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Old 01-28-2018, 08:34 AM   #1
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Trig I cut myself for the first time yesterday and I'm so ashamed.

I'm not sure why it happened. I was feeling really low last night and all of a sudden I the thought "I wonder what it'd be like to cut myself" popped into my head. When I'm really low or very anxious (I suffer from both clinical depression as well as several anxiety disorders and I'm also diagnosed with autism) I sometimes think about hurting myself to punish myself but I've never crossed that line until yesterday (well, except for occasionally hitting myself in the head when I get overwhelmed). I had been drinking with a friend a few hours before that so I guess my inhibitions were lowered and when the thought popped into my mind I just got up, went into the kitchen, found a sharp knife and cut myself.

I felt really ashamed right after it happened. Still do. It's about 3:30pm the next day and I've been feeling so ashamed all day. The wound has been stinging all day so it's not like I can forget it's there. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe feeling this way will keep me from engaging in this sort of self-injorious behaviour again. I don't know. At the same time I'm worried it'll be easier to cross the line now that I've already done it once.

Anyway, I wish I had someone to talk to about this but don't feel like I do (well, there are people I could tell but I don't dare to) so I thought I'd write about it and post it here. I'm not sure if I have any questions or anything. Guess I'm just looking for support. I hope this post isn't too stupid.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 01-28-2018, 02:33 PM   #2
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Old 01-29-2018, 12:13 AM   #3
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Default Re: I cut myself for the first time yesterday and I'm so ashamed.

Hugs. Your post is not stupid. The first time I cut, it was a deliberate decision to see if it would lift the emotional pain I was in. That was after years of banging my head, hitting myself, biting etc. I was approaching 25 when I did it.

I'm sorry you're in such pain. You're not alone. If you are on reddit, r/selfharm is a supportive community too.
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Old 02-05-2018, 04:08 AM   #4
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Default Re: I cut myself for the first time yesterday and I'm so ashamed.

Hey, you don't have to feel ashamed about this. Would you blame a friend if they were harming themselves ?

Tbh I tend to hurt myself too, and I know this feeling of self-hate and wanting to punish yourself.. And i know how distressing it is, it breaks my heart to see that you are going through that too
It's not stupid to be open about the issue and seek out for help.. It's actually very brave of you (:

If you want someone to talk to, maybe you can talk to me ? I'll do my best to listen to you and to make you feel understood >-<

anyway, I'm sending you tons of love and wish things will get better for you
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Old 02-11-2018, 04:32 AM   #5
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Default Re: I cut myself for the first time yesterday and I'm so ashamed.

Well, it happened again. Disappointed with myself, though I feel good/relieved about it at the same time (because I feel I deserve to be punished), which is strange. I sort of feel like I should punish myself even more but I won't. Not right now anyway.
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Old 02-11-2018, 05:27 AM   #6
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Default Re: I cut myself for the first time yesterday and I'm so ashamed.

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Well, it happened again. Disappointed with myself, though I feel good/relieved about it at the same time (because I feel I deserve to be punished), which is strange. I sort of feel like I should punish myself even more but I won't. Not right now anyway.
Wow, I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. I'm sorry you felt the need to engage in SH again. It's a really slippery slope, once you start and experience that relief it's hard to stop. I cut off and on over the years, seems to happen when my inhibitions are lowered like you said, or when I am in such emotional pain that nothing is helping. I hope you can seek help before this becomes more of a pattern for you
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Old 02-11-2018, 06:07 AM   #7
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Wow, I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. I'm sorry you felt the need to engage in SH again. It's a really slippery slope, once you start and experience that relief it's hard to stop. I cut off and on over the years, seems to happen when my inhibitions are lowered like you said, or when I am in such emotional pain that nothing is helping. I hope you can seek help before this becomes more of a pattern for you
Yeah, I don't like how easy it was for me to resort to cutting this time (and I was sober this time) so I can see how it's probably a slippery slope. This time I realised what triggered the whole thing so I guess I need to start working on those things and try to avoid the triggers in the future.

You guys are literally the only ones in the world who know about this. There are only two people I'd like to tell in real life (my psychologist and my best friend) but I can't tell either of them. Still need someone to know about this though so I might keep posting here. We'll see.
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Old 02-11-2018, 07:19 AM   #8
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Default Re: I cut myself for the first time yesterday and I'm so ashamed.

What would be bad about telling your psychologist?
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Old 02-11-2018, 07:50 AM   #9
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What would be bad about telling your psychologist?
I'm afraid she'll "dump" me if I tell her about it. Not because she wouldn't be able to handle it but since she specialises in autism I guess I'm worried my self-harm wouldn't be her area of expertise and that she'd therefore refer me to someone else, which would be awful. I'm probably overthinking this but I can't risk it.
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:54 AM   #10
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Default Re: I cut myself for the first time yesterday and I'm so ashamed.

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That makes sense. How much is she able to help with your depression and anxiety?
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