at least sexually) with such out there needs?
Has anyone ever been in the same situation? I'm quite confused and have never explored these thoughts of mine properly so any comment or input is very welcome! Cheers
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Old 09-24-2018, 01:17 PM   #2
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I'm sorry I can't be of help with regard to this. However here are links to 11 articles, from PsychCentral's archives. The first 4 deal with how to manage social anxiety, shyness & self-consciousness. The next 2 talk about addressing social anxiety, & anxiety in general, via meditation. Then there are 3 articles that discuss embarrassment. And, finally, there is one article that talks about what to do when you feel awful about yourself plus one that offers tips on how to raise your self esteem. Perhaps there will be some suggestions in these articles that will be of some help:

Social Anxiety Overview

6 Ways to Overcome Social Anxiety

7 Ways to Overcome Shyness and Social Anxiety

How to Be Less Self-Conscious

Treating Social Anxiety With Meditation and Mindfulness Training

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-me...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-ps...embarrassment/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...embarrassment/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-t...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...elf-regularly/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-sugg...ve-depression/

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Old 10-23-2018, 11:32 PM   #3
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Default Re: I'm disgusted by what arouses me, any advice to start changing this?

Interest in BDSM is not uncommon, and there's nothing non-vanilla or weird about gay sex. Some mild BDSM stuff is so common and tame that it might as well be considered vanilla... e.g. spanking, light choking, restraints. There are so many weird fetishes, maybe just be glad that you don't have anything really far out and rare? lol. There are plenty of potential partners out there who want the same things and aren't going to judge you, in fact they'll love it!

It's a tough one, because what's going on is several probably deep issues about self esteem, social anxiety, shame, being uncomfortable with sexuality. The most obvious first step would be therapy, maybe even one who specifically deals with sexual issues. Also books and online communities, sex-positive stuff.
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Old 11-13-2018, 03:07 PM   #4
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Default Re: I'm disgusted by what arouses me, any advice to start changing this?

Hello,

First of all, as others have said, there's nothing wrong with interest in BDSM or same-sex intercourse. In fact, as far as "fetishes" go, those are among the most common. Also agree that therapy may be a good place for you to begin. I also think that more exposure to those interests and the people who practice them might be helpful for you to overcome the "taboo" and see that it's actually fairly common and there are ways to express those feelings which are safe and healthy.

My best suggestion would be to seek out exposure to those communities in whatever capacity you're comfortable with (online might be a good place to start for overcoming your shyness). In my experience, you will come to find that people who you would consider to just be normal people (even shy people, awkward people, parents, teachers, *therapists*, etc) have these (and even more "out there") interests; BDSM is a relatively common fetish and it's also very common for people to explore same-sex intercourse even if they don't identify as being homosexual. I think it might be healthy for you to get to know the community (either in person or online) and maybe they can help you overcome some of your shy-ness and self-loathing. Perhaps seeking this out will help to normalize these feelings for you and help you come to terms with your own interests.

Quick note: some of these groups, especially in larger cities, offer classes on consent and BDSM safety that I think are immensely important for individuals who are learning about these topics. Be wary of predatory "doms" who seek out inexperienced "subs".

Good luck!
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Old 11-13-2018, 10:02 PM   #5
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Default Re: I'm disgusted by what arouses me, any advice to start changing this?

Keep in mind that your current sexuality is a window into your current hopes, desires, fears, and inner struggles. It is YOU being expressed sexually, even though it is not just about sex. This is an opportunity for you to get to know yourself in more depth.

Think of your libido as an amplifier of all that is you right now...showing you things about yourself that you usually don't notice as much. For example, your current loss of control fantasies are very likely pointing out something about how you feel "right now" in other aspects of your life or about something that occurred in your past that requires some kind of closure or healing - most likely regarding control issues or the balance of power within your past and/or current relationships and how this has been affecting you.

The most important thing is to be gentle with yourself and accept yourself as you are right now. Most likely, how you feel sexually right now will change over the years, as you change as a person and evolve through your various experiences, sexual and otherwise.
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Old 12-05-2018, 05:11 AM   #6
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Default Re: I'm disgusted by what arouses me, any advice to start changing this?

I know you are not the only one with these feelings; I also have some too but in a different way. Due to a few surgeries down in "man land" to correct prior birth defects I have lost some sensations. Couple that with an aging body and 40 + years of marriage, one needs to find new ways to be turned on. For me the fact is many of those ideas are outside of my comfort zone. In other words, things I suggested for my wife and I to try a while back that were once and shamed are now getting a second look. The problem is I blocked those thoughts from my mind years ago never to consider them again, i.e. off limits. I will admit we were never what one would call adventuresome in the bedroom. No talking, just do it. Missionary, once in a while doggy and no oral. Now we are in a phase of our marriage when communication is urgently needed. We haven't had intercourse in about 10 years because of my ED and wife being post menopausal. I feel very uncomfortable because of shame for my prior thoughts and suggestions. Talk about turning off sex drive....shame does that. I am seeing a counselor and hopefully going somewhere with this. I hope you can find some answers. As counselors will tell you that brain is the largest sex organ and many issues start there.
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Old 12-05-2018, 03:51 PM   #7
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Default Re: I'm disgusted by what arouses me, any advice to start changing this?

Okay, I have a few books for everybody that feels this way about feeling disgusting. My passion in philosophy is philosophy of psychology and mind, and the psych of sex is really imperative for us all to understand.

So I suggest reading 2 books:
1) Perv
2) Sex at Dawn

75% of us are sexual deviants, it's no big deal, but we're often drawn by novelty. Also, our sexuality makes an imprint from ages 5-9 that can impact your sex life for the rest of your life. Also, our culture of sex, of what is okay and not okay is very relative and fluxes from place to place. I would say our sexuality is the most varied thing about human beings. There is no universal thing about human sexuality. Also, for those people who suffer shame and guilt, just now that the Greek myth of cupid can be a son of a ***** and strikes us when we are young and we really have no say in it, and that can have a controlling factor for the rest of your life as you pass the "imprint" stage. Sex should really be loked at amorally with a scientific lens I believe--I mean as as long as you're not hurting anyone and they are of consenting age of course.


This disgust the original poster feels is something that is very trending. The author of Perv grew up and foudn out he was gay, and this was in a time of when republicans were not just negligent of aids, but they cheered it on because it got rid of the people they hated because of some silly book (bible). To be gay was a mental disorder nearly 30 years ago! We've come a long way now with the LGBTQ people fighting like hell to get equal rights to marry and not be discriminated against.


Be easy on yourself, have some self-compassion. remember 75% of us are sexual deviants. I'm a guy, and I've never found a guy that wasn't a perv lol. Some of my best friends are into strange kinks.
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Old 12-15-2018, 12:12 AM   #8
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Wink Re: I'm disgusted by what arouses me, any advice to start changing this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eldub View Post
Hi there. Im a 29yr old female and I get aroused by things that I find shameful and involve loss of control, like bdsm or same sex intercourse.
I've known since I was 10 that I have these tendencies but I've never acted on them (I tried to do some bdsm with my ex bf but I ended up unable to communicate what I wanted and found myself self loathing, disgusted and less attracted to him as he is slightly masochistic like myself). I also suffer from social anxiety and have never felt comfortable enough to really put myself out there, even asking for vanilla sex I find excruciatingly embarrassing.
I want to get past my own self hatred and anxiety and enjoy sex, but how do I do this with a shy personality (at least sexually) with such out there needs?
Has anyone ever been in the same situation? I'm quite confused and have never explored these thoughts of mine properly so any comment or input is very welcome! Cheers
Try some meditation to see exactly where these fears are coming from, and, most importantly, be kind and gentle with yourself. You are only human, and everyone has a different idea of what is "ok".
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