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Unread 06-21-2017, 08:19 AM   #1
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This is just a check in, and background. This is me thinking out loud. It's long.

I think I've always known about pornography. I saw magazines when I was 13-14, but never saw anything that explicit again for years. I used to fantasize and masturbate to women in ads and fitness magazines as a teen.

I didn't drink, I didn't party, I worked all the time at jobs and at school since I was 15. I was an athlete and made good grades. I think sexual fantasies were my outlet. I think they were my way to relax and feel good. Those teen years were hard for a lot of reasons in my family, and I think I kind of self-medicated with sex fantasies and masturbation.

I always had girlfriends... Willing girlfriends. I was strong, fit, and a good kid. But living in a Christian community we always abstained from sex. There was a lot of good stuff other than intercourse, but never to orgasm.

In university I would rent explicit movies, never X rated, but explicit, and masturbate to the explicit scenes. This wasn't a regular thing. Maybe once every 1-2 weeks or more. I especially did this after a very stressful time, like finals week, as it relaxed me and helped me sleep.

I met my wife in university, and she was a classic Christian "good girl" which I wanted. I think I was intimidated by more experienced girls. It was while we were dating that I learned about internet porn for the first time. I'd look at some stuff every once in a while, and I was drawn to it, but again, it would be weeks in between doing something like that.

We never had sex while dating or engaged. I thought I was going to lose my mind. She was the prettiest girl I'd ever known, and the best person I'd ever known. I wanted her so deeply.

I had expected sex to be everywhere once we were married, but it didn't happen. Looking back, I can say I didn't romance her. To be honest, I didn't know how, or even consider I had to. Other girls had always been very willing with me and it was often me holding them back from going further. Here, with my wife, I felt it was almost impossible for us to have sex.

In talking in recent years, she said she always felt it was only physical for me. I think it was more physical for me than for her, but I also deeply wanted the connection, release, and closeness of sex. And yes, closeness can happen after 69'ing and doggy style sex. In fact, I never feel as close as I do after really physical sex.

In our early years she wanted missionary intercourse, nothing more. She didn't want foreplay, it was like, just get it over with. She hated giving or receiving oral. She says she felt too vulnerable, and I didn't do enough to make myself vulnerable during those times, or to make her feel cherished, or set the stage for sex. Did we fight? Oh yes. Was I a jerk at times? Yes, definitely. I complained about sex and sexual performance while we were still naked in bed together. I argued with her about sex all the time. This made her feel terrible. It came from a place of me feeling so unbelievably rejected by my wife, but it also deepened the divide between us. I actually feel loved by my wife when we've had passionate sex. This is the most loved I feel.

After a year of our sex lives not flourishing, and having sex very rarely, I turned to porn as an outlet. I figured, we're never going to have a sex life, and this will be my outlet. I lied to her blatantly to cover up what I was doing.

My resentment for her grew during those years. I felt so, so unwanted by my wife, and so angry that she wouldn't give me the sex I'd waited to have. We went for 6 months at a time, a year at a time without any intimacy, and no interest from her.

After several years of this, our marriage was in a bad place and we entered counseling. During counseling she found my browser history and some of this stuff came out. I lied and told her that was all of it. Months later she found more browser history.

I can look now and say that the porn did the following:
- it fostered my resentment. I should have been more vulnerable and worked more with my wife to grow our sex life early in our marriage.

- it made sex shallow, and my wife didn't feel a connection from me when we had sex.

- it made me expect glowing praise for my manliness when we had sex, just like in those fantasies.

- it made me feel like more of a beta. Porn and masturbation... That doesn't make you feel like an alpha, but I did it because I didn't think I had another outlet, and also because I was drawn to it more and more. Porn became my anti-anxiety drug. I was doing this stuff every day for a while, then a couple of times a week.

- it cheapened sex for her. She feels disgusting to be with me.

- it ruined my marriage. I ruined my marriage.

Since all this came to light a few years back, my wife and I went through a period of an outstanding sex life for about 6 months, then it stopped. She ultimately has said that she can't reconcile herself with what I did, that I lied so blatantly and risked our marriage so much, that I in some way was part of the exploitation of women. She can't bring herself to be attracted to me. She can't risk being vulnerable to me. She finds me sexually repugnant... All the things I believed she felt for years is now here openly. That was years ago, and she is as angry today as she was back then. Her pain hasn't diminished at all.

And today, I'm still using some explicit material. We've had sex a couple of times in the past 4 years. Most days I look at some bikini or lingerie pictures or videos. I masturbate a couple of times a week, never to an image or video, just as a means of release.

My wife says she loves me, but we'll never have a sexual relationship. I still believe that if I had an outlet at home and felt physically close to my wife, I wouldn't be drawn to this stuff. When we were (briefly) physical, I had no problem keeping my attention at home, and setting the stage for romance, and being close after. It was what I wanted.

She says I am a porn addict, and that I need to be in therapy. I don't know what to do. I think I use images as a release and a bit of anti-anxiety therapy. I also think that if someone is hungry all the time and can't get any food, you can't call them a food addict. I don't want to lead an asexual life.

We have 3 boys. I don't want to be the dad who turned to porn, ruined his marriage, then left his family. I also don't want to live my life like this. Her anger for me, her pain, is soooo overwhelming. Any physical comment will elicit a barrage of pain and anger that can last days. I told her her boobs looked good in her sports bra last week. I also said, in a moment when we were close, how connected I felt to her when we were having passionate sex. That anger has been overflowing all this week, because I made physical sexual comments to her and she doesn't want me. She can barely look at me.
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Unread 06-21-2017, 02:32 PM   #2
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Well, I looked at a few lingerie pictures today. No couples, no nudity. Things are super stressful at home. My wife is strongly considering separating. Like I said, even recently, times when she and I have been intimate have left me with no desire to look elsewhere. I know she wants me to accept the full blame for all the pain I caused in our marriage, but I really think her recollections aren't all fully accurate. Yes, I got angry about sex at times when we were still naked. I was openly refused sex multiple times after we were undressed and were in bed. My rejection was real too. I was asked to penetrate her and get it over with before she was lubricated, and without using lube, and then she complained that I made her bleed every time we were together for the first few years of marriage.

When we were together, and things were good, I had no desire to look elsewhere. I've always loved her and been attracted to her. I hate what I've done in the past, and what I continue to do. I also fight against feelings of resentment because for all I did wrong, it wasn't just me.
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Unread 06-21-2017, 03:49 PM   #3
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Hello RDMercer: I don't really have any advice for you here. I simply wanted to leave a reply letting you know I read your posts & I wish you... & your wife... well...
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Unread 06-21-2017, 09:53 PM   #4
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Hi RD Mercer,

I feel quite sad for both you and your wife when I read your posts. It must be a horrible situation for both of you and I don't think either of you are to blame. Because of your strong Christian up-brining both of you spent your younger years in ignorance as to what a real loving relationship could be like. You were probably told that sex was merely for procreation and not a form of enjoyment which can enrich a relationship.

Looking in magazines & masturbating is all a part of self discovery for a young boy, but sadly the internet has given many men the wrong idea about sex. They then go into relationships with a twisted view of what is expected from them and their wife.

She on the other-hand would have been taught to be chaste and any sexual thoughts would be considered 'dirty' & sinful. I'm sure you know all this but I want you to understand that I know where you are both coming from.

Have you considered starting from the beginning together? Start romancing her, with dinner dates, and flowers. Treat her to days out together (no children) and let her know that she's the most important person in your life. Don't expect to have sex together during this new 'dating' period. This time is for you to get to know each other again without the background pressure of sex. Do hold hands and lightly cuddle if she will accept that.

This can be the start of a beautiful time ahead for all the family.
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Unread 06-22-2017, 06:54 AM   #5
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I'd like for this to be a beautiful time ahead for my family. My wife is a good person, truly and deeply. She's the only person I've ever wanted to marry. The rejection from her, and my rejection of her, have damaged us so deeply.

Moving forward is terribly hard. She feels she has too much to overcome with this and can't do it. She demands I accept 100% responsibility for our undoing, and admit to a whole host of things such as web cam sex, and trolling craigslist.

I feel I am not 100% to blame for this. I can accept 90%. But I also know that times when she gave herself to me willingly, and we were passionate, my eyes and mind didn't wander for weeks afterwards. And I never went to a web cam site, or looked for singles anywhere. I have never called, texted, sexted, emailed, or flirted with anybody in any way. I looked at pornographic images and videos.

Still, all we can do is work on ourselves. I've cut back from porn to a few lingerie and bikini photos a day, maybe a few times a week, but I'm still lying and telling her I'm doing nothing. I'm going to try to eliminate everything, get my mind completely clear of everything for a while.
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Unread 06-22-2017, 12:04 PM   #6
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I wish you both the best of luck & love in your marriage x
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Unread 06-25-2017, 07:00 AM   #7
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Just checking in. I've got 4 full days in of not looking at anything arousing. Last night I had a very erotica dream about my wife and woke up really horny. Today will be a hard day.
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Unread 06-26-2017, 12:38 PM   #8
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Just checking in again. 5 full days and counting. Today I watched a UFC fight, and rewound to watch the ring girl walk by a second time, so I guess that is something stimulating that is part of my "addiction".

I don't think an addict can stop a behavior cold turkey at will. I've been able to at various times. Without looking at something stimulating, I basically have no sexual life at all. My wife is completely disinterested, and despite what she tells me, I feel that she always was completely disinterested.

I don't want to disrespect her and lie to her, but also don't want to live an asexual life, and there is no sex life with her. At one time, I would have said sex was the most important thing to me; nothing felt as good, or made me feel as close.

Like another poster told me, to keep focusing on what I want to have with her, to focus on my desire for her, to keep trying to win her, will only cause me frustration and inner torment.

I'm just going to focus on being a good man, and focus on what things I can that will bring me some happiness. This is the only life we get.
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Unread 06-28-2017, 11:14 AM   #9
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Well, going on to my 7th day of not viewing anything. Today, at least right now, I want to. Honestly, I feel like I have to give away my sexuality to stay married. I don't think I'm an evil or terrible person. I used to. Now I think I have normal sexual urges and no way to release them.

My wife doesn't think sex has a place outside of love. I think sex in a loving relationship is best, but that sex can be just sex... Physical, intense, and primal. I waited until I was married to basically unleash that desire on my wife but she didn't want it. I still would. She's a sexy woman who doesn't even try to be sexy.
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Unread 06-29-2017, 10:47 AM   #10
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Well, I blew it this morning. I went 7 days, and today was the start of day 8. I went to bed feeling pretty horny, and woke up with a raging erection this morning. That doesn't happen much at my age. I was really aroused. I pulled out my phone, looked at some hot pictures (no nudity, no couples) for a few minutes, put it away, and went to the bathroom to give myself some release.

There was no compulsion this morning. It was actually a feeling of, I'm really, really aroused, and I have no where to go with this urge. The photos revved me up a bit more, and I went and gave myself a break.

Honestly, if my wife had caught me, we'd be arranging for a divorce today.

I'm writing here because I feel a need to be honest with myself on this journey. Again, I'm torn. I don't think a person can walk away from an addiction for days at a time, but, this was risky behavior, which is part of having an addiction... But isn't it normal to want to have sex after 7 days of absolutely nothing???
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