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Old 03-11-2018, 02:43 PM   #1
Wiggle118
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Default New here...lesbian in heterosexual relationship

Hi,

Just wanted to introduce myself to this area of the forum.

Anyone else gay and in a long-term heterosexual relationship?

I started questioning about three years ago. My relationship wasn't in a good place and still isn't. I couldn't leave due to being a stay-at-home-mum and having no way to support myself. I worked hard to get a job, spent a lot of time training, but now it's all going wrong. I might be jobless and dependent on my partner within weeks.

I started seeing a therapist at the beginning of the year with the intension of taking steps toward separating from my partner, but I've just ended that. My therapist seemed to think everything going wrong came back to my home life and kept suggesting that I left my partner with or without a job. We were going around in circles. I felt that she was frustrated with me, so I called an end to it.

I'm feeling lost and stuck at the moment.

Anyone relate? In a similar situation?
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Old 03-11-2018, 06:36 PM   #2
Wild Coyote
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Heart Re: New here...lesbian in heterosexual relationship

Welcome to PC.
I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home here.


I am not in a similar position, yet I have many gay friends.
I can understand you are in a difficult position -- between a rock and a hard place. I am sorry your therapist took such a strong stand, as you will leave your current partner if/when you are ready. It's hard to live without an income, for sure. In addition, it sounds like children are involved. I am sorry about your job. Some of my friends have been in a similar position.

I hope others come along and comment, as well.

My heart goes out to you.

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Last edited by Wild Coyote; 03-11-2018 at 07:19 PM..
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Old 03-11-2018, 08:02 PM   #3
StarsDust
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Default Re: New here...lesbian in heterosexual relationship

hello, welcome to pc ^^
and i'm sorry to here about you're situation
my mom had been in this dependet situation, the marriage was becoming hell and she wanted to leave but she didnt had money to support herself and me so we stayed for years
i kinda know how stuck you feel :c
but you didn't mention what kind of person your partner is, you think he wouldn't support you at all if you tried to talk to him?

anyway i hope everything works out with your jod, or that you find a new and better one soon <3 ~~virtual huugs~~
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Old 03-12-2018, 12:05 PM   #4
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Default Cruising the lines

I will just lay out a sexually theory that I first heard from two qualified counselling therapists who are very wise indeed. I learnt so much from them and their class.
They think that most of us are on a scale between attraction between men and women. So bisexual orientation is obviously very central as they are equally attracted sexually to men and women.
What is interesting is that they said that they thought that as our brain chemistry changes as we age that we quite possibly may have been attracted to one sex but as the brain develops until we are twenty five we quite possiblly move along scale towards a different sex as we develop.
This doesn't rule out that we are born one way and it's the way we are. That is true . Being gay is not a choice but the way we are.
What I am saying is that you should consider that our brain chemistry changes as we get older. So you probably were attracted to your husband.
Even if you have always been gay there is obviously things you like in your spouse.
I am comfortable now and I admit I am gay.
But I HATE the term lesbian. I prefer gay woman.
It's like the grief process coming out as gay. You mourn for the "normal" life you can't have anymore. Sometimes you go through the bargaining stage and say maybe I am bi-sexual and not gay and I am just bi-curious. But then you come to terms with it and realise the only way to be happy Is to be you
It's a long process. Be kind to yourself. Your husband will forgive you and you will forgive yourself. You will both move on. Only you can figure out how to do it. Listen to therapist but they give you the tools. You have to practice using the tools and perfect them. Good luck

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Old 03-12-2018, 03:58 PM   #5
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Default Reality of the situation

You can find another job. You may just have to tighten your belt and accept a iob a little under your ability for a short while. You can support yourself. Call me a dreamer. Call me idealistic. But never stay with some one for financial means.
Do you have parents or sibling who could let you stay until you find somewhere to rent?
Get a flatmate. Or find someone advertising for a lodger . For the in between can someone a friend or family member put you up until your get back to work ?
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Old 03-13-2018, 10:19 AM   #6
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Default Re: New here...lesbian in heterosexual relationship

Regardless of your sexuality, as long as the fact is you are no longer romantically and sexually attracted to your husband and you feel unhappy and unsatisfied with your spousal relationship, you have to get out of it as soon as possible. Why? Because not only are you making yourself unhappy but that actually impacts your child as well in the end, even if you think the child doesn't notice, children are in fact impacted by the "vibes" coming from people around them, the general atmosphere and subtle cues. Secondly, you're also keeping your husband in a sort of limbo.

Now, having said that, of course your socio-economic situation is something to take into account, more so if you fear you might become a single parent(which btw you shouldn't, if your husband is a real father to the child, he should be a father regardless of your relationship, but that's a different matter). It's totally understandable that this has made things more difficult and is keeping you from ending things.

Maybe focus on trying to look for another job, for opportunities that can give you a bit of security, including some of the ideas in the reply above mine. You could try and confide in a friend or relative who you think is likely to be accepting and able to offer some help or advice.

I'll say this, I know many marriages of people even in my own family who stayed together for children or/and money or because of conservative views about marriage and staying in it no matter what. It's not worth it and it's not doing the child any good either.

My own example is telling. When I was 1 year and a half, my father fell for another woman and went to be with her. He and my mom never formally divorced purely cause it was, to them, more beneficial to just stay officially married. When his relationship ended and I was starting school, at the age of 7, they were both making good money and mom thought why not buy a bigger apartment together, for my sake, to have both parents under the same roof. They weren't a couple or anything, just formally married and living in the same house. It didn't help me. My dad was busy anyway and not hands on and he would have given me the same money and time either way. What it did do was keep both of them in a sort of limbo, especially my mom, although she had a couple of relationships during that time. Then they bought a house together to have even more space and make a good investment for my future. He died a year after but that's besides the point. When I was little I didn't fully understand what was going on, of course, but I grew up with a bad example of a relationship because there actually was none. You can raise a child together without being together. My mother's unhappiness rubbed off on me without her ever actually venting or doing anything like that, a lonely, unhappy person is different from one with a healthy relationship and happier life and that is important for the child as well.

Gay or not, your core issue is that this is not the right partner for you and this relationship is not doing you mentally and emotionally any good. I see you're from the UK, which means you're already in one of the more liberal, progressive thinking places in the world so that's one positive aspect. You could be bisexual, you could be lesbian, you could be bi but more into women, either of them is perfectly fine. Plus, you deserve to be happy, to find the right partner, to enjoy live as much as you can and have the relationships you wish to have.
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