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Old 01-22-2019, 04:20 AM   #11
sarahsweets
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I am very good at comforting and being calm in a crisis unless it has to do with my kids. I will do everything to take care of my kids but I know that I am mom so I can easily get overwhelmed.
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Old 01-22-2019, 08:16 AM   #12
nicoleflynn
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I am good at comforting others...people in pain want someone to listen; we cannot fix it, but we can be gentle and listen and ask good questions....such as....how can I help?
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Old 01-22-2019, 02:46 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hermitbydestiny View Post
The definition of comforting others has changed over the years. I used to try to fix them by offering advice, like my core family did as motivated through shame-based blaming, etc., which didn't help. Got into therapy and received from her the real way to comfort: listening and guiding me back to my own intuitive answers through caring questioning. Hmmmm...Then I took an online course through compassioncourse.org and found out that empathy is the feeling of having been heard. Truly heard. And visa versa, like a dance.

So now I recognize my own feeling first by asking myself if I feel anxiety? do I have time and/or want for this interaction? Acknowledging my own feelings FIRST is authenticity with a dose of self-empathy. Then I have something to offer that's worthwhile...Like saying, I'm feeling stressed by your needs because I have another appointment, and would like to get back with you when I have more time to listen without being rushed? Or here's the hard one: I feel triggered by this topic and won't be able to listen through it given my own anxiety. If you don't have someone else you can go to, may I recommend my therapist? If I choose to listen, then I listen with my eyes, ears and whole being until I feel the shut-off switch inside, then I say that I'm maxed and go about resetting our meeting for another day, or wrap it up once the person feels truly heard.

Finding an empathy buddy is a selective process. Not everyone qualifies. It is my job to not expect everyone to drop what they are doing because I need them to. We all suffer. We all find inner courage in bits and pieces. To expect any one person (even a therapist) to fill the bill is unrealistic in my experience.
That is so cool and helpful hermitbydesting. I do know all that but I forget when I see other people with different comforting styles and compare myself with them. For example, I empathise much more easily with friends than I do with complete strangers. I especially like your last two paragraphs.
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Old 01-22-2019, 03:55 PM   #14
katydid777
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moroboshi View Post
How is your ability to comfort others ?

Are you awe struck if someone breaks out in tears ?

Are you trying to use `logical` arguments ?

Do you freeze ?
I am very good at this, but very bad for my self! For several weeks now, things have been very bad for me, and most of last year had been the same. I wish I could do for my self, that I am able to do for others!
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