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Unread 09-07-2017, 11:55 PM   #1
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Default Don't know what to do with this

Sanity score 149
Autism score 38

I don't know how I get through each day, but so far each day I have managed to, even though some days I'm in pieces inside (sometimes outside too but I hide that) - I'm just really good at compartmentalising and since I don't really matter I can just focus on what needs to be done and do it - it's actually quite liberating.

My job is almost trivially easy in many respects - most of my mental energy is taken up dealing with people - I have to invest lots of energy into modelling other people's behaviour so I don't get stuff wrong. And stupidly I took on a career where I come into contact with people lots - I'm a University lecturer and a therapist (mental health professional for Christ sake!!) - a pretty successful one on the face of it - but every day I think someone's going to catch me out, I'm such a faker, I'm just a lie, there is no real me.

Really not sure where to go with this, I'm extremely depressed right now, feeling suicidal daily, and entertaining the possibility I might, after 56 years, actually be autistic is really scaring me. No one told me this but it all makes sense, I had no friends at school, my parents occasionally tried dragging me to kids houses that I had no idea who there were to make friends, I never made friends, never played with other kids, and still don't. I have no close friends, several superficial relationships, mainly through work and activities I make myself do to keep connected and active (because if I'm not active and don't have a structure of some sort I really don't cope well).
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Unread 09-09-2017, 04:12 PM   #2
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That being said I have some reasons to question that autism score.l For one I am extremely empathic, if anything too empathic, I tend to soak up other people's feelings and take too much to heart. I do isolate myself but I always thought that was more down to social anxiety, low self esteem and fear of rejection. So I would take it with a degree of caution. Same with the "Sanity' score - going by that I would have half a dozen different conditions not just anxiety and depression but also bipolar, BPD and even possibly an eating disorder. I think these tests err too much on the side of caution and over diagnose. However it is certainly the case that I am having more difficulty that I have mad for a long time keeping everything together, I have always maintained a very effective false front but right now it is cracking and taking a lot of energy trying to keep going.
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Unread 09-11-2017, 08:58 AM   #3
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So I did the BPD test too now - 28 - Borderline Personality Disorder Likely. At this rate I will have everything going

Seriously though, I hope some people don't interpret these scores too literally - they are not a diagnosis, but still may be confusing for someone less aware of what these conditions actually are.

Having a bad day today though - all this stress is setting off my IBS now too, feeling too low to even exercise today or yesterday either - I had a country walk planned yesterday but I backed out of it. Didn't feel up to it but I know it would have done me good, fresh air and exercise have been the only things keeping me alive the last few weeks, most of my other activities (painting, creating music, gardening) have pretty much dried up I feel so useless at everything and unmotivated.

I have a Yoga class in a few hours - I will try and push myself to go to that at least
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Unread 09-11-2017, 01:12 PM   #4
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Unread 09-11-2017, 03:39 PM   #5
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Got to my Yoga session - that helped, even though I'm a mass of knots and not very well coordinated I had to get dressed and get out.
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