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Old 11-05-2006, 02:28 PM   #41
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm struggling to find the balance between disregarding positive feedback and simply being honest about where I am.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

HUH? (((RAP))) There is NO balance, imo, and no reason to "disregard positive feedback." You can have both: a handle on where you are AND positive feedback. IMO sometimes you don't feel like you are progressing or working on yourself unless your T bashes you about something Welcome to Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting!

Welcome to Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting! (Forgive me if I overstepped by replying in this thread.)
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Old 11-05-2006, 02:50 PM   #42
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There's no reason to disregard positive feedback, but that's one of the things that I keep doing. T has become very hesitant about giving me any positive feedback because I have a history of ignoring it at best or setting out to prove how bad I am (through self-destructive behaviors) at worst. Or just rejecting it and arguing with it. So I don't want to do that anymore. I'm being careful about how I respond to feedback because I want to be honest with myself and with other people, but I don't want to respond to positive feedback with "thanks, but no thanks - I don't deserve that." If any of you catch me in that pattern I would appreciate it if you tell me I'm doing it again.

As always, I do appreciate your comments and concern, (((Sky))).
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Old 11-05-2006, 03:12 PM   #43
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hmm would that be the same thing (what your T is doing to you) as, "Well since you don't know how to take it, I won't give it to you in the first place."

To me, that ventures on, "You don't deserve encouragement because you never accept it anyway." Which moves you on to, "I must be a terrible person because I can't even accept praise." And might even move to: "No one gives me praise because I'm not deserving of it."

No, in my opinion, a good T continues to give encouragement and praise so that you begin to believe you do deserve it and then can begin to accept it. The T should model the behavior and continue with the effort. If you balk, then T should counter your balk, but continue to reinforce that you ARE deserving and learning how to do this Welcome to Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting! IMO
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Old 11-05-2006, 09:37 PM   #44
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Welcome to Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting! My first thought was to give you an example of how I have reacted destructively to praise, to illustrate the fact that T has reason for withholding it. Welcome to Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting! Okay, I have to admit that I can see that progression taking place as you said.

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Old 11-06-2006, 08:56 AM   #45
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Hi Drclay

how r u ? hope that everything fine with you and all. Though I did drop by in this forum and did read some but I skip from one chapter to another really wanna to take this opportunity to Thank You for coming to PC and ur self-help book. I felt that its really giving of you of ur honesty, openess & kindness. Though perhaps its part of ur job but i know that no matter what is our job we also a human and human are not perfect but of-coz strive to be the BEST of the BEST as am striving really hard. Life is definetly not easy a lots of things to overcome Never ending story. But deep inside I know that My home is not of this world I just come passing by and go. And Life is definetly short no matter how much I complain and whining of all the things happened in my life been abused and still being abused so my part I just need to be willing to forgive and let go.But I felt thankful despite of the misery I have to go thru I felt that GOD is faithful like HE always will that u came to pc and give a helping hand thanks alots for helping each and everyone of us here in pc and even outsiders. Can I asked u something is borderline or others personality disorder also genetically???? I suspect that all of my family members have personality disorder and my mom a borderline also. My twins been on meds before and one of them seeing psy. Really have alots of turmoil in my family. But I just need and got to be persevere and fight the good fight and focus Heaven and try my upmost best to be outwardly focus coz when am outwardly focus ( helping others or reflesh others I myself helping myself and got refleshed ) Thanks

(((((((((((((((((DrClay&ALL)))))))))))))))
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Old 11-06-2006, 06:32 PM   #46
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alittlehoshime:

Thanks for the warm and caring welcome from Malaysia. About 20 years ago we had a young man from Thailand living with us for a year while he was in High School. A very nice fellow.

As you said, it is helpful when some people, like you, can forgive, even though they have been abused and had a very hard life. Several religions believe we live on after death, such as Christianity, Buddhists, Islam and others.

You asked if I thought that Borderline Personality is genetic. I think there is a genetic part of the cause but that doesn't mean that it can't be changed. Those kinds of personality traits can be learned when we are young and passed on to our children, so it looks like inherited.

When I learn more about your life problems, I may suggest you read some things in my book. Is reading a lot in English hard for you to do?

I look forward to us knowing each other better.

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Old 11-07-2006, 11:22 AM   #47
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drclay,

thanks a lots for ur reply and yw! you stated that :

"Those kinds of personality traits can be learned when we are young and passed on to our children, so it looks like inherited."

how to stop the "inherit" to my next generation? of coz what is bad i wanna to kick it out and what is good i keep. Or should I say there's no perfect life here on earth I just need to deal with it , overcome, surrender etc etc till the day I die.

about english I would say "borderline" at times that certain words or sentence i still dont understand or find it difficult to put into practice or adjustment and also to be honest I either didnt read the whole thing and started into the chat coz I wanted it "fast". but when the time someone told me that I shouldnt said this or that or do this or that I realized that i've make a mistakes and need to repent. Plz dont kick me out from pc. thanks

carol
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Life to the Fullness , Be it in Good or Bad times
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Old 11-07-2006, 11:41 PM   #48
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Old 11-09-2006, 12:18 PM   #49
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devox:

I'm glad to hear from you again. You are in a demanding situation but you sound, in some ways, like a tough woman...a Marine?? for how long?? Why did you get out?? (the little ones?) What was your specialty?

I'll just go over your five parts and make some observations. (1) You push helpful people away, yet (2) you often feel weak, worthless, incompetent and in need of help? What an impossible bind!

Comment: it is very hard to understand what is happening when these situations are described in very general terms. For example, if the helpful person is a good-looking, overly friendly guy next door, it may not be hard to understand. And, if the helpful person is a friend who always suggests you need some kind of treatment (prescribed meds, yoga, religion...) which doesn't interest you, you naturally avoid advice you don't like.

(3) and (4) Wanting to be capable is very different from demanding perfection from yourself in all ways. Being perfect is again very general which no one can ever accomplish, so what specifically and realistically would you like to learn to do better in the next month...with whom and in what spicific ways? Can you focus on one thing at a time and put the rest on the back burner?

(5) The things you mention here don't seem at all unconscious--in fact they seem on your mind much of the time. What about getting some psychological benefits from your depression and distress? what about hoping people will feel sympathy when you tell about your 2 kids and working, husband gone, lack of psychological help from the military and so on? I'm not saying this things are true of you! You may find the ideas are irritating but if I were you, I'd be a little aware of my emotional needs. Also, in (5), I didn't hear much about anger and unconscious ways you might be expressing pent up anger--any speculation about that?

But the most important thing for you to do, I think, is to find something new way of behaving or feeling and start working on one thing at a time. Any ideas?

drclay

PS: Have you called a Mental Health facility on a base and asked if you could see someone every month or two and talk on the phone with them once or twice a week? I like people who are depressed and prone to SI to have someone available who can help. By the way, how did you "go through" the 3 therapists in town? What is your relationship with them now?
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Old 11-10-2006, 04:35 PM   #50
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