Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > >


Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-01-2017, 08:17 PM   #1
ikkusiosi
Newly Joined
ikkusiosi has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Unhappy Was my sexual behavior as a child normal? What does it mean?

I didn't know where to put this since there isn't a childhood sexual behavior forum, but complex PTSD is one of my main struggles, and I think this is something that's been making it worse. I'm a girl. I've been feeling very guilty and thinking about this a lot lately. When I was a child (I can't remember exactly what age it started, but definitely before age 9) I remember having very sexual thoughts and frequently masturbating in the shower. I would lay down on the shower floor, put the shower head on the jet mode with it pointed between my legs (just in general- I didn’t know my anatomy very well yet), and turn the water as hot as I could stand it. I’d pretend I was being tied up and kidnapped or used as a slave. All my fantasies were violent. I don’t think I ever had a real orgasm until a few years later, I would just stop when my body got physically overwhelmed. When I was 9 or 10, I started putting Q-tips inside my vagina and clothespins or other clips on my very undeveloped, non-existent nipples. I also remember watching violent pornography and reading BDSM-fantasy books. Around the same time, my brother (who’s the same age as me) and I would occasionally engage in sexual experimentation where he would tie me up and we’d rub against each other (fully clothed). I can’t remember how many times it happened, maybe 2, maybe 200, or who initiated it (it was consensual, and I wanted to be tied up). All I know is we eventually stopped (The only thing that worries me is that once, when my brother was 14 or 15, I caught him tying my half-sister (5) to her bed and watching her escape, as a game. He didn’t touch her and she was into it, but it made me uneasy and I put a stop to it.). It worries me that can’t remember how I was first exposed to sexually violent behavior. My parents divorced when I was young and my father spent a lot of time partying, which my brother and I often got drug into when we went to visit him. My mom spent a lot of time educating us on what to do if a grown-up touches you inappropriately and how our bodies belong to us. I know she suspects some form of sexual abuse during my childhood, and says I always stuttered and sucked my thumb more for a few weeks after coming back from my dad’s, but I feel certain I would’ve told someone or I would remember something (I was a very smart and aware child, and I always knew when things weren’t quite right). I just know I'd remember. I just want to know why I would’ve behaved that way at such an early age, what is and isn’t normal, and what it might mean about me. Is there something wrong with me?
ikkusiosi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-02-2017, 08:17 PM   #2
Skeezyks
Apparition
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: L'Etoile du Nord
Posts: 16,656 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: Was my sexual behavior as a child normal? What does it mean?

Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
3 yr Member
12.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Re: Was my sexual behavior as a child normal? What does it mean?

Hello ikkusiosi: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

With regard to your particular concerns, I think the best thing I can suggest is that you consider talking all of this through at length with a therapist. It may take a few tries to find one you feel comfortable with. (Not every therapist works well with every client.) And it will likely take time to figure out what all of this means to you. But, in the end, it may be the best way to finally put this into perspective & to put it to rest.

I don't think it's possible to say what is & isn't normal with regard to this sort of thing. Children experiment with their sexuality in a variety of ways well before they understand what it's all about. I will just share with you that when I was a child (many decades ago now) I did some very bizarre things some of which even extended into my teenage years. I still don't exactly understand what was going on with me. (And way back then, there simply wasn't the access to mental health services there is today.) So what you describe in your post sounds pretty tame to me. I don't believe there is anything wrong with you. Assuming you were not the victim of some sexual abuse you cannot recall, you were simply a child doing the kinds of things children do. All is well.

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!
__________________
Speak only if you can improve upon the silence.
Skeezyks is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-03-2017, 12:57 AM   #3
Anonymous50025
Guest
Anonymous50025 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Mentioned: Post(s)
Tagged: Thread(s)
Default Re: Was my sexual behavior as a child normal? What does it mean?

Ikky,

I only discovered in the past 10 years that not every child was sexually active by the age of 5. At 7 my 13-year-old cousin began having sex with me and I never thought to complain of it because it felt so god-damned good. My evil step-mother seduced me when I was 15 and, yes, I could have stopped that but it felt so god-damned good so I kept quiet.

I feel as though I had a rich childhood sexuality - I experimented with binder clips on my nipples as I sodomized any boy who slept over (and initiated being sodomized, as well). My fantasies, circa 10-years-of-age, were violent, too, but I dreamt of whipping the genitals of my female lovers with a lariat purchased at the local ‘cowboy store’.

In other conversations, here, we all tend to agree that “nothing is normal,” so I would not question your sexual experiences based upon someone else’s morality play. I don’t question my childhood perversity and I do not believe that my thoughts and actions were the result of some repressed memories coming out to haunt me.

People like you and me retained our polymorphous perversity longer than most others, maybe. And then came puberty. I do not believe that there is a boogie man behind childhood sexuality, just that some got it and some ain’t.
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-04-2017, 09:40 PM   #4
Tangerine87
Member
Tangerine87 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Posts: 419
My Mood: Was my sexual behavior as a child normal? What does it mean?

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
5 yr Member
10 hugs
given
Default Re: Was my sexual behavior as a child normal? What does it mean?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ikkusiosi View Post
I didn't know where to put this since there isn't a childhood sexual behavior forum, but complex PTSD is one of my main struggles, and I think this is something that's been making it worse. I'm a girl. I've been feeling very guilty and thinking about this a lot lately. When I was a child (I can't remember exactly what age it started, but definitely before age 9) I remember having very sexual thoughts and frequently masturbating in the shower. I would lay down on the shower floor, put the shower head on the jet mode with it pointed between my legs (just in general- I didn’t know my anatomy very well yet), and turn the water as hot as I could stand it. I’d pretend I was being tied up and kidnapped or used as a slave. All my fantasies were violent. I don’t think I ever had a real orgasm until a few years later, I would just stop when my body got physically overwhelmed. When I was 9 or 10, I started putting Q-tips inside my vagina and clothespins or other clips on my very undeveloped, non-existent nipples. I also remember watching violent pornography and reading BDSM-fantasy books. Around the same time, my brother (who’s the same age as me) and I would occasionally engage in sexual experimentation where he would tie me up and we’d rub against each other (fully clothed). I can’t remember how many times it happened, maybe 2, maybe 200, or who initiated it (it was consensual, and I wanted to be tied up). All I know is we eventually stopped (The only thing that worries me is that once, when my brother was 14 or 15, I caught him tying my half-sister (5) to her bed and watching her escape, as a game. He didn’t touch her and she was into it, but it made me uneasy and I put a stop to it.). It worries me that can’t remember how I was first exposed to sexually violent behavior. My parents divorced when I was young and my father spent a lot of time partying, which my brother and I often got drug into when we went to visit him. My mom spent a lot of time educating us on what to do if a grown-up touches you inappropriately and how our bodies belong to us. I know she suspects some form of sexual abuse during my childhood, and says I always stuttered and sucked my thumb more for a few weeks after coming back from my dad’s, but I feel certain I would’ve told someone or I would remember something (I was a very smart and aware child, and I always knew when things weren’t quite right). I just know I'd remember. I just want to know why I would’ve behaved that way at such an early age, what is and isn’t normal, and what it might mean about me. Is there something wrong with me?
Sounds like you have a lot of trauma. I hope you are working with a therapist.
This isn't normal for any child to experience.
Tangerine87 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-04-2017, 11:57 PM   #5
winter loneliness
Grand Member
 
winter loneliness's Avatar
winter loneliness contemplative
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: barren wasteland
Posts: 969
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
236 hugs
given
Default Re: Was my sexual behavior as a child normal? What does it mean?

Have you ever asked your family if you experienced anything non-consensual? I am not saying that anything happened.But maybe you were exposed to something violent or unwanted.
__________________
"I get knocked down, but I get up again..."

Bipolar 1
winter loneliness is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-05-2017, 05:02 AM   #6
Anonymous50909
Guest
Anonymous50909 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Mentioned: Post(s)
Tagged: Thread(s)
Default Re: Was my sexual behavior as a child normal? What does it mean?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tangerine87 View Post
Sounds like you have a lot of trauma. I hope you are working with a therapist.
This isn't normal for any child to experience.
I disagree with this. I think that from reading Ikkusiosi's post, it is not clear to her (or me) whether she experienced trauma. She may have, but may not have.

Ikkusiosi, a lot of children experiment and have their own way of expressing their sexuality. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. To have your mother though, think that your father sexually abused you, and for you to not remember it that way (but at the same time, wondering why she thought that?), and to be questioning your own sexual behaviors as a child... I can see how all of that would make you confused and question what the heck is / was going on.
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-05-2017, 06:39 AM   #7
Anonymous50025
Guest
Anonymous50025 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Mentioned: Post(s)
Tagged: Thread(s)
Default Re: Was my sexual behavior as a child normal? What does it mean?

Quote:
Originally Posted by starrysky View Post
I disagree with this. I think that from reading Ikkusiosi's post, it is not clear to her (or me) whether she experienced trauma. She may have, but may not have.

Ikkusiosi, a lot of children experiment and have their own way of expressing their sexuality. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. To have your mother though, think that your father sexually abused you, and for you to not remember it that way (but at the same time, wondering why she thought that?), and to be questioning your own sexual behaviors as a child... I can see how all of that would make you confused and question what the heck is / was going on.
We don’t want to think that children are sexually active, though. That spoils the idea of the innocence of childhood. If a child exhibits any kind of sexual behaviour, then it’s believed that he or she must have been abused by an adult. We don’t - or can’t - bestow sexuality on 5-year-olds or 9-year-olds and only barely admit that the pubescent might be sexually active: we can only sit back and say that puberty is a time of confusing sexual thought.

Maybe this is what the OP’s mother believes: that a 9-year-old engaging in sexual curiosity and behaviour indicates that her daughter must have been abused.

I don’t know much about childhood sexuality beyond my own experiences and what friends have shared. I’m not even sure how to differentiate between ‘childhood’ and ‘sexually active childhood,’ although I believe that we should recognize pre-pubescent sexuality as something real. And, damn it, recognize that some children think of, fantasize about, and engage in sexual behavior long before puberty.
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-05-2017, 06:50 AM   #8
Anonymous50025
Guest
Anonymous50025 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Mentioned: Post(s)
Tagged: Thread(s)
Default Re: Was my sexual behavior as a child normal? What does it mean?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tangerine87 View Post
Sounds like you have a lot of trauma. I hope you are working with a therapist.
This isn't normal for any child to experience.
Hooey.

Where is this trauma? Childhood sexuality isn’t ‘normal’?

Experiencing trauma requires one who traumatizes and I do not see a traumatizing character in the OP’s message.

And, if you are opining that childhood sexuality isn’t ‘normal’ that is a hot and steaming pile of fresh bull shite.
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-05-2017, 08:13 AM   #9
winter loneliness
Grand Member
 
winter loneliness's Avatar
winter loneliness contemplative
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: barren wasteland
Posts: 969
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
236 hugs
given
Default Re: Was my sexual behavior as a child normal? What does it mean?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ciderguy View Post
Hooey.

Where is this trauma? Childhood sexuality isn’t ‘normal’?

Experiencing trauma requires one who traumatizes and I do not see a traumatizing character in the OP’s message.

And, if you are opining that childhood sexuality isn’t ‘normal’ that is a hot and steaming pile of fresh bull shite.
What do you think has caused her "kinks"? trauma or just wiring?
__________________
"I get knocked down, but I get up again..."

Bipolar 1
winter loneliness is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-06-2017, 12:34 AM   #10
Anonymous50025
Guest
Anonymous50025 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Mentioned: Post(s)
Tagged: Thread(s)
Default Re: Was my sexual behavior as a child normal? What does it mean?

Quote:
Originally Posted by winter loneliness View Post
What do you think has caused her "kinks"? trauma or just wiring?
I can only answer for myself. No trauma at all - not wiring, either. I am a product of my experiences and imagination and I can blend and parse both to see my kinks in infancy.

I did a little reading on childhood sexuality today and, well, there is nothing there, really, because the subject is so very taboo. The two or three 20th-century studies are weak and prejudicial. They seem to begin with the presumption that active sexuality during the Freudian ‘latency’ period must have a previous trauma attached, although that isn’t the case in more primitive societies.

If I agree - and I do - that there exists no normalcy, then I must say the same for ‘kinks.’ Is there a normal kinkiness? A kinky norm?

What we might find kinky in others means, too, that others might find us kinky. That we share kinks with, usually, many others - and have for hundreds of years - supports the idea that ‘kinks’ did not only rise with the current pervasiveness of pornography but is a result of some experiential commonality that ties pleasure to pain and pain to pleasure, as just one example.

Time for bed!
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:37 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp


 
Helplines and Lifelines