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Old 09-21-2013, 01:52 PM #1
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Default Yet Another Trialog

Haven't much time but will continue this in parts. Probably need to anyway as it's a lifetime of issues that will surface.

There is a tool from dreamwork that I find useful: trialogs. A trialog is like it sounds, a discussion with 3 parts. It is scripting out for view an inner play involving 2 parts in seeming tension and a third part, which at times could be emotional reactions, that serves to knit the other two together, or provide ideas for resolution.

Mine begins with an upsetting financial loss due to hypomania. Specifically, success-triggered mania. A unique form that I didn't know there was research and a name for until this loss.

I awoke this morning feeling good, hypersexual yet with an vague understanding that this place of loss felt too regular — like some time of state that means "this is what life is." The key emotions feel like frustration, patience, and discipline. I've done positive things from this place:
  • survived my chaotic family home until I left for college
  • studied all sorts of things from chess to the I Ching
  • kept myself apart from others and read books
  • programmed computers for fun
  • decluttered my spaces
  • finished my degree program
It also doesn't feel very good at the beginning, and much of the middle has no emotional heft at all. I can do tedious, plodding, "a bit each day" type of stuff from here.

And it's been about 80 - 90 percent of my whole emotional experience of my life due to set-backs, unfortunate circumstances, and other issues both within and beyond my influence.

I'll call this aspect Frurtle (short for frustrated turtle).

On the other hand, near the end, when all feels great or I'm about to finish, I over-react to nearing the end and either muff the finish or finish and then set flight into mania, and soon after this get myself shot down, let myself down, make a mistake, or elicit a biting criticism, and loopy de loop and back I tumble to "home base" - frustrated patience.

I call this aspect Icarus after the Greek god & son of Daedalus the Inventor, who flew too close to the sun with wings made of wax and feathers and crashed to his death.

Witness to this discussion, and occasional assistant, will be the Great Coach of the West, or Coach.

Gotta go, more later.
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Last edited by Revu2; 09-21-2013 at 02:02 PM. Reason: grammar and sense
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Old 09-22-2013, 11:54 AM #2
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Default quad-a-log

Scene: Frurtle, Icarus, Revu2, and Coach on a conference call.

C: Let's begin. [coin toss] Icarus?

I: I'm ready. This whole thing is about freedom. Freedom to get outside the damn rules F. imposes. "Time to wake up. Time to do this. Floss." Yuck. Finishing something, hitting a plateau, and I can feel the rules slip away. Up and up I go.

C: Where is that in R's body?

I: I dunno.

R: In my chest. Middle sternum, right next to my heart.

I: okay, I knew, but I don't like to be aware of any body feelings. Just my loving my flight and getting further away from the rules and closer to the sun. Wow! O what a glorious feeling! O, What a beautiful day (begins singing from Oklahoma).

C: Okay, okay, pipe down a moment here.

I: [quiets down, swaying and smiling to internal music]

F: [slow, thinks about what he will say]. I do the building. Carefully, gradually, a bit every day or so often. Solid. I miff something it's no big deal because I'm right with it to fix it.

R: I feel calming already, fingers, like energy flowing out of my chest into my arms and fingers.

F: Right now, I'm working with R. on a build to never crash after success again.

R: That's right.

I: I'm panicked that I will never feel manic again! Hey, that sortov rhymes. But, No. that success-achieved state is the finest, happiest R ever gets. I won't let you take that away! Don't you get it! Life won't be worth living. Yeah it's a build, yeah, it's sturdy, but why if you can't look forward to setting yourself free to feel happy and flying high on your success.

F: I never panic. Just look around at the mess Icarus leaves and pick up the pieces. I'm like those FAA teams that investigate crash sites.

R: Hey you to. Stop this talk about crashes. This is my life you're dealing with.

C: OK, OK, everyone, I have enough to see what's going on. Take 5 because I need to do some research and consult with my mentor.

[the call is put on hold while Coach looks for resources to suggest.]

... to be continued.
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Old 09-23-2013, 08:02 PM #3
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Default Coach Re-opens Session

Coach: Okay, let's come back together.

[the others gather on the call]

C: The break was helpful. I find that we might add something, take something away, or change something, or all three. The easiest this time is adding something, I guess. Icarus, if you have a companion flying with you would you be so enthralled by the draw of the sun.

I: Likely not. I wouldn't want the responsibility of something bad happening to the other person.

C: And Frurtle, how much would it help to have some help?

F: Wonderfully. I could make much more progress without so many errors. I'm never fond of details.

I: Really? I always thought of you as the goto detail personality.

F: Not really, I don't see the point. If I write "throw the clothes over their"—spelled t-h-e-i-r—what difference should it make? The reader knows what I meant.

C: Let's think Big and mythological.

Revu2: I once ran workshops on personal mythologies. So let me think ... what about Daedalus, Icarus' father?

F: Let's think up a list and then discuss it.

I: Like a brainstorm. I love brainstorms. Whose that goddess that is turned into a spider?

R: Arachne, a mortal. She gets killed then resurrected as a spider by Athena.

F: Shh, remember no criticisms! Mercury! He flies like Icarus but never crashes.

I: Hold on a sec.

C: And not many know her but Caissa is the goddess for chess. Kasparov would say with a winning move "Caissa was with me today."

R: I think we have plenty. Let's keep them all.

C: It's getting crowded.

F: I know, let's finally let Icarus die.

I: What? NO!

F: Yes, let's let Hercules bury you on Icarus Island and we all attend the ceremony. It's just imagination-acting. You're not real, you know.

I: Neither are you! But this would spell the end to mania. Rev, tell them how much fun mania is. They don't get it.

R: Since you asked, it's great fun. The greatest! But I can't recover as fast like I used to after the crash, sometimes because the damage is so severe when you crash.

F: And I can't always get the pieces put back together.

C: Oh, geez, that's our time. I have my next appointment to get ready for. See everyone next time. Really hate to cut this off.

I: But, but ....
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Old 09-27-2013, 02:11 PM #4
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Default Burial of Icarus

Dissolve.

Fade in on Icarus Island. Small sandy clearing on otherwise rocky beach. Assembled: Daedalus, Icarus, Coach, Caissa, Revue, Frurtle, Mercury, Arachne.

I: But, but ...

D: Sh, son, be quiet and please lie upon this bed of feathers.

I: [does as commanded, reluctantly]

Co: [hands those standing a candle and feather for the ceremony.] Revu, you'll go last, as this is for you and you need to time to sit with your feelings.

R: Sure.

Co: Daedalus.

D: As your father, perhaps I should have kept you tethered to me. I had not thought you would not obey ... But you were a youth on the cusp of manhood, and stronger of limbs than of reason. I grieve my error. Please, by Zeus and all the gods of Olympus, forgive me for you had much promise. [puts feather on Icarus's forehead, blows out candle.]

A: I can speak my part. Icarus, i am but a maid, and you a youth, we are of the same time of life, perhaps we could have been friends, lovers even better for I see you are of fine proportions and muscled. Later in my life I fear I will speak beyond my years for I am at times over-proud of my skills as a weaver as you were surprised by the thrills of flying. For now, I will observe your lesson and weave you a tapestry. [puts feather on Icarus's heart, blows out candle.]

Ca: I speak next. I wish only that I had flown aside you, Icarus, so I could have used my special gifts of planning ahead and anticipating consequences to assist you in both enjoying you new wings and thrills and also landing safely. [puts feather on Icarus's eyes, blows out candle.]

M: I guess Icarus you might have looked to me as a tutor for flying. Frankly, I never ever gave it much thought. I always knew how to fly. Never had an accident. The message from the gods to us is that your fall is as much the product of the rest of us not being attentive enough to you as it is something in yourself. [puts feather on Icarus's feet, blows out candle.]

F: Icarus, oh Icarus. (cries). I was talking with Sisyphus and he said that at least I had a puzzle, some pieces to reassemble, his work was all tedium. I imagine without having to find scattered pieces my time will evolve to ... I cannot say. [puts feathers on Icarus's hands, blows out candle.]

Co: I coach clients at times to throw caution to the side and step off into the unknown. But they are too timid. For you Icarus, just flying should have been enough. I would have said joy's are never pure, and the purer it feels the more suspect you should be. I would have said ... [stops & is silent. puts feather on Icarus's solar plexus, blows out candle.]

Revu2: Now it comes to me. You're not the first I've buried or I've seen grow up and leave my life. Huck Finn, that adolescent adventurer, had no intimate relationships. I had to find him as a young adult and meet his girlfriend, then I let him drift on into his adult life. I hope he is well.

Quasimodo, loved Esmeralda, but is was all longing and unrequited. As he was grieving her departure with the handsome but shallow actor, a fair maiden with a fetish for hunchbacks seduced him and was surprised to discovered his hunchback was actually unfurled wings. They had not been free at the proper time of development and thus they turned into a hunchback. He turned into a scholar researcher, and learning from Don Carlo's alchemy books he unfurled the wings. Secretly at night he practiced flying until he had it well understood.

His face restored to its natural beauty, his hearing returned by the use of drops formulated by alchemy, he left the belltower and wandered France doing odd jobs. By luck (?) one day a young woman dropped some books, and looking into her eyes, he said, "Esmeralda"!

Excuse me, do I know you?

Sanctuary!!

Quasimodo!?

Now to bury you. I, too, as a youth had trouble obeying my elders. I too, have flown too high (mania) and to close to the sun (happiness) and have crashed. I had thought the damages would always be small (a ripped shirt, maybe a misspoke word), but in my morning mediation to prepare for today I saw this flying and crashing was scattered throughout my life. I'm saddened imagining where I might find my life had I not suffered all these crashes. But the past lies beyond improvement.

In the life left to me, gods willing, I know those peak highs you were so drawn to will probably never again find a home in my breast. I grieve, but to leave Mania with you is best.

I trust that—with the help of Mercury—my flights and landings will be perfect and leave me intact and whole.

With Caissa and Arachne I will plan and weave and play well.

Icarus, Icarus, I love you. I bury you. I love you, I bury you. I love you, I bury you. [stops & is silent. sweeps feather up and down the length of Icarus. The others stir slightly in the breeze created. Puts feather on Icarus's throat, blows out candle.]

Coach: [after a few minutes.] Icarus. the ritual is over. You can get up now.

Icarus lies still.

Icarus is truly dead.


A wail leaves Revu2 like a trapped spirit escaping and he collapses by the lifeless form of Icarus, weeping.

Fade out.
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Old 10-05-2013, 02:16 AM #5
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Default Re: Yet Another Trialog

Testing! Testing!
Today, shared these trialogs with a friend, and am waiting to see if there's a response towards some type of inner retribution that I used to get when I "revealed too much" about my inner processes, particularly when I am seeming making progress.
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Old 10-26-2013, 11:25 AM #6
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Default Substitution again!

Upon additional research into Mercury in retrograde (now through 11/10) learned that M. associated with trickery. Hm.

Stepping away from the Greek myths, I searched for Egyptian gods and goddesses that could fly. Isis came in response. I think this will work well for me as she restored her brother Osiris back to life. And I feel I need that myself.

Team meeting:
C: Thanks all, we need a substitution.

R: Yes, this fresh journey into myself is a challenge, and I don't need trickery or huge reversals.

R: (to M.)—Mercury, I'm asking you to step back and let Isis take this lead.

M: Not an issues.

I: Happy to help.

C: Isis, get to know your team mates: Caissa, Arachne, Revu2, and Coach.

I: Hi everyone.

Others: Hi Isis.

C: Okay. Let's go live!
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Old 12-06-2017, 11:46 AM #7
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Default Surfacing Upgrade Post Aha

Two days after a really good conversation with a friend, I realized that the "grounding" is the full shadow of "Icarus." And understandably, any negotiated inner resolutions involving becoming more "grounded" triggered resistance from the "let's not stop feeling happy, excited, joy" contingent.

Also mediated on joining with flowing/river energy. Mashing these two together brought forward, "Oh, grounding isn't what heals! It's surfacing!"

Grounding—probably promoted by meditation teachers and gurus to people sitting very still, in quiet, away from their active goals and life among others. Makes full sense to say, "while mediating, breathe gently, allow yourself to feel grounded down your spine and through the floor to the core of the earth ... " But, ha! They are all sitting still.

Icarus, in contrast, is in motion, and had he not flamed and crashed, would have made a good escape. I need my remedy to work while I, too, stay in motion. Icarus's affirming intent was not to fly but to leave captivity.

Surfacing allows me to continue in motion. The word immediately evokes ideas about motion on the surface of the planet. Rivers, roads, trails, all are channels for motion that are sketched over the skin of the planet.

The word also is close to polishing and finishing for me. This reminds me to bring careful attention to the work at hand, to details, to making something attractive and beautiful.

Goodbye grounding, Hello Surfacing.

R
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Old 03-16-2019, 11:44 PM #8
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Default Re: Yet Another Trialog

Having an interesting exploration into what leaves me feeling a tinge of pre-mania. Just for fun picked out a couple of stocks and paper-traded them. The next day they both rose and I felt that initial up-beat feeling.

YET—This week, on Thursday, I led part of an exercise with 300 participants from around the world and it came off close to flawless. The feedback I got during the last day and a half of the conference were universally positive. Plus, it needed it to go well in my heart to feel redeemed from a prior facilitation disaster.

SO—Big professional win, and nothing like any tinge of pre-manic feelings. It's not investing, either, that sparks that feeling. I happened to notice the market dip in December and added around $8,000 to my mutual funds. Last I looked, they are up 7%, or about $3,000. Feeling: that's good.

What is happening here? I'll discern and get back to you.
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