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Old 01-12-2018, 09:49 PM   #11
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Old 01-12-2018, 10:11 PM   #12
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Default Re: 'Sz' and making new friends

I'm sorry that you struggle with socialising, Finding

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Originally Posted by Findingreason View Post
But I've found in my own experience that screening people out online and then eventually meeting up in person allowed me to make connections with controlling what happened.
Yeah, I'm thinking online might be a good idea, especially if I ever decide to start to try dating. I've never been on forums other than MH ones though, so that would be a new start. I'd have to have a think about what other types of forums there are that I might be interested in... And I think that my walking group and meetup.com are still good ideas to meet people, but I'd have to refuse to give out my number until I'd gotten to know someone WAY better than this time around.

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Also, making connections with people who go through similar things makes matters easier for me, because we often have common ground in background and experiences.
Yeah...I've really had bad experiences with that, especially IRL. I don't respond the same way that other people do to the same things. Most of my friends have MI diagnoses, but I discovered that as we became friends. I don't think starting with MI is a good fit for me; too many bad experiences. But, obviously, everyone is different.

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When I moved to Connecticut in 2013, I realized a lot of people would start talking to me out of nowhere in the middle of public, which made me really uncomfortable. Eventually I assumed that it was because I left myself too “vulnerable” in how I hold myself. So, I started giving off a “tough aura” about myself to keep people to leave me alone in public. Since moving to Finland, people leave me alone (very introverted culture).
It doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, it's happened my entire life. In a way, it's a privilege that people see me as someone they can trust. I'm capable of shutting down the conversations if I need to, and I can also do a 'resting B**** face' if I want to avoid all interaction, so it doesn't bother me.

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It’s tough because I always have been bad at reading people, but it seems to be getting worse as time goes on. I don’t know when someone is upset at me or not.
It must be especially tough if you didn't have a good skill to begin with, I'm sorry You know what the ridiculous thing is - phone emojis are getting so fricking complicated nowadays that I now can't always read those either!!

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The only way I know how to deal with someone that makes me uncomfortable is to tell them straight up if something is making me uncomfortable. And if it doesn’t work (in person, or online), I will ghost and disappear without another word in sight. It’s the only method I know that works. It’s rude yes, but I do what I gotta do.
[ETA: I should've stood up for myself right at the beginning when he crossed my touch boundaries. I hope that I will if there's ever a next time. My improvements with assertiveness are still a work in progress...]

I've ghosted people before. Back before 'ghosting' was even a word! I suck at confrontation, and it would've been banging my head against a brick wall. So, yeah, sometimes you've got to do what's best for you.

Thanks for the reply, Finding

*Willow*

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Old 01-12-2018, 10:39 PM   #13
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Default Re: 'Sz' and making new friends

It's really good to see you, Didgee!
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Originally Posted by The_little_didgee View Post
I can only answer the following:

Intuition can sometimes be wrong, especially if you are feeling strong emotions.

Every friendship that I have formed slowly. I rely heavily on what the person tells me and how they behave over a long period of time. E.g. Are they consistent? Do they keep their word?

I also give a person a chance, especially if their first impression wasn't that great.[/SIZE][/FONT]
I have always known that intuition can be wrong. I've always liked to list all of the evidence for and against each gut feeling to weigh it up logically...but I still tend to go with my gut. I know that it's not perfect, but I think the subconscious picks up on lots of stuff in the moment that our conscious mind doesn't register.

That's what I prefer too; long periods of time, looking for patterns.

And I definitely give people the benefit of the doubt. People are very complicated and it's hard to know their reasons for doing things. So I try to look at things from all angles to try to see why they might do the things that they do. So, even if someone does something that I really don't like, I wouldn't necessarily end things over it because it might be justified if I understood the reasoning behind it. But if it was a long list of things, like in this case, that suggests that it's likely to continue in this way and therefore we probably aren't compatible as friends.

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Apparently I am not very expressive, at least nonverbally. I know this scares people off, which can be good in a way, because it helps filter out people NOT worth knowing or spending effort on at all.
That's a good way of looking at things.

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I'm not sure how to answer the anger and uncontrollable crying. I usually don't reveal those emotions to people I am not comfortable with. Is there a way you can restrain those emotions when around people that don't know you on an intimate level?
I would NEVER voluntarily reveal those emotions to people that I don't trust A LOT, so this is very alien territory to me. So far, the incongruent anger has only been witnessed by my family, and only the dog has seen me bawling my eyes out.

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When I feel upset in public I find a quiet place to hide from people, while I calm down.
This is exactly what I do if I feel myself getting upset/stressed in general. At least the uncontrollable crying gives me a small window to hide myself because I go as soon as I feel my eyes start to well up. But the anger just appears out of nowhere. And by anger, I mean, lalala having a nice day, get out of the car and just randomly slam the car door as hard as I can as if I'm really angry, even though I'm not AT ALL. And then I get 'what are you so angry for?!' because I NEVER slam doors, even when I actually am feeling angry inside. And people just don't get that the outside expression doesn't match the inside feelings, no matter how many times you explain the incongruent emotions thing *sigh*

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I've never had much success with friendships until I got into clockmaking and machining. I think it is mostly due to the type of person those trades attract. Many are introverted and awkward, just like me. We also have a common interest, which makes it so much easier for me to converse with others.
That's what I've found with my walking group and meetup.com - activities are definitely a great ice breaker.

I'm not looking for one person who is going to get every facet of me, or even several. But people to get some of the more important facets would be nice.

Thanks for your reply, Didgee

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Old 01-12-2018, 10:43 PM   #14
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Default Re: 'Sz' and making new friends

Thanks, guys! Talking it out has helped me decide that I will keep doing what I was doing in terms of how I'm meeting people IRL, whilst adding in some online searches too, but to take it much, much slower before I agree to meet someone 1:1 and give them my number. This will give me a better chance to figure out their behavioural patterns and what we have in common before opening myself up to any actual risk.

Thank you everyone

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Old 01-12-2018, 10:47 PM   #15
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Old 01-13-2018, 03:23 PM   #16
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I would NEVER voluntarily reveal those emotions to people that I don't trust A LOT, so this is very alien territory to me. So far, the incongruent anger has only been witnessed by my family, and only the dog has seen me bawling my eyes out.
Your question implied that you revealed your emotions to everyone regardless of who they were. It gave me the impression that you didn't have much control over your emotions.

Why can't you just feel an emotion and not describe it clinically?


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I'm not looking for one person who is going to get every facet of me, or even several. But people to get some of the more important facets would be nice.
That is not what I meant at all. None of my close friendships are one faceted at all. A common interest is a way to meet others and start conversations on a multitude of topics. You know that though.

It feels like you contested my answers, that you had better answers already. Why ask then?

Sorry, I wasn't much help. I hope you have better luck with someone else.
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Old 01-13-2018, 05:31 PM   #17
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Default Re: 'Sz' and making new friends

What caught my attention is how you like to reflect for months on what has been said. I know i dislike talking philosophy in person because it's more spontaneous. Online i have more time to pause and reflect. I often reflect on later conversations and notice aggression, or annoyance, or even an insult after the fact that i just dismissed them in the moment. Intuitionally i do just think, "whatever" and move on, but later i think, "Well that was an insult to the entire way in which i live my life." Intuitions are often based on our emotions that nature has refined. There's some intelligence in emotions. The way you describe your situation though, is that they aren't helping you detect ******** when it's thrown your way. So you play it safe and wear your heart on your sleeve, which is always a safe bet.

I have to lean more on native intelligence than intuitions now that my emotions have atrophied due to my anhedonia. What i do is ask questions in a guided way. I don't care for small talk really. I like conversations to be interesting. To do it cognitive, you're going to have to ask about their values and ineterests, and then examine them to see if they are relatable to yours. If they are contrary then you'll find problems eventually.
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Old 01-13-2018, 05:39 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23 View Post
Thanks, guys! Talking it out has helped me decide that I will keep doing what I was doing in terms of how I'm meeting people IRL, whilst adding in some online searches too, but to take it much, much slower before I agree to meet someone 1:1 and give them my number. This will give me a better chance to figure out their behavioural patterns and what we have in common before opening myself up to any actual risk.

Thank you everyone

*Willow*
Oh god, if you do it online then you'll have a much easier time. Are you a female? I apologize for my curiosity offends. The reason i ask is because men bombard women online, and then women get the pick of the litter from there. You can safely be anonymous there while you sift and sort through suitors. Men often get disgruntled if they've been denied to much, but that's just the advantage women have online. They have to wear their hearts on their shoulders while being genuine.
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Old 01-14-2018, 11:50 PM   #19
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I really don't understand this post. Perhaps you could clarify 1) if you are annoyed with me like I suspect, and 2) if so, why?

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Originally Posted by The_little_didgee View Post
Your question implied that you revealed your emotions to everyone regardless of who they were. It gave me the impression that you didn't have much control over your emotions.
I said that my emotional expression, when I can't control it, is "usually blunted" and only "sometimes" anger and uncontrollable crying, so I'm not sure where the confusion came from?? It's not a big deal to me that we got our wires crossed somehow though, I was just trying to clarify in my previous post.

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Why can't you just feel an emotion and not describe it clinically?
As far as I'm concerned, "incongruent" isn't a clinical word in and of itself. Yes, it is used by Drs, but I also use it all the time to describe, well, incongruent things. I don't know what other word I should use for this anger?? 'Fake' isn't the right word because that implies that I'm pretending to be angry when I'm not. And I can't just say 'anger', because that implies that I feel angry on the inside and I don't in these instances. So incongruent is the only word I can think of to describe behaviour that looks angry on the outside that doesn't come from any internal feeling of anger.

But wrt analysing everything to death, I thought you knew that I do this?? I try to limit it sometimes because it can get out of hand, but largely I like the fact that I'm such a reflective, introspective person. It's part of who I am.

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That is not what I meant at all. None of my close friendships are one faceted at all. A common interest is a way to meet others and start conversations on a multitude of topics. You know that though.
I said that as a clarification, not to you but to everyone, as it occurred to me at that point when I was replying that people might think that I'm, unrealistically, expecting one person to 'get' every facet of me, which I'm not. It has nothing to do with your relationships - how could I possibly know what your relationships are like??

And you're right, I do know what you said above, and I agree with you, and I said in an earlier post about meeting people to do activities leads to easier conversations.

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It feels like you contested my answers, that you had better answers already. Why ask then?

Sorry, I wasn't much help. I hope you have better luck with someone else.
I genuinely don't understand why you think this? Other than clarifying that I don't bawl my eyes out all the time in front of every random stranger, I actually agreed with everything that you said.

And, even if I don't agree with every single thing a poster suggests, it is still helpful to reflect on the thought/suggestion to be sure that I definitely don't agree. So I'm sorry that you somehow feel that I didn't appreciate your response because I did. Talking to everyone helped me figure out what to do, and your response was part of that, so thank you.

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Old 01-15-2018, 12:17 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by Day Tripper View Post
What caught my attention is how you like to reflect for months on what has been said. I know i dislike talking philosophy in person because it's more spontaneous. Online i have more time to pause and reflect. I often reflect on later conversations and notice aggression, or annoyance, or even an insult after the fact that i just dismissed them in the moment. Intuitionally i do just think, "whatever" and move on, but later i think, "Well that was an insult to the entire way in which i live my life."
Yes, absolutely! That's definitely me! Like someone will say something offensive and I will disagree, but won't even realise how offensive at the time until I'm thinking about the conversation later on. And then I want to discuss it with them again and they're like 'that was yesterday, get over it!' But I'm just not good at instant decisions and instant reactions because I like to consider everything from all possible angles before I decide how to feel/think/react. Lots of people don't work like that though and they just don't get it. I absolutely HATE it when people pressure me into making snap decisions because I often end up regretting them later on when I've had a chance to think it through.

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Intuitions are often based on our emotions that nature has refined. There's some intelligence in emotions. The way you describe your situation though, is that they aren't helping you detect ******** when it's thrown your way. So you play it safe and wear your heart on your sleeve, which is always a safe bet.
It's not so much that my intuition isn't detecting it in general, I don't know if that's true, but that it didn't in this situation and I don't know why not. So I'm questioning my intuitive ability at the moment.

But I most definitely DON'T wear my heart on my sleeve. I am generally a very private and reserved person. The examples of uncontrollable crying are so weird precisely because it's so abnormal for me to cry at the drop of a hat, and because it just doesn't feel like they're MY tears because I don't feel sad at all/enough to be crying about it at all, let alone so severely.

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Originally Posted by Day Tripper View Post
I have to lean more on native intelligence than intuitions now that my emotions have atrophied due to my anhedonia. What i do is ask questions in a guided way. I don't care for small talk really. I like conversations to be interesting. To do it cognitive, you're going to have to ask about their values and ineterests, and then examine them to see if they are relatable to yours. If they are contrary then you'll find problems eventually.
How do you find people respond to deep questions about values and the such?? I'm curious because most people don't seem to like them. I don't like small talk either, but anything other than that tends to scare people, especially initially. Or maybe I'm talking to really superficial people, idk? But I feel like I have to go slow with the deeper stuff because people would much rather talk about the weather and crap on TV etc. Sometimes I can have a really nice conversation talking to somebody about how much they like rock climbing or whatever, but often mentioning the word "passion" and the like makes people feel self-conscious. People will talk for hours about work and hobbies etc, and that can give good clues too, but I think the deeper stuff scares a lot of people. I think the paradox with authenticity is that we both crave it and fear it at the same time. I sure do anyway.

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Oh god, if you do it online then you'll have a much easier time. Are you a female? I apologize for my curiosity offends. The reason i ask is because men bombard women online, and then women get the pick of the litter from there. You can safely be anonymous there while you sift and sort through suitors. Men often get disgruntled if they've been denied to much, but that's just the advantage women have online. They have to wear their hearts on their shoulders while being genuine.
Yes, I'm female. I'm actually really surprised that you asked as I always thought that it was obvious from my posts!

Are you talking about dating or making friends?? I've heard you and others say this about online dating and it really concerns me. The last thing I need is to feel harassed. Obviously I would put in any dating profile that I am asexual and therefore have ZERO interest in sexual relationships, but would guys still harass me despite that?? Maybe it'd be better, when I dip my toe into the dating waters, to start with selecting women only in the beginning so I'm not completely scared off??

Thanks for your reply DT, it's given me a lot to consider.

*Willow*
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