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Old 07-13-2018, 09:17 PM   #1
Zararose
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Default Are we not sexually compatible? Is there such a thing?

I'm in my second long term relationship. I love him but something isn't working in the bedroom. I think we both have depression so that doesn't help us either.. I definitely have anxiety. He possibly does too. It wasn't until I started this second relationship, that it hit me hard that people want different things from sex.
My first boyfriend ( early 20s) had a high sex drive and gave anything a try. He had a stronger /more aggressive personality so I played a very submissive role in our sex life.. which I'm missing at the moment but, back then, I really wanted to be able to stand up to him and say no.

I have to go into some detail so I apologize. Given the sensitive nature I can't (won't ) talk about this with friends /family.

I like passionate kissing. I enjoy foreplay, oral sex -sometimes even more than vaginal sex. I'm not put off by saliva, odour, tastes ..anything. i find my boyfriend very sexy but I don't think he enjoys these things. When I try to extend out our kiss he pulls away. He never gives me oral ( maybe twice in our 1.5 years together. I've become really conscious of myself!! I'm worried that my breath smells, my body isn't sexy enough, I look 'weird' down there, I'm too hairy. Ive had lazer hair removal to remove hair down there., i always make sure im shaved and washed but he never wants to go near it).

He was in a relationship/Marriage before me. I sometimes wonder what their sex life was like... if they satisfied each other. he wants me to use my vibrator during sex which makes me think she used that to pleasure herself. I don't want that.. I'd much rather connect with him.

As soon as he's hard he just wants vaginal sex and if I don't climax through vaginal sex then I don't climax at all ( he will climax but sex will finish there and we will go to sleep - he doesn't ask if I want anything..). I find it very difficult climaxing this way and without foreplay/build up it ends up being painful.

The other day we were both turned on and ready but we had no condom so it just ended there. I asked if he wanted oral sex instead but he said no.

I've realised I can't take on a submissive role like my last relationship. I've started to verbalize things more... what I like him doing to me/with me, what he feels like and tastes like. I would love for him to ask what I want but he doesn't 😔

I enjoy masturbating more now.. I've even masturbated quietly while he's been sleeping next to me. At one point I was even fantasizing about someone else (I felt terrible). Sometimes i even fantasize about my own boyfriend doing crazy stuff with me!!

I'm not sure what else do it. Even just kissing him passionately would satisfy me but I don't think he likes my saliva.
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Old 07-16-2018, 08:47 PM   #2
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Default Re: Are we not sexually compatible? Is there such a thing?

It is definitely possible to love someone and be sexually incompatible. What you describe is exactly how my 30 year marriage is. I ended up having an affair but have chosen to stay in my marriage. Even though he knows about the affair not much has changed in the bedroom. You need to figure out what your priorities are. I'm with him because I know I won't find a much better man than him and he truly loves me. He has just always had a much lower sex drive than me.
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Old 07-20-2018, 11:58 PM   #3
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Default Re: Are we not sexually compatible? Is there such a thing?

Was he okay with you having an affair?

I think Intimacy is really important to me otherwise it's like we're just two friends who cuddle and have pet names for each other.
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Old 08-01-2018, 08:30 PM   #4
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Default Re: Are we not sexually compatible? Is there such a thing?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zararose View Post
I'm in my second long term relationship. I love him but something isn't working in the bedroom. I think we both have depression so that doesn't help us either.. I definitely have anxiety. He possibly does too. It wasn't until I started this second relationship, that it hit me hard that people want different things from sex.
My first boyfriend ( early 20s) had a high sex drive and gave anything a try. He had a stronger /more aggressive personality so I played a very submissive role in our sex life.. which I'm missing at the moment but, back then, I really wanted to be able to stand up to him and say no.

I have to go into some detail so I apologize. Given the sensitive nature I can't (won't ) talk about this with friends /family.

I like passionate kissing. I enjoy foreplay, oral sex -sometimes even more than vaginal sex. I'm not put off by saliva, odour, tastes ..anything. i find my boyfriend very sexy but I don't think he enjoys these things. When I try to extend out our kiss he pulls away. He never gives me oral ( maybe twice in our 1.5 years together. I've become really conscious of myself!! I'm worried that my breath smells, my body isn't sexy enough, I look 'weird' down there, I'm too hairy. Ive had lazer hair removal to remove hair down there., i always make sure im shaved and washed but he never wants to go near it).

He was in a relationship/Marriage before me. I sometimes wonder what their sex life was like... if they satisfied each other. he wants me to use my vibrator during sex which makes me think she used that to pleasure herself. I don't want that.. I'd much rather connect with him.

As soon as he's hard he just wants vaginal sex and if I don't climax through vaginal sex then I don't climax at all ( he will climax but sex will finish there and we will go to sleep - he doesn't ask if I want anything..). I find it very difficult climaxing this way and without foreplay/build up it ends up being painful.

The other day we were both turned on and ready but we had no condom so it just ended there. I asked if he wanted oral sex instead but he said no.

I've realised I can't take on a submissive role like my last relationship. I've started to verbalize things more... what I like him doing to me/with me, what he feels like and tastes like. I would love for him to ask what I want but he doesn't 😔

I enjoy masturbating more now.. I've even masturbated quietly while he's been sleeping next to me. At one point I was even fantasizing about someone else (I felt terrible). Sometimes i even fantasize about my own boyfriend doing crazy stuff with me!!

I'm not sure what else do it. Even just kissing him passionately would satisfy me but I don't think he likes my saliva.
I'm going to write a more detailed response when I get on my computer but I feel your pain. You might also expect a PM from me - just a heads up.
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Old 08-29-2018, 07:49 AM   #5
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Default Re: Are we not sexually compatible? Is there such a thing?

Yes, of course
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Old 08-29-2018, 11:50 AM   #6
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Default Re: Are we not sexually compatible? Is there such a thing?

There is definitely such a thing as sexual compatibility, and it sounds like your relationship is really lacking that. That sounds really frustrating! I'm sorry you're going through that.


It's okay if that's a deal-breaker for you. It sounds like the relationship is okay otherwise, but lack of communication around sex can be a sign of other communication issues, too. It's good that you're being less passive about what you want, though! Keep that up!
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Old 09-05-2018, 06:36 AM   #7
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Default Re: Are we not sexually compatible? Is there such a thing?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zararose View Post
Was he okay with you having an affair?

I think Intimacy is really important to me otherwise it's like we're just two friends who cuddle and have pet names for each other.

He wasn't okay with it. He still struggles with it. He was determined to leave for a while. But, in the end, we got therapy and he learned more about BP. He has proven he loves me selflessly and he is an anchor for me.
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