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Old 11-15-2017, 03:14 PM   #1
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Default Confessions of a guilty conscience

My conscience is killing me. I need to get this out. I have something to say. I’m a criminal, I’ve broken laws and behaved badly. The universe is harming me as a result. I don’t fully understand why as I did the best I could at the time, but it was not good enough. I’m not good enough. Maybe I can be good enough someday or maybe the universe will punish me for doing the only thing I could do at the time. The thing I’m being MOST punished for was legal. I was not the criminal in this instance, but I have been.

Yes, she said she didn’t want a MAN working there, ......this man later asked me “why did she hire you and not me” .....a question I myself wondered. I should have stayed in my corner but was told that was ridiculous and to be upwardly mobile.....lot of good that advise gave me, setting me up for unimaginable torture but perhaps that was the point. The universe gives you what you need, not what you want. The universe gets it wrong too. It’s fallible just like me.

I’m sorry I broke YOUR law. I did not realize what I was doing or what it would mean. Perhaps I will suffer forever, perhaps I will die peacefully in my life and be shown what this all means. Perhaps those who did what they did will be punished, perhaps I will be. I don’t know but I do know what is right, what is fair and what is just. Life will be a very winding road of these things. I asked for help, I begged for help so many times but was ignored and my abusers promoted. All part of the f-Ing programming I guess.

In closing I’m begging someone to help my family, my son, myself. If “I” knew what I needed or even what I wanted I’d ask for it. That’s not true, I want a baby but it’s too late. If I knew what I was capable of I might have destroyed the world. I don’t fit into the algorithm and perhaps I really am dangerous. I don’t see it like that but it’s not what I think that matters in this situation.

I don’t forgive.....it’s done me no good. Bad advise to forgive that which is heinous. I want to be forgiven but likely I have no right . I don’t know what people want from me but it’s something. I see “the point” of some of it but I fail to see the big picture. If you hate me, I’m sorry I instilled that hatred in you. I can see why I did of course ......”girls behaving badly” does not suit the model. I try to do better but I’m being “stopped” so I don’t know what else I can do but wait.

It’s always the same for me and I DO try to do things differently so as not to anger the algorithm but I’m a flawed design. If anyone can understand or help know that I will be more grateful than you can imagine. I have hatred in my heart......I own it I guess but I didn’t put it there. I want it gone, I want to be whole or even settle for less attacks. I just need help but feel it’s not available. Without my son I am nothing and he’s been intentionally taken from me. I want him back......if you don’t wish to help me, help him please. Don’t give up on him as everyone has. He’s not perfect but he’s had it rough. It might not seem that way but it’s true. I should know, he was raised by me the poor guy. But he DOES have potential. Please stop harassing him and help him instead.
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if this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear, you can call me up, cause you know I'll be there -Cyndi Lauper True Colors

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HFiz-j66X74

In a world FULL OF PEOPLE *scream*

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https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iHywjTem4IY

Last edited by ElsaMars; 11-15-2017 at 03:26 PM..
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Old 11-15-2017, 03:35 PM   #2
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Default Re: Confessions of a guilty conscience

Please stop making me sick. Please stop tearing apart my family. If I’m “no good” please be humane and put me down. I’m flawed but I’m always tried to be a good person even if others interpret my actions as wrong. As strongly as you feel your way is right and I must convert, I feel just as strongly that your way will be the end of civilization as we know it. But I do see the irony in this because if all people were like me we’d be living like animals. I do nothing, I produce nothing. I CANNOT be consistent and that angers you I know. Please treat me with the decency you’d supply a diseased animal.....after all, it’s what I am. I know I have no right to ask of this and I see the irony of what I ask. I know what you believe and you might be right or perhaps I am.......if there is a big judge up in the sky, perhaps we shall face him together......I don’t know what that will mean for me. Sometimes I’m sure I will be understood but the sadistic nature of the world makes me question the nature of what will stand before me. I question my own nature. I’d like to know. If I’m useless as I feel, please be humane.
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if this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear, you can call me up, cause you know I'll be there -Cyndi Lauper True Colors

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HFiz-j66X74

In a world FULL OF PEOPLE *scream*

Such a charming man with the voice of an angel

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iHywjTem4IY
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Old 11-15-2017, 03:43 PM   #3
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Default Re: Confessions of a guilty conscience

I am a domestic terrorist, your point has been made. I see your point but feel powerless and incapable of fixing it. You might actually be able to help me if you are reading this. Perhaps you understand, perhaps not. Tell me what steps to take to stop the torture and pain. Be specific as I’m not as quick as I once was. I might be so crazy it’s not funny. I don’t know. I might be all that others think I am. I don’t know. You might and probably are better than me. Maybe you had it worse and resent me for my privilege.....maybe you had it better and resent my dysfunction. I don’t know. Please help.
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if this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear, you can call me up, cause you know I'll be there -Cyndi Lauper True Colors

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HFiz-j66X74

In a world FULL OF PEOPLE *scream*

Such a charming man with the voice of an angel

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iHywjTem4IY
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Old 11-15-2017, 03:48 PM   #4
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Default Re: Confessions of a guilty conscience

((((((((((((((((Elsa))))))))))))))))) you are not a bad person
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Old 11-15-2017, 03:56 PM   #5
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Default Re: Confessions of a guilty conscience

Thank you Nammu. I just don’t know that to be true. I must be for this to be happening. I must be. I can’t say what is happening to be because I will be accused of being delusional.....I might be but I just don’t think so. Can you help me? I’m being physically and mentally tortured non stop it feels. It’s not all the time, anti-psychotics help me sleep at least but don’t stop these thoughts. Med increases don’t help, switching meds....trying to move and being targeted and stopped. It must end one way or another. I’m destroying those I love with my dysfunction. I’m afraid of everyone and everything. I’m paralyzed with pain and fear.
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if this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear, you can call me up, cause you know I'll be there -Cyndi Lauper True Colors

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HFiz-j66X74

In a world FULL OF PEOPLE *scream*

Such a charming man with the voice of an angel

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iHywjTem4IY
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Old 11-15-2017, 04:05 PM   #6
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Default Re: Confessions of a guilty conscience

I think the worst part has been my son was taken away and the worst part of that is it was probably for the best. I can’t even take care of a dog properly.......I killed several fishes before I hated myself too much to try again. I want to have a baby so badly or work with kids but I’m a terrible, horrible role model who tries her best but gets it wrong all the time. I want to go back to when I found out I was pregnant and NOT married my sons father.....to have raised my son myself.......to experience all over again my beautiful child .......I missed so much. I failed him
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if this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear, you can call me up, cause you know I'll be there -Cyndi Lauper True Colors

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HFiz-j66X74

In a world FULL OF PEOPLE *scream*

Such a charming man with the voice of an angel

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iHywjTem4IY
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Old 11-15-2017, 04:10 PM   #7
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Default Re: Confessions of a guilty conscience

I can’t work and that will not be accepted. Society puts you to work no matter what.....if u are disabled you become a human experiment. I hope I’m of some use to you people. I hope it’s all worth it in the end. I have great hope for technology in the future but fear whose hands it’s been entrusted to. I have to hope this all means something and will help someone. Don’t sacrifice my child. I don’t want to be sacrificed either but if given the choice and it’s determined I must be to help him I’m ok with this.
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if this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear, you can call me up, cause you know I'll be there -Cyndi Lauper True Colors

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HFiz-j66X74

In a world FULL OF PEOPLE *scream*

Such a charming man with the voice of an angel

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iHywjTem4IY
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Old 11-15-2017, 04:12 PM   #8
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Default Re: Confessions of a guilty conscience

He may not want help or even realize he needs it. Can’t you help him? If you can do all this interference can’t you find him a job without a diploma?
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if this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear, you can call me up, cause you know I'll be there -Cyndi Lauper True Colors

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HFiz-j66X74

In a world FULL OF PEOPLE *scream*

Such a charming man with the voice of an angel

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iHywjTem4IY
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Old 11-15-2017, 04:22 PM   #9
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Default Re: Confessions of a guilty conscience

(((((((((((((((((((((Elsa)))))))))))))))))))) I wish there was something I could do, but all I can do is listen and tell you that you are indeed a worthy person no matter what karma seems to be saying.
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Old 11-15-2017, 04:24 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ElsaMars View Post
I canít work and that will not be accepted. Society puts you to work no matter what.....if u are disabled you become a human experiment. I hope Iím of some use to you people. I hope itís all worth it in the end. I have great hope for technology in the future but fear whose hands itís been entrusted to. I have to hope this all means something and will help someone. Donít sacrifice my child. I donít want to be sacrificed either but if given the choice and itís determined I must be to help him Iím ok with this.
Your words have helped me. I've had similar thoughts and preoccupations at times. They can be so intense.
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