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Old 10-26-2006, 11:47 AM   #31
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Default Re: Welcome to Sharing Self-Help Ideas!!

Yes, Sky, one of the things I like about "self" help is learning from other people's struggles and examples :-)
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Old 10-26-2006, 05:18 PM   #32
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Rhapsody:

I tried to respond to your post yesterday but some how I couldn't get to it...maybe the same problem as I just had: I FORGOT to log in!!! A few more stupid mistakes and I'll have it down pat.

Your post yesterday was open, honest, insightful and a good piece of work. It quickly became clear that you are constantly comparing your appearance with other women, fearing they might be more attractive and sexy than you think you are. What a hell of a burden or strain! Not just the competition but the possible thought that hubby might go bannas over a total stranger on the street. We all...well, many of us... have a fleeting thought when we see a beautiful person that "Oh, God, I'd hate to compete with that person." But is a brief thought and quickly we regain our sense of reality--"It couldn't happen...my husband or my wife would not try to seduce her or him...or that good looking wouldn't have much interest in him or her. Then quickly our thoughts go to he/she cares too much for me and our relationship so it would never happen...and so the nightmarish fantasy usually goes away in a few seconds.

You have done something very commendable here: you have experienced a history of hurtful, inconsiderate, self-centered men and a string of terrible sexual experiences and apparently you have not ended up hating all men and sex. Instead, you have a fear of beautiful women. That is amazing and makes me believe you have the strength to reach your commendable goals of feeling secure, loving your husband, and liking yourself.

At the end of Chapter 14 of my book there are some ideas about how to stop bad memories or thoughts. See if there is something helpful there. You didn't say anything about your own sexual adjustment but maybe some information near the end of Chapter 10 would be of interest.

I imagine your post here might have been hard to write. I want you to know that I respect the courage it took to share it.

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Old 10-26-2006, 05:45 PM   #33
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Default Re: Welcome to Sharing Self-Help Ideas!!

[
ah drclay , you're pulling long posts from me Welcome to Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting! but most here haven't seen me share this much about myself, and perhaps will allow me?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
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Old 10-26-2006, 06:08 PM   #34
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Subrina0805:

Sorry I don't have much time but check out Perfectionism and Worry on about page 128 in Chapter 6. Then tell me how it works or ask me questions.

To find skills that might be useful to you look over (skim)Chapter 13 and see if there are any skills there that might serve you well.

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Old 10-28-2006, 01:15 AM   #35
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Bethsway said:
(((((((((rhapsody))))))))))))))...your discription of the five is so close to my heart!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Thank YOU.... for it does my heart well to know that I am truly understood and that I am not a nuts for feeling as I do.

And.... I am sorry that YOU too have had the knowledge of the pain that I have been made to endure.


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Old 10-28-2006, 01:25 AM   #36
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
drclay said:
At the end of Chapter 14 of my book there are some ideas about how to stop bad memories or thoughts. See if there is something helpful there. You didn't say anything about your own sexual adjustment but maybe some information near the end of Chapter 10 would be of interest.

I imagine your post here might have been hard to write. I want you to know that I respect the courage it took to share it.

drclay

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Dr Clay........... I have read your reply to me and I will respond back with some more thoughts after I have had a chance to read the chapters that you recommended.

I really do want to HEAL from the hell that I have lived in for the last 10 years of my withering life - a dark prison I almost died from, not once but twice and at my own hands.
.................... I do NOT wish to go back there. Welcome to Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting!




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Old 10-28-2006, 05:00 PM   #37
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Rhapsody:

You and several other posters on this thread have mentioned having negative thoughts about themselves and/or bad memories and thoughts about others.

I went back to checkout the last topic in my Chapter 14 about Stopping Bad Memories and Thoughts. I wish scientific finding could be simplier and more clearly stated. I did my best in this very complex area with several conflicting findings. I'd like to help you and others work out some ways of stopping or coping with the disturbing and depressing memories and thoughts.

As I read through the last part of Chapter 14, I came to realize that several of my links were not working well--some don't go anywhere, other links go to my old discontinued Website, still others include URLs based on html whereas this current edition used PDF. I apologize for these errors. I'll get the URLs working as soon as possible. One of the things I value about being online is that skipping to other sections and pulling together different topics so they make good sense. I'll get some help updating the URLs but it will take some time. (How do I put the blushing smiley here?) Welcome to Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting!

Stick with me.
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Old 11-04-2006, 02:53 AM   #38
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I am rather late catching up with this new forum, but now I have read every post here, and a little bit of the book. I hope that I am not too late to participate in trying out the five steps. I have been so stuck lately (and probably for my whole life), and I am hoping maybe to find some answers here. Feedback would be appreciated, and I'll do my best to accept the feedback. I hope that I'm finally ready to start changing, and I know that nobody can do it for me, or even give me the answers.

This is a very complex problem, and one that I have been stuck in for a very long time, although I think I am seeing the real problem now for the fist time (with help). What I am trying to deal with is the actual ability to engage in the change process. (1) I somehow discredit or disregard feedback and remain stuck, failing to change. 'Constructive' feedback I use to beat myself up with. Positive comments I get rejected too, even if only in my head. Or just plain ignored. (2) hopeless, despair, self-hate. (3) I need to develop the skills to be able to really look at myself accurately and honestly, and to sort out valid perceptions (my own or someone elses) from invalid ones. I need to be able to respond to those observations and do something with them. I need to accept myself where I am even though I am far from having it all together. I need to be able to give myself credit for the positives even though I would like to do better. Developing self-esteem would be a big part of this. (4) I find a way to argue with anything, telling myself that I don't deserve anything good because I'm not good enough and never can be good enough. I convince myself that I should be something other than what I am, and that I should be able to change who I am pretty much instantly, or that I should have done it ages ago, and also that I should not need help with it. I feel that I am worthless if I can't get everything right on the first try, and if someone has to tell me that I didn't get it, then I must be bad/incompetent/worthless .... And if someone pays me a compliment, I find some way to discount it - I had help, or it was an accident that I did something that turned out okay, or it really isn't good enough, or anybody could do it, .... (5) This is the hard part, but there must be a lot of unconscious stuff going on otherwise this wouldn't be so hard. A lot of it is feeling like it really isn't okay to be okay or to be competent, even though I really want to. This comes from my upbringing, as my parents wanted to keep me as a dependent child forever, and that message came across from them a lot. There is also a lot of fear of failure, and also a belief that the only way to be cared about is to be in need of help, so if I did manage to change the stuff that I need to change, nobody would want to help me anymore, or care about me. I'm also afraid of needing too much help and everyone getting tired of it.

Rap
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Old 11-04-2006, 03:34 PM   #39
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Default Re: Welcome to Sharing Self-Help Ideas!!

Rapunzel:

Thanks for such a detailed description of your "thing to change." In short, you feel an overwhelming amount of self-criticism and you believe you are helpless. What is most amazing is that you seemed to give a great explanation of the cause of your problem:

my parents wanted to keep me as a dependent child forever Brilliant! The unconscious part is how your parents' teachings about being helpless became so powerful and unchallenged by you even though you are no longer a child (how old are you?).

So, I'd say your self-help project is to disprove (in behavior, feelings, and thoughts) all this destructive negative crap you were taught by your family (remember they were almost certainly trying to be good parents to help and keep you protected).

A good therapist would ask you to test out the validity of many of your negative ideas, e.g. is it true that you can't change (each day prove you can change what you eat in some way (keep records), reduce the self-hatred thoughts today, count how often you can pleasantly interact with other people, and on and on.

Try thought stopping (in Ch. 11) when am "helpless or awful" thought/feeling comes into your mind. Find out there are other ways to be cared about instead of being weak and in need of help. Test out over and over day by day if people only love you when you a helpless little girl. You may, indeed, need to much help (that is not a putdown; it is encouragement.

There are thousands of ways to prove you are likeable and competent so you don't feel so self-critical, so you will be happier. Try testing some of your negative ideas and put some of your positive traits to work...and then give us feedback about how you did. Many people coming here have had experience learning to feel better about themselves (and still being honest).

Over-protective parents are teaching "you-are-not-OK" and you need help because you can't take care of yourselves. They are unaware of what they are teaching the child.

I hope we hear back from you (my Chapter 14 is about the stuff I'm talking about in this post).

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Old 11-05-2006, 02:32 AM   #40
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DrClay,

I appreciate your response and encouragement. I'm struggling to find the balance between disregarding positive feedback and simply being honest about where I am. I have been working hard to figure out what I am doing that keeps me stuck, and why I keep doing that. Getting to this point where I can write out the problem as above is pretty big progress for me. Then I get to this point and get stuck again. My eighth therapist has been on the verge of giving up on me for a few months now. She decided to give me a little bit longer to start doing something, and I'm getting rather desperate. We found another reason why I keep staying stuck here too. If I prove that I can't change, then I don't have to keep feeling bad or guilty for not changing. Except that I do keep feeling bad and feeling guilty. Welcome to Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting!

I have been 29 for around 7 years now (I lost track). Yup, I'm stuck there too. Welcome to Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting! I'm too old to still be blaming my parents for it. Although if you look at my siblings, out of 6 of us I'm considered to be one of the more functional ones. One brother is schizophrenic, one sister will be their perpetual child because she has down syndrome, and another sister is 4 years younger than me and still lives with the parents, never learned to drive, has been working on an associates degree for at least 10 years, etc. I do function at least in some areas of my life. I'm married with 3 kids and in my second year working towards a master's degree in counseling (with a 4.0 GPA). I just need to learn to apply what I can do to the areas of my life where I need it, and I have no good excuses for being so stuck!

I do change some things, just very slowly. For example, a year and a half ago I was afraid to drive by myself across the state or in cities. Now I can do that. I changed my whole life when I decided to go back to school. There are ways of interacting with people that I am working on too, and I think that I am making some progress.

Someone here has suggested that I practice thought-stopping before and I didn't really get around to trying that, so there's another example of how I disregard constructive feedback, but I am going to look that up now and do it this time. I've been actively sabotaging myself with my negative thoughts, and for some reason I have been very reluctant to let go of that.

I'll try testing negative ideas (do you mean like checking out with other people whether they feel the way that I assume they do?) and also try to do something with my positive traits (I wonder if you can give me an example of what you mean there).

Looking through your index, I noticed that chapter 14 is probably something I could get a lot out of, and I have started reading that. I'm getting some mileage out of chapter 2 also.

Thanks again for your suggestions. Welcome to Self-Help Ideas and Goal Setting!
Rap
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