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Old 03-17-2019, 05:05 PM #1
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Default It's now, not then

I'm going through a weird time when my body thinks that I'm back in the darkness of abuse situation. Nothing happening in my mind or emotions, but my body can't be convinced that I'm not back there. I had to go so far into stress, beyond my limits, that my body won't let go now that it's over.

The past three days have been acknowledging that I can't stop this brain-nervous system reaction and trying to slow down and keep stuff very simple. Stop trying to fix it or escape it, do the mininum and eat what is in the cupboard, and sleep when it's time to sleep.

I try to explain to myself all the ways that now is different from then...

It's really hard to know how now is different when my body is reacting as if still in I am still that situation.

Also I am trying to validate that it was tough for a very long time, and this is my opportunity to heal a little bit more of it.

I wanted to write it in Senior's forum because seems that being older means last chance to let go of the stuck things. Not "look at me I'm suffering" but "I admit that I've been through this z million times already and why doesn't it get easier".

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Old 03-17-2019, 06:20 PM #2
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Smile Re: It's now, not then

Thanks for sharing this. When I was younger, I always presumed that, as I aged, I would mellow. But it doesn't seem to be happening that way. My insides churn 24 /7. I don't have anything to be nervous about. But after a lifetime of running on my nerves, so to speak, I think my body simply doesn't know how to function any other way.

I think as we get older we gradually lose the capacity to control things we used to be able to keep under wraps. At least that has been the case with me. I find myself becoming like an old barrel with leaks springing out first here then there. I keep trying to patch the leaks up. But as soon as I get one under control, another one starts to dribble somewhere else. I sometimes begin to wonder at what point the whole barrel will just come apart... much to my embarrassment.

I hope that, in some way, you may yet find the inner peace you seek.
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Old 03-18-2019, 03:50 AM #3
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Default Re: It's now, not then

Thank you Skeezks! It helps to know someone else appreciates the depth of this!!

Theoretically, I am more mellow. I've painstakingly retrained my nervous system one step at a time. Mostly the retraining works, and I see my peers suffering from serious physical illness and feel relatively lucky. That's another thing about being older.

BUT when I get triggered and use my retraining resources, and the triggers go past that... I'm unbelievably ill for a long time. I am relocating - selling my house - and this time the trigger was people lying to me, day in day out, calling me at unexpected times and telling stuff that was obviously "b's". I talked to them about it, and with my solicitor put processes in place where they didn't have much room to manoeuvre, and they kept on calling me and I kept on having to say "no we have an agreement to communicate in writing". Unbelievable how egotistical normal people are. Unbelievable how lying can have the same effect on me as being beaten unconscious day in day out.

I know there is a connection because I was beaten in order to lie, and I wanted to tell the truth, so I was beaten and beaten endlessly until I ended up in the ER room and they resuscitated me.

But really body!!! These people are outside my life - we only have telephone contact - why the freaking big deal?

It's all done and dusted now, but my body won't go back to it's retrained state of calm again. It's delicate to work with this because forcing won't make any difference. Feels like I am called to accept once again on a different level, with compassion. I am trying basic stuff - sending light to the dark places inside in my imagination - slowing down - only doing the absolute necessary - not arguing and not obsessing.

I'm off tomorrow to house-hunt, but I think that I'm coming down with a virus. Hope that my body doesn't go into asthma emergency mode - that would be a crass way of changing modalities.

I'm talking about it because this is unexpected. The one good thing is that physical docs never grasped that trauma can stay in the body far longer than it manifests in terms of flashbacks and emotional reactions. This time I had to get sleeping medication and two docs were "educated" into my reality, and read the notes, and were surprised that they aren't trained adequately.

Sorry going on a bit here because of your kind understanding. My ego seems to be going through another stage of adapting to stuff stored elsewhere in my brain.

Your response has helped me a lot. I am lucky in some respects, bizarre how it seems to say that. I had a grounding before the abuse started, and that left a dissociated "somewhere" memory of having sometime felt ok. Although I was broken systematically, once the whole trauma thing surfaced in my adult life I also knew there was a dissociated "good" self stored somewhere (god knows where) to build on. There is an echo of good as well as bad.

Sometimes I feel "f man this is ridiculous" and the split seems "remarkable" - and there is no over-reaching self to manage it.

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*"Fierce <-> Reality"*

oh god I am struggling today, help me to remember how to stay connected and human!

remember: the nut shell against human predators and my own fear!
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