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Old 06-12-2018, 03:56 PM   #21
Unbrokensoulgeron
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Default Re: Something beautiful

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheLonelyChemist View Post
Since you thanked the reply above me... Let me share my story with you.

Before reading any of it, I warn you I am truly schizophrenic and what I say may not make perfect sense. But it's all true.

I am a seventeen year old schizophrenic who had a "very early onset." Read "Is Traumatic Brain Injury A Risk Factor for Schizophrenia? A Meta-Analysis of Case-Controlled Population-Based Studies" on the ncbi website. I was thrown on a wall by my father when I was three months old. My psychiatrist doesn't bother giving me therapy. I am about to explain you why.

Since I was a child I was traumatized by my parents. I was excluded from society (didn't let me go outside of school) (that includes my relatives, they didn't let me see them and vice versa.) I was constantly told I am a "failure" as I matured. I was told that I have to "create history and do something." I was constantly terrorized by the fights my parents had, funny enough -- not really, mental illness is not fun -- because of their own mental illness and altered perception.

I am not kidding you, I have lost my anger. I do not feel angry anymore. Nor do I feel sad. Or happy. Anything except fear and guilt/shame is alien to me now. I cannot stop daydreaming. I feel so physically exhausted every day... but here's the best (worst?) part.

Remember the part where I said I was excluded from society? I still am. While my friends ride motorbikes while wearing jackets and sunglasses on, I am here browsing the internet and wasting my life. I already have squint and I weigh 100kg. My friends are out there, studying in library with friends, or having lunch at a restaurant, or hitting the gym, some calmly listening to music and some you know, none of my business. They have their own geared bikes, they are trusted enough by others to have them give their four wheeler key, or money, or you know, girlfriend.

Some come in for fights for friends on the streets, some prefer doing laboratory work, some are busy chatting to Facebook friends, etc. etc. you get it.

I am only a person that has been home most of his life with his psychotic parents. "THEY MAY NOT BE PERFECT", sure, but you don't need the exact opposite, "terrible." You know, when I go to tuition or school, people victimize me (more so recently, after my symptoms have become obvious) and are like "My birthday's in X days, give me Y amount of money and I'll never forget it!" In short, what psychiatry calls victimization of patients, they have figured out that I am a "retarded psycho." While both me and my doctor know I am not.

The trouble is, I keep constantly forgetting what I originally wanted to say. So read on for more.

Anyway, I am in a very dire condition. I also have to see my sister go crazy the same way I did. She is only eight. I am homebound by my psychotic parents. And I don't want to involve the law enforcement either, because you know, they are my parents. I have already lost my future because of them. There's no point in getting them behind the bars (thus traumatizing my sister, she is going to lose her future too but like my doctor I cannot do anything.)

I wanted to be a be a doctor and save lives. I had huge respect for doctors because they treat persons for horrible diseases. Not anymore because I've found out that they cannot do anything either in the most dire of cases. First line, of course, continued : I cannot. I cannot withstand the rigor of med school due to my illness, which took away my life from me. Which was the blessing of my parents. They traumatized me, still do and will in future, there's no escape from my untimely death (all stress, all the isolation, all the genetic environment, all the emotions, all the fat) and I, who could have been the next House (Dr.Gregory House) was not destined to save the world.

You know what would have happened if I was born to normal people (good jobs, good mental health, good heart and most importantly good intelligence) I would have been a pretty normal person who got all the girls and won friends. I would have rode a Royal Enfield and/or a KTM and would have been a kind-of famous local medical student by this time. Now I am forced to do a B.Sc instead. I fancied myself pretty brilliant, but I got 48% in the high school boards (not from USA.)

So why all the rambling?

I needed to tell you something I have gone through some bad parenting as well, you shouldn't cry over it. Just now my mom is planning to leave the house tomorrow and take away my sister with her. I don't know what will happen, I am a victim of horrible parenting. My sister, who I aforementioned is only eight years old and will go crazy just like me. Even my doctor cannot do anything about my situation.

Even if your life is ruined (which is pretty sure not, both of your parents should have psychosis/dementia if you want it to be voluntarily ruined by them), do not lose hope as it is temporary and it too shall pass on. And even if it doesn't, don't cry, you are one of the millions, which I am one of, who died for no reason and had their life ruined.

Watch Mr Robot, play with your pet, go outside, do whatever in the hell that interests you and just forget that you cannot "be normal." Neither could I, but I am pretty cool about it. Some imaginary guys gave me PTSD, the severity of my psychosis. All because of my parents. But what can you do about it? That's just the law of the world, as Darwin put is, "Those who are not fit, perish." Even we as human beings sometimes aren't fit. Are we not animals?

I love you, dear stranger, but you're one of the many that could not be raised by good parents. I am one of them (as you've figured out by now), but after all, nothing can be done about it....

If I were you I would call a help line. In the UK we have child line and the NSPCC.
I have made amends with my family and I do not wish to open up old wounds. Once you break one stitch then you risk another one coming loose and then before you know it you start to unravel.
For now I will let sleeping dogs lie. No use crying over spilt milk.
Why do you speak like your life is over before it has begun?
There are people out there, in my city, county, country who have been through worse than myself but have managed to not make a pigs ear out of their young adult life or gone off the rails like I did.
There's the story about two brothers. Raised by an alcoholic abusive father. One grew up and followed in his foot steps and became a drunk where the other never touched a drop.
I had good things in my life. Friends. My grandparents. I was driven. I went to school. I had after school hobbies.
I played games with my parents. Went cycle runs. On trips. No one has a perfect life.
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Old 06-12-2018, 04:27 PM   #22
Unbrokensoulgeron
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Default Re: Keep doing your art

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unbrokensoulgeron View Post
My aunt knew
There was something off
Between the way
My mum would
Blow so hot and cold,
Much more cold than
The former . I always
Sensed that my mum
Did not want me
To do well
Because her life
Hadn't gone the
Way she had hoped.
Like I was a
Constant reminder of
Her life with my father.
She would say
She would check
The obituaries hoping
That he was dead.

We were out for
Lunch with our
More well off counterparts.
And she declared:
I have had a hard life.
And I was incensed
And I said some
Home truths seeing red.
I had been in hospital
And needed medication.
My mum never recieved
The pity she feel
She deserved from
Her marriage to my father.
Where she claimed
She was verbally abuse.
They brought up
A distant relative in
My grans side
Of the family when
The doctors questioned
Them behind my back.
Hoping it was a
Genetic defect I had
Inherited and that
There was nothing wrong
With my up-bringing.
I better clarify it was
Aunt on mum's side.
Crumpets. Red wine. Dudditts.
Watching the runners.
Passionate not anger.
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Old 06-13-2018, 03:47 AM   #23
TheLonelyChemist
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Default Re: Something beautiful

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unbrokensoulgeron View Post
If I were you I would call a help line. In the UK we have child line and the NSPCC.
I have made amends with my family and I do not wish to open up old wounds. Once you break one stitch then you risk another one coming loose and then before you know it you start to unravel.
For now I will let sleeping dogs lie. No use crying over spilt milk.
Why do you speak like your life is over before it has begun?
There are people out there, in my city, county, country who have been through worse than myself but have managed to not make a pigs ear out of their young adult life or gone off the rails like I did.
There's the story about two brothers. Raised by an alcoholic abusive father. One grew up and followed in his foot steps and became a drunk where the other never touched a drop.
I had good things in my life. Friends. My grandparents. I was driven. I went to school. I had after school hobbies.
I played games with my parents. Went cycle runs. On trips. No one has a perfect life.
I am not from the West/UK. I have asked my uncle , who is a cop about the psychological abuse I am going through and he tells me nothing can be done until I turn 18 (which is this December.) I have asked both my aunts if I can live with them, but my mother especially refuses to even hear their recommendation of letting me live with them (my aunts.)


I have decided I won't marry. and therefore won't raise a family.
__________________
You wanna know what I believe? That this isn't the end, that there's another world out there for both of us. That we'll see each other again. And we'll play, and dance, and bake, and sing. Doesn't that sound beautiful? Will you believe with me?
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Old 06-13-2018, 01:39 PM   #24
Unbrokensoulgeron
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Default Your are soo anti social

When they said if they drunk too much they might not sleep at all, you said shh because it may have been a trigger for me. Not as I catastrophised to, that he may be defective like me. And you won't even remember saying I was being anti-social at a party down at your home. I was sensitive and I would have felt like a fraud speaking to your friends seeing as we were from different walks of life. The class divide is real and I was too shy to attempt to attempt to put aside the pretense for one night. You were a pompous *** to me that night. I went off and me and mum spoke to a uni/college lecturer for a while. And I dotted about. But I didn't want to be clingy and I half hoped someone may have asked why I was upset. I was clutching at straws.
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Old 06-16-2018, 08:09 AM   #25
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Default All black beat up sneaks

I apologise for laughing when your heel snapped. Your trainers were fine. Kids will be kids. Ice skating prank. Long line now let go. Triple salchow. Dull and dowdy. Curiosity killed the cat. We will give her a permanent day to herself. Us women don't bear grudges, we act on them so we can put them to sleep. Goodbye.
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"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 06-20-2018, 10:25 AM   #26
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Default You see ...

This skanky college
I would wear that t shirt...to bed
Could watch the way
You do things all day.
Delays. Panic at the disco. Subways.
Doodle spiders. Jose gonzales. JJ.
Goodbye. And no hard feeling. I solemnly swear.
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Old 06-30-2018, 01:48 PM   #27
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Default Could have been you

My father wanted a boy. I am convinced that if he had been in perfect health and was working he would not have bothered trying to gain visiting rights to have me a few hours every couple of weeks.
I solemnly believe that he pushed for me to have ambition so that he could tell people in conversations that "oh laura is going to be a...." It would give his bleak existence some meaning If I was succeeding like one of those parents that live their life through their kids. He had given up on life, on work and finding new love and lived in the past, steeped in his own self pity.
I kept saying "who is going to help me get my eduction? What do I have to fall back on ?"
So when I left school after not getting my subject choices, he says there's girls who learn trades thesedays. Why did I have to be a mechanic or a plumber to feel like a valid person. It wasn't enough that I got a job and even getting that wasn't a walk in the park. I applied several times over. I liked that job and I was so proud that I went and got it myself.
I wanted to take the year out to re-evaluate my situation and maybe go to the local college.
My grandfather took a picture of my cousin and said that could of been you. He went to a private boarding school! He never worked until he left university! Why did everyone have the blinkers on? I never got the head start he did. Neither my mum nor David have a clue what marks I ever got. I never got any rewards. I know I am not a dog but a little gratitude might have gone a long way.
David said that the only reason I studied was because my friends couldn't be f&cked with me. If I ever got annoyed that I.had no space to think or study he would tell me I needed to get a life. And he felt sorry for the poor b&stard that ended up with me.
It was my fault. It was always my fault. It was my fault I was self destructive ? Question mark. That's a question mark not a statement .
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Old 07-01-2018, 02:52 AM   #28
TheLonelyChemist
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Default Re: Something beautiful

I am sorry that you've had to go through this. Speaking of professions, you may remember my earlier post where I explained my dire condition. Let me briefly explain my journey to med school to you (I get a shot at the entrance exam this December.) It's more of a success story. It's probable I will get accepted in med school in my city.



I used to top my science class in high school 'till ninth grade (here high school starts from fifth grade and ends at tenth grade) but then psychosis hit me. I became overly religious. I bathed once in a week. I used to speak in a fast manner about demons and what not in classroom so much my classmates figured out I am crazy back then. Lost all passion for science. But still in tenth grade I regained my sense and studied science, and managed to get 84% in the school-organized prelim, but only got 68% in the board exams (of high school.) I was crushed, I thought I would have gotten 98%, because I left only a two-mark diagram unattempted... I seriously questioned my abilities.


But then anyway I got an admission in science stream for college for eleventh grade. I chose the subjects Physics, Chemistry and Biology. With the choice of subjects I was eligible to give the medical entrance exam, and in the present time, the entrance exam comes in December now. My key to med school.



Back to eleventh grade, that was a hard time for me, because once again I became delusional and I was hallucinating very strongly, hearing voices even in my sleep and even showed symptoms of exploding head syndrome (which affects you if you have PTSD, or simply military-grade stress) BUT, you'd be surprised to know, I topped my biology class (in a class of nearly 200 people) in the prelims once again, I got 37 out of 40. But then again... I discovered I have memory loss (more accurately, continuous amnesia of dissociative origin, self-diagnosis) the only thing my psych doc could do was reassure me I am psychotic for thinking that I have memory loss, but as I forgot what I read immediately, I knew what was a white lie and what was not. I got 20 out of 50 for biology exam, as I had a misconception that memorization is harder than it actually is.



I even got 22 out of 25 for inorganic and organic chemistry (in a combined test for chemistry) at the first semester exam (after I discovered I have memory loss). I never got to know my zoology marks that year but regardless to say I did work day and night for the theoretical part (I literally used to fill a whole A4 sized, 200 pages notebook from notes for organic chemistry and zoology) and even managed to complete my lab records and get 'Good job' words come from my teachers.


Here I am now, despite my amnesia, aiming to become a doctor. My parents are against that as I have already been enrolled in a B.S course. (here we've the MBBS system, there's a direct admission to med school after 12th grade) but I will not let them ruin my dream. Medicine isn't a profession, it IS a calling. I hear it calling me. That's why I have survived all that I mentioned in my previous post. It's the purpose of my life to save lives of other people. I am going to drop out of the B.S course once I get admission in a medical college here. It's my passion, I have decided to pursue it anyway.


You know? You're completing your education after dropping out and I am going back after enrolling in a B.S course. I am way more ill than you (I guess, I do not know you personally) but I will let nothing, even negative thinking, stop me from pursuing my passion. I have experienced abuse to the point of huge dissociation. If I write everything I've experienced it may lead to huge pain in the butt to me in future, but I think you can prove everyone wrong. I am aiming to prove my psychiatrist wrong, he told me that I never can be a doctor. I will prove him wrong.



I will prove my colleague wrong.
__________________
You wanna know what I believe? That this isn't the end, that there's another world out there for both of us. That we'll see each other again. And we'll play, and dance, and bake, and sing. Doesn't that sound beautiful? Will you believe with me?
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Old 07-01-2018, 05:28 AM   #29
Unbrokensoulgeron
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Default Self awareness is hypocritical at times

Sergio tachini. Its ok, I was never mad at you.Shrek at back of bus, we were kids, no hard feelings. Sorry again to smile in down town for making fun of you for your size. I felt guilty and deserved a slap in the face. I am suprised your not loved up by now. Soon hopefully, got to put yourself out there.
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Old 07-03-2018, 11:41 AM   #30
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Default Juvenile prik

The title of the thread is in homage to you. I was never lazy or immature in any way shape or form. You probably will never realise the hurt and upset you caused in my life until you are into your retirement years and have a moment to reflect on my story.
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